Labeled this thread "staying positive" as a reminder to myself, as I've had some trouble doing that lately.
Prior to starting this thread, I was re-reading the last one. Funny how easy it is to forget important things. Like H having another mild concussion last May - I'll never know whether that played any role in his sourness this year, certainly he had started up before that happened, but it may not have helped.
Like H apparently doing something different with his antidepressants somewhere in the fall. (He started acting so whacked that I counted his pills, and figured out he must not have been taking them for a couple of weeks, but when I mentioned it obliquely to H, he claimed he hadn't stopped them but in fact had increased the dose. I still have no idea if this was true - he didn't appear to have another bottle, he might have taken D's meds which are the double strength, but I never saw him with them. So I still don't know if he was off them or on an increased dose - either way, he's gone back to taking his original dose and things do seem calmer.)
Like how uber-stressed H was in August.
Like me nearly choking to death, turning 50 and going through menopause all in a few months.
And let's not forget how stressed I was letting him make me all summer long.
Of all these things, the last is the only one I have control over, and I have GOT to get a grip on it again.
I've been REacting to his moods way too much lately. And this weekend I totaly overreacted to some "rejecting" behavior on my D's part (what teenage daughter doesn't do some of that) and I realize it's really because I feel so rejected by my H lately and that stirred up THOSE feelings.
And no, I haven't scheduled that marriage counseling yet. I finally told H the other day, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to start it until after the New year, when I've started working. I told him I know it will be the same as before, him with a long litany of ways in which he thinks I've failed him, and that I'm just too fragile to withstand that right now, and don't want it to set me back in terms of focusing on my work goals.
He of course attempted to deny that it would be that way, but he's never been any different way, not in our previous attempts at marriage counseling nor in any of our arguments, so I have no faith whatsoever that it would be different this time. I know it seems like I'm shooting myself in the foot by postponing MC at this time, but I'm just afraid that if we went and he started up again with his complaints.......well, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be good or productive.
You all know I'm not afraid of a little self-examination. Heck, I value you all here because I know you'll call me on my BS and redirect my focus to working on myself.
Soooooo....
with all that griping out of the way, here's some updating:
- H has made the decision this week to make a drastic change in his career. It's scary and a little risky (a new start-up company) but also potentially very rewarding, and gives him an opportunity to use some of his talents that were frustrated in his old position. I've told H that I totally support him in whatever he chooses to do.
He's been looking at other positions all year, so it's not a complete shock - he was so unhappy at the lack of appreciation where he was working (I wish he'd realize how he's making me feel the same way - unappreciated!!!!). He actually had three very different potential jobs on the table. This particular opportunity means stepping away from clinical medicine when he is at the very top of his field, so most people think he's crazy, but I think it will be a healthy change for him. He's keeping one foot in the door so he could go back if he wanted to.
I'm working out the details (insurance, etc.) to start working part-time in the office of the doctor that I see for my thyroid stuff - should have it all worked out for January. I will be seeing primarily thyroid patients and bioidentical hormone replacement patients. It's a cash practice with hour-long appointments with every patient that will allow me to really help people get things worked out properly.
I'm looking forward to it but still worried at the same time - H will be working very hard at first in his new position, D and S still need intense oversight with their school problems - but I just have to let go of worrying about everybody else, and do the best I can with things. If H crashes it will be good for me to have an income.
Now - I'm going to try to write three positives about my H and life everyday, so make me stick to it:
1) H did make an effort with me in the bedroom before he left on his 4-day surf trip he's on right now. 2) H is excited about his new opportunity and shares that with me. 3) H is holding me again at night.
Ellie, so glad to see your own thread and your very own update. Doesn't it feel good?!
Quote: Like me nearly choking to death, turning 50 and going through menopause all in a few months.
I want to know how you got thru menopause in a few months?? what's the secret you're not sharing?
Quote: but he's never been any different way
ewww, I cringed when I read that. I look at H and think the very same thing. Then I look at myself and wonder if he thinks the same thing about me. Have I changed in any way? If I/me/myself really really change what I am doing, wouldn't that in effect change the whole dynamic of whatever situation I would get into with H? Could it be that same thing with you? I've been really thinking about that for myself.
Congrats on the job. It sounds like the area where you have a real passion. You go girl!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: I want to know how you got thru menopause in a few months?? what's the secret you're not sharing?
LOL!! Not such a good secret - stay on birth control pills WAY too long, then stop - develop SEVERE hot flashes - then start bioidentical hormones.
Quote: Quote: but he's never been any different way
ewww, I cringed when I read that. I look at H and think the very same thing. Then I look at myself and wonder if he thinks the same thing about me. Have I changed in any way? If I/me/myself really really change what I am doing, wouldn't that in effect change the whole dynamic of whatever situation I would get into with H?
Oh, I knew somebody would call me on that. In this case, I think my 180 is to NOT let H draw me into that cycle, of him complaining, me scurrying around trying to "fix" whatever he thinks is the problem this time, trying to be more this or more that. He needs to deal with his own happiness issues without constantly pointing the finger at me. I'm a good, faithful, loving, attentive, supportive wife, and if he can't deal with the fact that right now I'm physically unable to be the skinny athletic companion he wants (despite pretty good effort on my part) then he can BITE ME!!!!!!!!
Hey, LNL - Sorry to hear you're still having problems. Are they calling it possible rheumatoid arthritis? Check out a website for The Road Back on arthritis. Some forms of arthritis are due to infection, with your history, you might be a candidate for their protocol.
Okay, Joe - I won't play catch-up, but here's today's:
- H sat with his arm around me on the sofa the other day (PT is my love language) - H is being responsible about family finances as he approaches a radical career change he is making (with my full support) - H is a brilliant and very capable guy who will be successful in his new endeavor
S19 was home for Thanksgiving, it was great to see him. We did some organic chemistry studying together (!) as he needs to pull up his grade in that class, and needs to learn how to study SMARTER not harder. (No, I don't really remember that much organic chemistry anymore, even though I once taught in at a junior college, but I remember enough to steer him to ask the right questions, even if I don't know the answers. Usually a small nudge from me and he'll get "unstuck" and figure it out himself).
We had a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner, if I do say so myself. I'm a good baker, but not that great a cook, so it has taken me a few years (um...like 25?) to get from my first dry turkey to today's level of expertise, but I think I've finally got it!!! The 22 lb. turkey came out moist and tender, the gravy wasn't lumpy, and the curried pumpkin soup was a hit as always.
