I read a really good book called "How Can I Forgive You" and one of the things they talk about in the book goes beyond forgivness.
It is about the person who causes the pain validating the pain they have caused. It is one thing to be able to forgive but for the victim to have their pain acknowledged and to feel understood makes a huge difference.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Quote: Can I trust this love and can I trust this Newfound Happiness? I hope so.
I think right now your answer is yes, but you have reservations. Who wouldn't? You have every right to wonder if this is going to last. You've been hurt and utimately what it will take for this to subside is that this newfound happiness continues to happen - for some time. The answer is - it will take time...
Quote: I do want to be happy and just let go and yet I a terrified he will let me down and just walk away again.. do I share with him when he comes home before he leaves for Mexico like he said he would that I am soooooooooooo terrified of losing him or do I keep my fear to myself? I was @ to tell him the other day but he was being sooooo loving that I knew I would just ruin it by saying anything,, so I kept it to myself.
Our minds are wonderful things capable of stuff yet that we don't even know. But they can also play tricks on us. You have the skills, the tools, and the talent to focus on the things in your R/M that work - and work for the postive. Trust in yourself and what you have learned over this time. Don't lose yourself or define your happiness solely on the happiness of your M. Being happy, being confident, being the best Ali you can be for you - these are the things that have drawn your H back to you. He did not do the work you have done. Of course, it took effort by him in order to piece your M back together. But he has only scratched the surface on himself. The reason he is changing his behaviors in the R/M is because of you. You have created a wave of positive change in your M because of what you have done. Be proud of this. Let this settle your mind just a little.
It is natural to feel scared sometimes. I read that often for infidelity - this happens alot. This is where your H needs to reassure you. But I think (IMO) if you tell him your worried - it will remind him of the pain he caused you and the PA. His natural defense mechanisms may come up and it may result in you feeling worse. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. So when he is around and you are feeling insecure or scared - just give him a great big wrap around hug!
Continue to make life beautiful Ali. Your story is a wonderful one. I wish you, your H, and your family more growth together in the future.
Wow what a typo I see I spelled excruciatingly VERY BADLY BUT OH WELL IT FELT SO GOOD YESTERDAY TO VENT.... I thank You so very much for your responses BND and Santhony....... you both are so sweet.
I feel so much better today and got an extreme amount of housework done today,,,, and I feel like I can do this,,,,,
I am well and I am blessed and my kids are well and my H loves me very much ,, underneath it all he does love me and most of all D*MN it I love myself.... and I am going to take this whole month that he will be away working and then when he goes to Mexico to recharge and get beautiful. I deserve to and so do my kids,, when I am Happy I can see that they are too,,
I plan to start working out again tomorrow and then when my kids get home home school I promised them I would take them to the Y.So they can play and swim,,, I hope tomorrow you all have a Fantastic day and I hope I do too. God bless...
Well today I have yet to go to the GYM but I am catching up on alot of office stuff here at home,( we are self employed.) Also I am just taking it all in and actually enjoying my time here alone. I have been skimming over the book PM again and will be taking it wth me to the Gym TO READ when I am on that Wonderful stationary bike,
I am keeping a very positive PMA and trying to let go of any ugly I still feel inside. As the year comes close to an end I realize I have grown so much and yet want to grow even more. I want to let go of all the hurt I have re: the OW and all of my H very selfish behavior during our seperation.
I realize he was not intentionaly trying to hurt me but he did ,, he was truly arrogant and yet I detached enough to not feel it so much and little by little it creeps back and I get angry,
I know that by me being strong and yet loving he did choose me and she was trying like hell to get him back and he let his EGO get in the way and allowed her to keep callling and sending pictures even when we were newly reconciled,, and I realize this actually has no bearing on me.
He has long suffered from Low Self Esteem and also that is what scares me,, if he does not grow and find love for himself he will be an easy target for her ,, but I choose to be the best me and little by little let go and realize if she can get him back so easily then he was really never in this with me for good to begin with.
I am trying to confront my fear head on by just being who I want to be with him and not holding back anymore,, I am being the me I have wanted to be for so long.
I need to work on my own inner demons,,,,, I can not make him be LOYAL, FAITHFUL OR TRUSTWORTHY,, he has to choose those things for himself.
I can choose to be the best I am and at the end of the day look in the mirror and know I have done all I can to show him I love him and love myself enough to know I have done my best and I am only human.
This is a battle no less and I am willing to take the challenge I just wish the memories were still not so strong and I could make them be softer and not so frequent.
