it's been along time now

[itsy]

Just writing and talking out loud..................

It is hard to pack up. I get upset each time I start. The memories flood back into my head. We lived at this house for 21 years. Since my youngest son was a year old.
I come across something that invokes a memory and I take the moment to remember that particular event and time. I feel that emotion and move on. Someday this too shall pass.
But it is like a cathartic thing. Cleaning out all the stuff and dividing it up. What goes to auction the Goodwill place and what I keep and what he gets. It is a hard process but at least what I take with me to the condo will be mine and only mine. That what I have now the condo is mine only. That is very empowering to someone. I know that I won't finish my course of life there , but it is a great start.

The H will moving back home. I do not like the fact that he will be two miles from me. I wish that he could sell it right away and move away. I don't know how I will react the first time that I see him. I guess I'l know then.
Somedays I say to myself that I didn't deserve this and yet neither did he. He didn't ask to go thru a MLC. I wouldn't wish that on anyone or the spouses. But from what I have read it is miserable there in their minds and how they must hit bottom before getting up again. I would like to be there for H at that time should he need me. But I will not interfere any more. I went and pushed some knowledge on to the H. I won't do that again. I feel tho at times he is out of the stage of MLC but he really isn't. He is still in there. He favors his family that includes his parents (the Problem of his life.)
brothers and sister over his own sons. My daughter has a special relationship with her father. One that is close. I have never been able to express myself and what I felt like during this period too her. She will listened to her father. He has told her lies and she believes them. One day he will hurt her and I will be here for her. I think that she has her head in the sand and doesn't want to see things like they are. I guess that is one reason she moved all the way across country. I feel really really bad for them . Especially my youngest. He is only 22 and has grown up so much in the past 6 months. I am amazed at how he is grown up now. His brother and sister had more time then he has had at not growing up and becoming so responsible after college. They were able to kick back for awhile, He won't have that oppurtunity. But I will always be here for my children. They always come first.

I feel bad at this time of the year the most. The holidays. H liked Thanksgiving the most because there weren't any presents. I liked Christmas the most because I enjoyed the look on the kids faces so much when they opened the presents.. I cry alot on those days. They will get better. I do know that, they will.
I am the one to make that happen . And it will get done.

I'm thinking that I want to go back to school to get my master's in Social Work. I already have a degree from college in social work but need a masters now to get a job..OR become a therapist OMG. I said it out loud... My present employer will pay for all school expenses if you maitain a certain grade point average. Not bad... I would have to figure it all out first.

It seems that I have placed alot on hold most recently because I am moving. But once I get settled I'm ready to roll. There is alot that I want to do. The list is becoming endless. For new people you can go on. If anyone can like me you sure the H*** can. But there are alot of people here that have been where you are that survive and go on to more productive lives. Read My Turn Now posts. She is one of inspiration. She herself has come quite the circle. She should be so proud of herself. I know that I admire her and what she is made of. They say women are the stronger sex......no offense to men but I honestly believe that.
Snoddderly is another one. I have had the pleasure to speak to her and she is the most delightful and funny. real funny lady that I have meet in awhile. She gives awesome advise and should she post to you take it in and go over it again. Her posts are always very enlightening.
Well to close this day and meet the next I should go to sleep...just journaling....ITSY