Journaling ....


Wow I have sooo much to update on and I do not know where to begin and the really strange part is always around the 11th of the month we seem to have a "talk"..... ?

I am really trying hard to grasp all of this and see where I need to change/bc I now I know that I need to do alot of work and now after our talk I know I need to do so much more.

I am actually in shock still after our conversation today I feel so proud of my H and think wow this is amazing,,,,


We talked alot about our R and how I still hold back with him that he would like me to open up more and be more like I used to be,, I did not want to bring up the past but I had to,,

I used his favorite phrase,, "WELL I DO NOT WANT TO BRING UP THE PAST BUT,,,"

I told him that it has really and truly taken me alot of work to get to where I am now and he just needed to give me more time to get to where I need to be and he replied well I am excited for the day when you will get there and it is so hard for me to wait for you ,, AND I then said well I did not want to say it like this but you know it is hard for me not to compare myslef to her and it is on my mind more than I care to admit and it still makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like I am not good enough for you,,, I think you are so beautiful and you can have anyone you want and I do not feel good enough I need to feel good in order to be back to the way I used to be so strong and free ,, I was centered when you met me and you just helped me to feel so beautiful and after all the things you told me when you were with her it is hard to get over and it hinders me from being who I know I can be,, trust me I do not like making you wait nor do I want to but I have to get better and I just think I am not super thin like her and he stopped me and he said Honey do you really think she is beautiful? AND I replied well no you know I told you I never thought she could measure up to my beauty but at the same time I do not think she is ugly and so I feel like I do not compare it is hard to explain to you how I feel and it is complicated but I know that you love me very much and that I love you and yet it is hard to get over,,,

HE SAID THIS TO ME,,, she is over and I do not ever want to be with her,, she begged me and I told her I did not want to be with her and I dont,, he told me lots more but it is a blur of words,, it did however make me feel stronger,, and I told him why didnt you tel me all this before it would have helped for me to know and he really couldnt say anything,, I was crying a little at this point.


I guess he just helped me to feel more secure and he told me that he was sorry basically,,, he made it clear that he loves ME and that looks are not important and that he feels very Happy with me and he can be who he wants to be with me and he did not have that with her and he was sorry for telling me too much about their interactions,,,,,
It felt good to not let myself be quiet but instead nicelt tel him that I was feeling x,y or z .
It was actually quite liberating and I hope he understands me a little more now.
he said he actually thinks about our R alot wen he is away and he wants for us to grow and get better. I must admit I am very proud of this step he took.

I guess to me it feels like he is being brave and letting me know what he needs,,, it feels right. It pleases me that he opens up to me,, he is actualy very serious alot of the time and to him R talk is a very serious matter. So when he does it on his own it makes me feel like he really cares about our Future. I did also mention that when he goes to Mexico If I am to help with OUR Business when he is gone I would be more than willing to help like last time,,,

but only if he chooses not to argue with me and he agreed,, so he will need to keep his word and if he back slides I will gently remind him that , it is not ok to treat me like that. (USE MY VOICE!)

WHAT HE SAID THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND WAS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN MY COURT AND I CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE IT I JUST DONT,,,,,, and the scary part is he is sooooo right.

When I got up off the ground when he dropped the BOMB,, I just changed and started to get the old me back I am almost there but do still have to build up more my self esteem and get more in touch with who I can be and who I am so that I can shine and he wants that for me and that in itself is such a blessing I can not pretend not to see that that he wants for me to be Happy and be really me and know that he loves me.

This week alone that he has been gone he has said he loves me aloooot I really do feel content and know that I need to let her go,, I have had her on my mind longer thanhe even had an affair with her,, and it is sad but it is the truth , I will not come here and lie and pretend I am this pillar of strength,, Yes I am very strong but at the same time I am human and he hurt me but by me holding on to the hurt so D*MN tight I am not enjoying fully what is right in front of me,,, I guess to let it go for me so easily for awhile worked and I put in in the back of my mind but I held it in there and have not allowed myself to feel it and then get thru it.
I am cheating myself b/c I am a beautiful woman wIth really so much beauty inside that other people just love me,, but I need to love myself and let her go and allow myself to enjoy this extraordinary love that I really do have in me for him and for myself,, why is she beTter than me,,b/c she is younger and thinner?/ YEah just great reasons,, could she be who I was thru this?
I highly doubt it so why feel less, I loved him unconditionally and wanted for him to just be Happy and all the while he was just dying for me to love him and show him that love instead of just feeling it....

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do ~~~~~face myself face my fears,, he said it has really been up to me,, and like I said before it was like he hit me over the head this is why I confused him so and he slowly.... slowly came back to me when he saw me growing and being the woman he always knew I was,, it is such a blessing for me for him to open up the way he did ...

I dunno I hope that this just keeps growing into something better..

I am ready to let this go and work really hard the one gift my H wants is me so why fight it... I have to stop fighting this I really do!

God bless...