.....he was willng to take a risk that I would not fall back into my old patterns of holding back and being depressed and focusing on all the mistakes he had made instead of letting go and working towards the future and not livivng in the past,, he even told me the day we Reconciled he WAS SCARED,, so I know that for myself I must continue to grow and stretch and strengthen and for him to be happy and content as well. He wants for me to be happy and yet I can see that he is still holding back some.... just like me he is most likely scared that this is not real and the shoe will fall of at any moment. In time I am sure he will let go more and so will I,,,,
To confront my fears and confront myself has actually been very hard,,,
I was hurting him /and myself for sure by not allowing myelf to love myself or him and just waiting for things to MAGICALLY get better.
It was like I was holding my breath and just waiting,, that is what got me here and I intend to make efforts to not stand still and just wait ,, to get my hands dirty, to fall down a couple of times, to scrape my knees to keep at this until I get it right.
I am surely scared a H*LL but this gift I want of a Beautiful Committed, SOLID Marriage is one that does not come by me doing nothing,,,,, I have to participate and put in every thing I can and at the same time just let go of my expectations of how far he is supposed to be or I am supposed to be.....
This is hard work but it makes the reward so much sweeter. God bless...
Quote: if you tell him your worried - it will remind him of the pain he caused you and the PA. His natural defense mechanisms may come up and it may result in you feeling worse.
Sorry for hijack...but I think what Santhony said was really good and true!!
Thanks YOYO,,, no worries. I am feeling alot of emotions lately and I will elaborate later in one of my super long posts... Thank you for being so sweet and checking on me,, Christmas Music that I always love and occasionally brings me to tears is making me cry soooooo much,,,,,,
I am going to the grocery store with my kids and then I will be making them a HUGE breakfast I will be posting later so maybe my heart will not be soooooooooooooooo heavy... Love you all
Quote: This is hard work but it makes the reward so much sweeter.
Hey Ali -
Your right - it is hard work. But you are doing it and the reward is great. It is worth fighting for. I am so glad for you that you get this chance with your H. You can continue to influence him - keep him attracted - I have no doubt of this.
At some point - your H is going to have to do some work. The important thing is that he needs to want to make the changes. You can encourage him or guide him provided he reaches out for the help. Look for those opportunities where he reaches out and maybe help guide him based on what you have learned about you! People pay more attention to those who have come through the storm than those who talk it but never faced it.
Wow I have sooo much to update on and I do not know where to begin and the really strange part is always around the 11th of the month we seem to have a "talk"..... ?
I am really trying hard to grasp all of this and see where I need to change/bc I now I know that I need to do alot of work and now after our talk I know I need to do so much more.
I am actually in shock still after our conversation today I feel so proud of my H and think wow this is amazing,,,,
We talked alot about our R and how I still hold back with him that he would like me to open up more and be more like I used to be,, I did not want to bring up the past but I had to,,
I used his favorite phrase,, "WELL I DO NOT WANT TO BRING UP THE PAST BUT,,,"
I told him that it has really and truly taken me alot of work to get to where I am now and he just needed to give me more time to get to where I need to be and he replied well I am excited for the day when you will get there and it is so hard for me to wait for you ,, AND I then said well I did not want to say it like this but you know it is hard for me not to compare myslef to her and it is on my mind more than I care to admit and it still makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like I am not good enough for you,,, I think you are so beautiful and you can have anyone you want and I do not feel good enough I need to feel good in order to be back to the way I used to be so strong and free ,, I was centered when you met me and you just helped me to feel so beautiful and after all the things you told me when you were with her it is hard to get over and it hinders me from being who I know I can be,, trust me I do not like making you wait nor do I want to but I have to get better and I just think I am not super thin like her and he stopped me and he said Honey do you really think she is beautiful? AND I replied well no you know I told you I never thought she could measure up to my beauty but at the same time I do not think she is ugly and so I feel like I do not compare it is hard to explain to you how I feel and it is complicated but I know that you love me very much and that I love you and yet it is hard to get over,,,
HE SAID THIS TO ME,,, she is over and I do not ever want to be with her,, she begged me and I told her I did not want to be with her and I dont,, he told me lots more but it is a blur of words,, it did however make me feel stronger,, and I told him why didnt you tel me all this before it would have helped for me to know and he really couldnt say anything,, I was crying a little at this point.
I guess he just helped me to feel more secure and he told me that he was sorry basically,,, he made it clear that he loves ME and that looks are not important and that he feels very Happy with me and he can be who he wants to be with me and he did not have that with her and he was sorry for telling me too much about their interactions,,,,,
It felt good to not let myself be quiet but instead nicelt tel him that I was feeling x,y or z .
It was actually quite liberating and I hope he understands me a little more now.
he said he actually thinks about our R alot wen he is away and he wants for us to grow and get better. I must admit I am very proud of this step he took.
