WOW... It has been a long time since I have posted and it is not b/c things are super ROSY,, I have been too busy and also trying to make tings better with Hubby.
He is on his Roller Coaster of emotions and I was on the ride for a bit but I have since decided to get off and put my "ticket" away. He has been very cold and then really hot and then just warm and fuzzy,, the last one is my personal Favorite. It seems he likes to make me cry and then these past few weeks I have realized he hates to see me cry , he needs my love like the air he breathes and he relies on my strength alot. All of theses things hit me over the head just Yesterday, actually. But when he blows up and gets mad all the time it is hard to se his love and feelings underneath all that. He still has the dreaded Tattoo,, and he still is as stubborn as a MULE but I love him dearly and I hope to keep up my strength and keep trying harder.
Just last week I was ready to let his anger push me away and then I stopped my thoughts and tried to calm myself and talked to him,, I had a real long talk with him and explained myself and my feelings and how when we have problems he wants to essentially....." throw away the baby with the bath water." And he can choose to love that way and throw it all away but I do not ,, and that I am tired of his threats and that he needs to do what he needs to do to make him happy and be prepared for the consequences if chooses to walk away again. I told him I loved him so much nd I always will but yet I am not going to go at this half heartedly and he needs to stop giving himself the liberty of sitting on the fence and when one small problem arises he is ready to bolt.I Explained my love for him is there but when he throws in my face mean comments like I am with you for the kids only and yet his behavior clearly demonstrates he loves me dearly too , it is hard to let go of that cruel comment and love you like I want to.
I have to come to realize he is like a piece of CRYSTAL he looks like he cannot break but he is still oh soooo FRAGILE . And it makes me feel sad and also frustrated,,,and yet I have chosen not to give up. I dunno when we are going to get it right but I will keep trying and I need to soften up some and let go some more but lately I feel a little too numb,,, and at the same time my pain is so tangible,, I cry at the drop of a hat. So maybe I need to head I need to head in a different direction? I am feeling scared and strong and very confused to be honest ,but I will keep smiling thru the pain. God bless....
