OK THAT FELT REALLY GOOD TO LET IT aLL OUT AND NOW I KNOW THAT I NEED TO ROLL UP MY SLEEVES AND GET TO WORK ON ME WHILE HE IS GONE FOR A BIT WORKING... funny I am not to concerned he will try to get a hold of OW while he is gone and I hope that while he is in Mexico she will stay away from his parents house but that would be a Miracle seeing as she will most likely go to see her Family in Mexico cause it is the Holidays and my SIL is her close friend but it will be up to my H to do what is right and be honarable,, when the time comes that he is there I will have to work on being strong and not beng whiny or sad.It will be up tpo me to do ehat is right and be supportive and not let my jealousy get in the way,,,,, I have had a real problem with the Green eyed Monster in the past and all with bad results obviously. Jealousy will get me nowhere so I need to work on my self esteem more and realize that no matter what ,,,I need to choose to hold onto myself thru this and I can do it but will I be ok?
Will I get upset all the time wondering OMG is she there is he looking at her and is she trying to get him back, is she over there and is he drinking and is she drinking too? He did tell me that he supposedly told her that she would never ever meet his kids that they would not be a part of her.,,, why does this have to be this way,, why did he choose someone who will always sort of just be a part of his sisters life?
I guess that just makes me have to work harder,, I will admit I am scared , I think @ this often, more than I care to admit. And every time I think @ her my H will say what is the matter and I say nothing,, it is my fear not one he is creating ...

.....he is actually being very loving to me lately. When we had a small talk the other day @ my need to hear ILY he said it alot more than he has for a few days and then he stopped,,,, He called me sweetie alot and baby a few times too. I know that for me in the past when he gets really nice then he seems to drop something ugly on me ,, when I get Happy and I think everything is great and let my Guard down he does something bad,, like suddenly I found out he was in an EA or a Woman calls his phone and it was supposedly for his friend etc etc,,,, Maybe I do not want to fully let her go cause then I would have to face the fear that he may do something again and I am just being a fool for believing again or just get thru this and see it is ok and just be, just be ok with him and trust him.. I wil have to work on that thought.
In yhe past when he has been so sweet like this it was b/c he was hiding something and then it would come to the light or he would just suddenly burst my bubble and get ugly on me and say he was just saying what I wanted to hear. I think after everything we have been thru he has grown and yet I am so scared to just enjoy this and believe.
Can I trust this love and can I trust this Newfound Happiness? I hope so.
Also he called (while driving to his destination) @ 4 pm and I called him @ 6 and then he just called a bit ago just to say Hi again,, so he is being just great and I am feeling soo much right now and I am just so Happy to keep posting here and working thru my Feelings. I know I am just scared to let go cause holdong on to it allows me not to face my fear of falling flat on my face and this was al just a cruel joke,, yes I know I am just being foolish.
I do want to be happy and just let go and yet I a terrified he will let me down and just walk away again.. do I share with him when he comes home before he leaves for Mexico like he said he would that I am soooooooooooo terrified of losing him or do I keep my fear to myself?
I was @ to tell him the other day but he was being sooooo loving that I knew I would just ruin it by saying anything,, so I kept it to myself.

Wow I am losing my mind right mow and all by my own choice...
God bless...