I guess to me it feels like he is being brave and letting me know what he needs,,, it feels right. It pleases me that he opens up to me,, he is actualy very serious alot of the time and to him R talk is a very serious matter. So when he does it on his own it makes me feel like he really cares about our Future. I did also mention that when he goes to Mexico If I am to help with OUR Business when he is gone I would be more than willing to help like last time,,,
but only if he chooses not to argue with me and he agreed,, so he will need to keep his word and if he back slides I will gently remind him that , it is not ok to treat me like that. (USE MY VOICE!)
WHAT HE SAID THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND WAS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN MY COURT AND I CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE IT I JUST DONT,,,,,, and the scary part is he is sooooo right.
When I got up off the ground when he dropped the BOMB,, I just changed and started to get the old me back I am almost there but do still have to build up more my self esteem and get more in touch with who I can be and who I am so that I can shine and he wants that for me and that in itself is such a blessing I can not pretend not to see that that he wants for me to be Happy and be really me and know that he loves me.
This week alone that he has been gone he has said he loves me aloooot I really do feel content and know that I need to let her go,, I have had her on my mind longer thanhe even had an affair with her,, and it is sad but it is the truth , I will not come here and lie and pretend I am this pillar of strength,, Yes I am very strong but at the same time I am human and he hurt me but by me holding on to the hurt so D*MN tight I am not enjoying fully what is right in front of me,,, I guess to let it go for me so easily for awhile worked and I put in in the back of my mind but I held it in there and have not allowed myself to feel it and then get thru it.
I am cheating myself b/c I am a beautiful woman wIth really so much beauty inside that other people just love me,, but I need to love myself and let her go and allow myself to enjoy this extraordinary love that I really do have in me for him and for myself,, why is she beTter than me,,b/c she is younger and thinner?/ YEah just great reasons,, could she be who I was thru this?
I highly doubt it so why feel less, I loved him unconditionally and wanted for him to just be Happy and all the while he was just dying for me to love him and show him that love instead of just feeling it....
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do ~~~~~face myself face my fears,, he said it has really been up to me,, and like I said before it was like he hit me over the head this is why I confused him so and he slowly.... slowly came back to me when he saw me growing and being the woman he always knew I was,, it is such a blessing for me for him to open up the way he did ...
I dunno I hope that this just keeps growing into something better..
I am ready to let this go and work really hard the one gift my H wants is me so why fight it... I have to stop fighting this I really do!
Had a terrible morning and MY H lost his temper like he does and called me an IDIOT<< but you know what I stayed very calm.
This was my DAY,, my H wanted me to go buy a MiniVan in a town roughly 2 hours away and I have only been there once, he used to work there everyday for a few months.And then drive two more hours and go to a DMV and get commercial license plates for one of his work trucks. I was willing and last nite he told me I will give you directions once you get to the exit,,,, I asked him for the directions this morning when his spritis seemd good and I know how he can get later when he is busy working, I wanted to be prepared. He said the name of a street that was nearby and so I looked up directions for myself on the internet and printed them and I went to rent a car and I was on my way. I was driving and then I see that my "fully" charged cell phone is @ to die and I call and tell him my phone is dying and I will try to get a charger for it on the way and call you later.( no CAR charger for my phone it is sold out)
Well I got to the subdivision I was supposed to get to and called him with what little battery was left and the phone died.
I know I should have called him when I got to the exit but I hoped to see the van near the subdidvison and knew he would get ugly so I tried to avoid the unavoidable,, Bad move! I went to a gas station to use the pay phone and the phone was out of order,,
the next Gas station too and then when I reached him I nicely told him I am at the exit you told me to get off on and could yoU please give me directions on how to get there and then I can go get the Van,,,, he EXPLODED.
MIND YOU ALL HE HAD TO SAY WAS TURN LEFT GO STRAIGHT FOR @ 6 MILES AND THEN TURN RIGHT AND WITHIN A MILE YOU WILL SEE THE VAN PARKED THERE.
Instead he went on a TYRADE,,,,,,, how can you be so stupid , you must have passed the Mcdonalds to get to that subdivision, and when I said I actually did not see a Mcdonalds he blew up even more,,,, I tried to diffuse the situation but his anger just kept escalating,, the coins I deposited were not enough and so the call ended THANK THE LORD FOR THAT. I had warned him to just give me the directions or the call would end. I go into this Gas Sation and I buy a calling card and when I get back out to the phone booth some man is taking it apart... SHEESH.
But again I took a deep breath stayed calm, very calm actually ( plus I was driving a Brand New Nissan Maxima, and the sun was coming out,, LIFE IS GOOD )
During his tyrade I kind of thought I read between the lines how to get there and so I did find the Mcdonalds intersection,, I called him again and asked him to tell me which way to go and he still wanted to argue,, I just do not get it???
