h is down, he is tired and flat, he even said this morning that he is down. at one point he "cornered" me in the hallway and hugged me, he initiated, it lasted for a while, and he said he was sorry he was down, I said I was sorry and could I do anything, I also said I was worried but left it at that. I just called to ask if he wanted me to shop for his Dad, and we spouted some ideas. I am trying hard to be up, but I am feeling really tired and discouraged. I feel like I am working my butt off and I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like he wishes I would just diappear, then he could have the kids and not have me. Funny thing is in our counseling sessions he has sounded better, like he is feeling better about the whole thing. I know that he is going to have ups and downs. I guess I just feel the weight of carrying all of us right now. I have to admit the hugged helped a lot. It was real, and warm and good. I wish he would go on meds, he seems to cycle a little bit, he was pretty down around Thanksgiving too, perhaps it is holiday stuff as well.
I suppose some of this could be guilt, for what he has put all of us through. He had a counseling session last night, so that was a good thing, I think sometimes he has a lot to think about after a session like that.
I wonder sometimes if I should tell him I forgive him? I don't know if he wants or needs to hear that, and I am not sure when would be a good time to say something like that. Like if I said it now would it seem like I was just saying it to cheer him up and not because I really mean it.
I think I need to get out my big girl panties and realize I am going to have to carry us for a while, and deal with it, I also need to keep up the PMA, which is slipping a bit as of late.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
