Well I have been feeling much better theses last few weeks and actually I went thru last week feeling good but very drained I took a few naps a day for some reason....

I have been getting along great ( a few bumps but no big deal Thank GOD) with my H even though he is In Mexico again. I let go and just trusted in him and in myself to be ok. He has been gone with my "BABY" ( my 7 yr old son ) for about 2.5 weeks now and I really started to miss him on New Years Eve. Christmas morning I got melancholy but NYE was too much .
I cried some and I cried some more and I actually have been feeling good but at the same time I have been feeling alot of emotions and I have been crying some evryday. Not b/c I am feeling sorry for myself but more to cleanse my soul I think. I am very emotional ,, and NO it is not that time of the month .
I have been giving myself permission to feel and to grieve and to mourn and to rejoice. Just the other day my H called and he was being a little saucy on the phone and we started to out of nowhere have a convo about our R.
he mentioned a sexual thing and then I mentioned a sexual position that I now enjoy that I used to be not so happy to do and he said he used to love to do that position but no longer,,, cause for so long I used to make him feel bad about it,,,, then I said well it is hard for me to explain but now that I feel like you really love me it is good for me . It is hard to explain... then he said " well try and explain it honey,," and I said " Ok I will try,," I said " I used to live in fear and felt like your sexuality had nothing to do with me and I was just a release for you and now that I know you really and truly love me it is so different. I know that you love me and anything you and I do now it feels so right so beautiful. " " I used to feel very insecure and like you didnt see me and I am alot better now,, I know that at the end of the day not matter what it is me ,, it is me you are coming home to and I did not used to have that."
" you have changed alot and I have changed alot and the other day when you tried so say you knew who I was you were wrong cause yes I am the same but at the same time I am completely different and so are you,, I have grown and so have you,, like for instance I am not stupid I know that posibly that girl you have a tattoo of may be over there and maybe you will see her and yet i can no longer hold my breath and live in sadness like I used to waiting for you to let me down,, I have faith in you and i must trust you and I will . It is up to you to do the right thing and not let me down and if and when you ever would then the trust will leave and not until then. I used to live in fear you were always going to let me down again and now I dont and that is what you can not get used to either.

.... but you really , really hurt me this summer and since then I refuse to live in constant fear. I either love you and have faith in you or leave no in between and if you would ever let me down then that is when I need to be sad but not constantly like before.."

I was crying while I told him all of this and you what it felt so good to let him know the pain I was in and used to feel daily and how now my behavior seems unbelievable cause I have just let go and decided to live and to be Happy. He told me she was not there nor had been there during his stay.....
I told him" Wel I made a decision weeks ago not to talk to you about this and to just have faith in you and faith in our love and know that even if she was there it was up to you to make the right choice and not do anything bad and that is all I can do the rest is up to you but I am not going to be stressed about it everyday. I have to trust you and know that you will make the right choices." he said ' I know honey , now stop crying, Please. "


I dunno if he will ever know the immense pain he has caused me but I think he has alot more respect for me than he used to ,, NO!
Even before this "good for me to get this off my back" conversation.

I KNOW he has alot more respect for me....


And now I am crying on my keyboard, so I will take a break and post more later.....

Life is good and we can make it better everyday by loving ourselves enough to respect ourselves.
God bless....