I calmy stated,, I do not want to argue so can you please just give me the directions,, he stubbornly asks me did you pass this intersection before and I said (CALMY AGAIN) NO I DID NOT.
He gave me the directions which were turn left when you leave the Gas Station and if you get to the Citgo and you do not see the Van you went to far,,,,, well I got to the Citgo and I never saw a van,,
------------------->but you know what I passed the subdivision I was at earlier and when I got to the Citgo.
It was the first Gas Station I went to,, so I came into the subdivision on the right and he always came in on the left of it. He specifically asked me to call him whether the van was there or not and I did.
---------------> and then he askd me if I needed directions to Madison and I actualy did cause he told me he would help at least get to the hwy and which way to take.
I nicely replied "Actually NO I have directions in the car".
I did have directions to the DMV but from my home and not from the city I was in.But I had stopped at a Gas Station earlier to ask which way to go to get to the Mcdonalds /Walgreens intersection and so he was soo nice and I thought well I will head back there and buy a map and be on my way.
He asked me if I found what I was looking for and I replied Yes Thank You soooooo much , that is why I came back here to buy a Map cause you were so nice to me and Now I need to head to Madison,, he told me how to get there and I left with my Map too. ( Just in case)
Anyway I arrived at the DMV to get the Commercial Plates and you know what I received the best blessing,,, I got my number and I waited for one Man ahead of me and then I was next,, the Lady said they are NORMALLY SO CONGESTED IT TAKES A MINIMUM OF 2 TO 3 HOURS TO GET YOUR PLATES,,,, I was in and out in @ 10 MINUTES , I REPEAT 10 MINUTES, SERIOUSLY and I also renewed the License Plates for the other truck he has to Renew on on December 30th while I was there. And I told her I know why I only had to wait in line for 2 minutes instead of 2-3 hours b/c God is surely blessing me for being a good person! SHE JUST SMILED.
I now know that when he comes home I will tell him that giving or getting directions is a sore subject with him and I do not want to give or get directions any more,,,, he was frustrated with work when I spoke with him in the morning and he was calling me sweet pet names and then later when he must have been just stressed to the max from work I recieved the whole enchilada and boy it was a big one.
I sobbed when I got off the phone with him and then later when I spoke to him I did not get an apology but he was very quiet and so I knew that meant he regretted saying all that stuff to me.
I was very proud of myself today for not arguing back and not gettng in an argument and when he said you are going to give me a HeartAttack .I calmy stated you are the only one that is yelling and you are going to give yourself one.
Well if you are stil reading @ this crazy day Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and if you have any thoughts I surely would be blessed to hear them.
And I guess for me it was so nice not to have to sit and wait for hours,, I had no magazine nor any power left on my Ipod. I was just bracing myself to be there for hours on end,,,,, and I was pleasantly suprised.
I also discovered,, I really do love my cell phone and yes it was sort of a pain to have to use the DINOSAUR Payphones, but at the same time I was able to enjoy my drive and I learned a valuable lesson,, love me the most when I deserve it the least still holds alot of power in my book. My H probably deserved for me to hang up on him he even said HELLO a few times thinking I had hung up on him and I would reply I am still here I will not hang up on you I do not do that. And yet I did not and I did not let him get to me and in the end I was blessed.
Thank God for Gas Stations and the people who work there and for the few payphones that still exist. God bless....
I guess I used to be a bit like your H about giving directions or getting directions. I also acted a little like that when trying to explain to STBXW how to turn off the water at home or re-light the pilot when I was not there.
From my perspective (this is not justifying it - just giving perspective) - I knew exactly what I needed to do either get somewhere or to turn off the main water supply or to re-light the pilot. So to me - these tasks were considered very easy to do, easy to understand.
Problem is, they weren't easy to my STBXW. I didn't take her knowledge of the topic into consideration and assumed she knew how to do this as well as I did - when she had no idea how to do what I was trying to explain - frustration ensued.
Why did this happen? Because I didn't take STBXW into consideration when I was trying to explain the directions. I forgot that there are probably lots of things she does that if she tried to explain - I couldn't do well either. So while I can understand where your H is coming from on a frustration level - it was inappropriate when I did it, and it is inappropriate when your H does it too.
We teach people how we want to be treated. While we can't "train" them overnight - they can be taught how to treat us respectfully. But not engaging in a fight or gettin upset - this was a good first step. I might recommend asking your H to speak with you more calmly or you will ask him to wait until he is more calm and then have him call you back.
I hate to say it, but it is like the samething with kids. Setting boundaries and being sure that there are consequences if the boundaries are crossed.
You sound like you did very good. Keep creating the experience you want in the M - and you'll get it.
I was just bracing myself to be there for hours on end,,,,, and I was pleasantly suprised.