Labeled this thread "staying positive" as a reminder to myself, as I've had some trouble doing that lately.
Prior to starting this thread, I was re-reading the last one. Funny how easy it is to forget important things. Like H having another mild concussion last May - I'll never know whether that played any role in his sourness this year, certainly he had started up before that happened, but it may not have helped.
Like H apparently doing something different with his antidepressants somewhere in the fall. (He started acting so whacked that I counted his pills, and figured out he must not have been taking them for a couple of weeks, but when I mentioned it obliquely to H, he claimed he hadn't stopped them but in fact had increased the dose. I still have no idea if this was true - he didn't appear to have another bottle, he might have taken D's meds which are the double strength, but I never saw him with them. So I still don't know if he was off them or on an increased dose - either way, he's gone back to taking his original dose and things do seem calmer.)
Like how uber-stressed H was in August.
Like me nearly choking to death, turning 50 and going through menopause all in a few months.
And let's not forget how stressed I was letting him make me all summer long.
Of all these things, the last is the only one I have control over, and I have GOT to get a grip on it again.
I've been REacting to his moods way too much lately. And this weekend I totaly overreacted to some "rejecting" behavior on my D's part (what teenage daughter doesn't do some of that) and I realize it's really because I feel so rejected by my H lately and that stirred up THOSE feelings.
And no, I haven't scheduled that marriage counseling yet. I finally told H the other day, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to start it until after the New year, when I've started working. I told him I know it will be the same as before, him with a long litany of ways in which he thinks I've failed him, and that I'm just too fragile to withstand that right now, and don't want it to set me back in terms of focusing on my work goals.
He of course attempted to deny that it would be that way, but he's never been any different way, not in our previous attempts at marriage counseling nor in any of our arguments, so I have no faith whatsoever that it would be different this time. I know it seems like I'm shooting myself in the foot by postponing MC at this time, but I'm just afraid that if we went and he started up again with his complaints.......well, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be good or productive.
You all know I'm not afraid of a little self-examination. Heck, I value you all here because I know you'll call me on my BS and redirect my focus to working on myself.
Soooooo....
with all that griping out of the way, here's some updating:
- H has made the decision this week to make a drastic change in his career. It's scary and a little risky (a new start-up company) but also potentially very rewarding, and gives him an opportunity to use some of his talents that were frustrated in his old position. I've told H that I totally support him in whatever he chooses to do.
He's been looking at other positions all year, so it's not a complete shock - he was so unhappy at the lack of appreciation where he was working (I wish he'd realize how he's making me feel the same way - unappreciated!!!!). He actually had three very different potential jobs on the table. This particular opportunity means stepping away from clinical medicine when he is at the very top of his field, so most people think he's crazy, but I think it will be a healthy change for him. He's keeping one foot in the door so he could go back if he wanted to.
I'm working out the details (insurance, etc.) to start working part-time in the office of the doctor that I see for my thyroid stuff - should have it all worked out for January. I will be seeing primarily thyroid patients and bioidentical hormone replacement patients. It's a cash practice with hour-long appointments with every patient that will allow me to really help people get things worked out properly.
I'm looking forward to it but still worried at the same time - H will be working very hard at first in his new position, D and S still need intense oversight with their school problems - but I just have to let go of worrying about everybody else, and do the best I can with things. If H crashes it will be good for me to have an income.
Now - I'm going to try to write three positives about my H and life everyday, so make me stick to it:
1) H did make an effort with me in the bedroom before he left on his 4-day surf trip he's on right now. 2) H is excited about his new opportunity and shares that with me. 3) H is holding me again at night.
