I don't know why I am on this forum. I feel very lost. I will try to keep my story short. My H and I have been together for 18 years ( I was 16 he 19). I have loved him from the moment I layed eyes on him. We have been married for 7 years and have two small boys. Things started to get a little out of whack when he started to work nite shifts. I work day shifts. Last year, I noticed he was depressed. He doesnt sleep becuase when he gets home he looks after the kids. Simply messed up! I responded by taking on all the family burdens..ie house cleaing, paying bills, laundry...shopping. While I thought what I was doing was helping, it ended up pulling us farther apart. I started to beg him that we need 'us' time, away from the kids...and his response to me was 'there is no us time..not until the kids are much older'. I told him there wouldnt be an us by then. So this is how it carried on for us. Just this past summer we started to make some progress. It was also at this time, I noticed different behaviours...going out with work buddies on friday nites and coming home at four in the morning....strange numbers on his cell and tons of other stuff. I approached him several times. He denied it. My heart was telling me that he would never do this to me, but my gut was telling me...hell ya..he is! Because of this I was persistent. Finally, this past Friday, I broke into an e-mail account he had and found the evidence I was looking for...71 e-mails from this woman he worked with. I confronted him and her. He has broken it off with her. We talked about why this happened. I do take my part of the responsibility of how we got where we are. None of his affair. He assures me that it had not yet become sexual, it was more an emotional affair..and she is really messed up an he is a kind man who made the mistake of showing her kindness. This is where I am at right now, this very second. I am hurt, heartbroken, angry, I HATE HIS GUTS. I feel worthless, depressed. I certainly dont trust anything he says. But becuase of our history and our family, I have forgiven him. My problem is I dont know how to move away from all these feelings I am having. I am all over the board all of the time. How do you move on from such a betrayal of trust? I am also so scared to want to beleive him because he was very good a concealing things from me, except his guilt of course. I think that because I chose to forgive him that this would be the first step of us healing our relationship. I am scared.
