I am doing better and yet I am still so Raw, so emotional. I am feeling like this coming of the new year has allowed me to wipe my slate clean so to speak ,, the bad memories still slip in every once in awhile and the things that were said to me that were not so nice.
..... but I know that I am worthwhile and that I am beautiful and that I love myself enough now to expect my H to love me the same . I actually started to love myself more after I fell flat on my face and realized he had OW the whole time and I was just denying the reality until it was right in front of my face he was lying the whole time and the really sad part is he was not just lying to me the saddest part is he was really lying to himself.
I am proud of myself for having the courage to love myself enough to try hard and not disresepct myself at the same time. He really tested my strength and I ended up givinng myself the best gift ever my SELF back and in turn I got My H back and I am now on a Journey to have the best M ever,
.... it is not a destination I now realize but a constant striving of finding the love I need and being the best human being I can possibly be.My fear is subsiding and that is what is helping mme to be so string,, fera can not help me cause I can not predict the future I can only live the best way i know how and hope that he has the integrity to follow me and be the best man , husband ,friend , I deserve and he too deserves to be.
..... he was living a lie for soooo long and I was too only he would try to fill the void with OW ( plural ),, more than once and I would fall flat on my face every time. ..... but I never found myself. I just hid more to try and avoid the pain . That did not work for me,, he was looking for me and I was lost ,, hidden to try to escape the immenese pain I was in and he thought he could find me in every woman who Smiled at him and there is no other me there is no other you we all have unique gifts and a beauty all our own and noone else is quite like me . Thank God
I thought if I am quiet long enough he will come and find me and rescue me from this hell and make everything better. It was not until I chose to find my own damn self that I have healed , am healing.
I am seeing all the time I have wasted and it makes me sad. I am also proud of myself b/c now I have learned sso much that I hope to help my children love themselves and have a fantastic sense of self and be happy in their own skin,, it took me far tooooo long to be happy in my own skin. I do not want for my kids to have to suffer the way I have and so I will use what I have learned to help them be strong yet humble and love life to the fullest. I am feeling so strong again like I used to ,, I have not been this strong for a good 10 years and that is far too long.
I have this sense that things will be ok and it is coming from within b/c my Hubby has been gone almost 3 weeks and sure he has been great with me but I have chosen to now use my voice and let him know who I am and what I will or will not accept, I am sure when he arrives I will need to keep strong.. b/c I am quite sure he still has the Tattoo ( of OW NAME ) and last time I let it get to me he was furious. That hurts me that he thinks that I would think that the Tattoo is no big deal to me it feels like he is slapping me in the face or laughing at me, and when he calls me from Mexico he seems so sincere and he tells me how much he misses me and that he loves me very much ,, so I just do not get why he still has this damnn thing.I guess when I see it instead of getting upset what emotion should I have and even though now I get this real strong sense his love is genuine and he is IN this for good ,, I am genuinely concerned that I will ( OVER ) react to it like I did last time he came home after being gone 2 weeks. I guess the more I let go of being "DETACHED" the harder it becomes to tolerate.
But I am strong and I can do this ,, maybe he will just have to keep his shirt on until he removes it ????/highly doubtful/,, it is afterall his body but when he wants me to share my body and soul ( ML ) I feel it is arrogant that he is receiving pleasure and I have to read her name on his chest..... my ecstacy turns to hurt and anger.UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is hard to surrender and have deep pleasure when the man you are sooooo in love with and committed to has a name on his chest that is not yours. And she got her name above his heart after only 6 weeks and I gave him 3 beautiful intelligent healthy children and 10 years. OUCH that hurts for sure , I have to admit.
Yeah I am whining alot and I will stop but it still stings to see it .
......alot less Thank God, but still some. I hope that by this time next Year his OW BS and the nightmare of our impending D will be a distant memory. We have been togther for 10 years only reconciled for 6 months and it will get better I will see to that. we were talking the other day about going to Mardi Gras in new orleans like we did last year when he was down there working in New orleans after the Hurricane, Only last year my stay with him was good but I was not being my true self he was having an EA with someone who he had become " friends" with ,, I suspected it and mentioned it but he denied it. So I let that taint my stay and I hope that this Year if we do go I will allow myself to be the beautiful person I am and just enjoy him and enjoy me and my wish for my Hubby this year is for him to grow and become the man he know he can be and love me with a deeper respect THAT I so deserve and to be faithful the WHOLE Year. If he can accomplish that I will be even happier in OUR M. I have already explained to him that I either love him and trust him and he respects me or I am out no in between ever again. Life is too short and Marriage is not about half truths ,, live in the truth and respect one another.I really feel like he knows this now that I will not accept anything less but real lasting COMMITTED love,, I give this to him with open arms and like I told him if you fail me then I will have to decide what to do and until then ------>you will have this new me that loves you and is not in a constant state of depression. Love and respect are free for him to give and for many years he denied me that and yet he wanted me so much to love him more to ML to him MORE and I could not when I was in soooo much PAIN.
..... but he now knows that he was part of my sadness and all it takes is for him to love me with honor and I am ME the Woman he loves and can not be without, the Woman who takes care of him who loves him whether he has 50 cents or 50 thousand dollars,, the Woman who lifts him up when everything seems bleak the Woman who never stopped loving him when he was lost and ready to walk away from everything for a fling with some *&^%$^,, The Woman I am who loved him unconditionally when I could have just closed the door on the beauty that I knew we could share and I never gave up,,I was ready to just once but I got up of the floor put my pride ( but not my dignity) in a box and Let go and let God,
plain and simple Me his WIFE no hiding and no mistrust on my part. It makes it so much easier to love and to live that is for sure..
