Well today I have yet to go to the GYM but I am catching up on alot of office stuff here at home,( we are self employed.) Also I am just taking it all in and actually enjoying my time here alone.
I have been skimming over the book PM again and will be taking it wth me to the Gym TO READ when I am on that Wonderful stationary bike,

I am keeping a very positive PMA and trying to let go of any ugly I still feel inside. As the year comes close to an end I realize I have grown so much and yet want to grow even more. I want to let go of all the hurt I have re: the OW and all of my H very selfish behavior during our seperation.

I realize he was not intentionaly trying to hurt me but he did ,, he was truly arrogant and yet I detached enough to not feel it so much and little by little it creeps back and I get angry,


I know that by me being strong and yet loving he did choose me and she was trying like hell to get him back and he let his EGO get in the way and allowed her to keep callling and sending pictures even when we were newly reconciled,, and I realize this actually has no bearing on me.

He has long suffered from Low Self Esteem and also that is what scares me,, if he does not grow and find love for himself he will be an easy target for her ,, but I choose to be the best me and little by little let go and realize if she can get him back so easily then he was really never in this with me for good to begin with.

I am trying to confront my fear head on by just being who I want to be with him and not holding back anymore,, I am being the me I have wanted to be for so long.

I need to work on my own inner demons,,,,, I can not make him be LOYAL, FAITHFUL OR TRUSTWORTHY,, he has to choose those things for himself.

I can choose to be the best I am and at the end of the day look in the mirror and know I have done all I can to show him I love him and love myself enough to know I have done my best and I am only human.

This is a battle no less and I am willing to take the challenge I just wish the memories were still not so strong and I could make them be softer and not so frequent.

.....he was willng to take a risk that I would not fall back into my old patterns of holding back and being depressed and focusing on all the mistakes he had made instead of letting go and working towards the future and not livivng in the past,, he even told me the day we Reconciled he WAS SCARED,, so I know that for myself I must continue to grow and stretch and strengthen and for him to be happy and content as well. He wants for me to be happy and yet I can see that he is still holding back some.... just like me he is most likely scared that this is not real and the shoe will fall of at any moment.
In time I am sure he will let go more and so will I,,,,

To confront my fears and confront myself has actually been very hard,,,

I was hurting him /and myself for sure by not allowing myelf to love myself or him and just waiting for things to MAGICALLY get better.

It was like I was holding my breath and just waiting,, that is what got me here and I intend to make efforts to not stand still and just wait ,, to get my hands dirty, to fall down a couple of times, to scrape my knees to keep at this until I get it right.

I am surely scared a H*LL but this gift I want of a Beautiful Committed, SOLID Marriage is one that does not come by me doing nothing,,,,, I have to participate and put in every thing I can and at the same time just let go of my expectations of how far he is supposed to be or I am supposed to be.....


This is hard work but it makes the reward so much sweeter.
God bless...