Hi all, well it has been interesting since I last posted.... to say the least. Lots to catch up on,,, Thanks for the Starbucks BTW Santhony ,, I do love going there and pastries ??? LOL I love those too, thanks for that post you made my day the other day when I peeked in to see if I had any posts.....
Well today my H is off to go work in another State he will be @ 6 hours from here... and then he will return to go to Mexico for three weeks.... I am pretty sure I will be allowing my son to go with him and just pray that he will be just fine. That will be soo hard for me cause actaully my son is realy my Gift from God and he brightens up my day so much ,, I will have to get tough and deal with it,,,, most likely extra hours in the Gym will help....
Well my H and I had a slight blow out the other day and it was re: his Tattoo....
So to make a long story short he still has it and he will have to make Appt. on his own and cover it on his own,, I have decided to not even help him with this when he asks anymore and just be..... ( unless of course he begs which I doubt will happen any time soon)
The other day he got pretty cruel and mean and said he would cover it when (translated from Spanish) his B**LS were swollen up and he was good and ready..... in essence whenever he d*mn well feels like it and I cannot tell him any different..... I did bring upon his anger by getting angry myself beforehand and telling him well it is obvious you do not want to cover it b/c you make no intentions of coming home go to the appointment. So that is when he blew up and said that ,, he also said he is ot here to please me,, if you want me to go just to plesase you ,, if i want to HAVE IT ON THERE FOREVER I WILL AND ,,, I cut him off and said
You Know you are entitled to say anything you want and feel all that about it,,, but just so you know in case you were wondering what you are saying to me is hurting my feelings ,you can keep it forever if that is what you want you are just hurting me, just in case you thought you werent. He tried to take it back by saying he has tried to go and for me to know that he will go when he is good and ready!
....so later that day he calls me and I told him that I had already cancelled the Appt.( we were supposed to go after 11 am and talk to her about it and we were supposed to also go the day before) and he asked "Now why did you go and do that?"Somebody please shoot me... So I called her back and asked if he could get in @4 pm,, she sed sure,, wel he gets here @ 2:45 pm and when 4 rolls around he does not say a Damn thing and so I went downstairs and cancelled the Appt...... I guess his B**LS were not ready... As the hours go by suddenly the Tattoo comes up and he says well that is why I got here and I was waiting for you to say something,, I said I am not going to say another word about it I told you that earlier today when you were so cruel if you do not remember so when your B**LS are good and ready and you want to go then you can go. I will no longer be a part of that,,,,
.... sorry if I sound B*tchy or cold or insert any word there but I am so tired of this and to me it just feels plain disrespectful,,,,,, COG was right his body his choice,,,, but I decided ( that day)for my own sake to draw the line that I do not have to look at it if I choose not to,, ( when he took off his shirt I turned the other way and did not look,, and when we showered together the next day I did nt face him either) plus it is on his chest and above his heart and so that makes it hurt even more or when I am on top and we are ML it kind of is hard to be sensual when her name is staring right at me.....
I know I probably am acting like an idiot and I welcome aNY COMMENTS TO HELP ME STOP FEELING AND ACTING THIS WAY. I HAVE realized that COG is sooooo right and I need to let it go and let God but maybe I am wrong here but I also feel I have the right not to have to e overyly exposed to it like it does not affect me.. As dumb s it seems I feel as though I cannot move PAST THIS AFFAIR when I have to look at her name all the time,, my Goodness he has for other Tattoos asnd none of them involve me so for him top go and do something like that meant that he felt alot for her and I know that is hwy iyt hurts more,, it is like I choose to llow myself to relive all the AFFAIR EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT. AND YES I LAY MORE IMPORTANCE TO IT THAN HE DOES,, THE DAY AFTER I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE TATTOO BACK IN JUNE HE HIMSELF SAID TO ME
I just want to tell you that the Tattoo has little importance to me and I feel you desreve to know that..... and I had not even mentioned it and in that convo he also said to me Can you be honest with me? and I sed sure @ what?
He asked " Do you think I am going to lose everything over something sooooooo stupid?" and I asked " Do you mean her?" and he replied "Well all of this.." And I said "Yes." That is why they give you 120 days here to get a D so that you can be absolutely sure that you want a D and have no doubts.." "You did not even give yourself or me that chance by going into the arms of another in a heartbeat." So " yes being honest I think you have alot to lose..." I went on to say this to him...
"I love you very much even after I found out about her that has not changed my love for you and I will teel you that you my beginning and my end and I can go out right now, we live right downtown you know and find some guy , any guy I feel like ,,find a replacement for you like you did for me but I would only be lying to myself and my heart by pretending I could love another the way I love you.." "Even though you hurt me I love you still and loving you for ten years cannot go away in a matter of weeks for me it is just not that easy for me like it was for you.."
Sorry you all, I am not ungrateful for this blessing of having my H , I love him very, very much I am just feeling alot of emotions and need to vent.
He has been very awesome with me lately aside from the dumb comments he made the other day,, he even asked me what was wrong the the nite and I sed well what you said to me earlier was very cruel ,,,if you do not remember I unfortunately do...
I know I openly brought on his anger by trying to control this whole thing and I have to truly let go and I admit I am not doing a very good job of it..... I am really trying to let go and yet I feel as though he keeps it b/c he stil cares for her and it hurts...
I know he does not care for her just today he said he doe snot kep the Tattoo cause he wants to and I need to realize that,, so why am I holdong onto this with a death grip?? He has had the Tattoo longer than their 10 week R lasted.....
When I see the tattoo these things run thru my mind.. My H saying these things to me....
1. I stayed in a Hotel with her and did not send money for my D9 Bday or talk to her for more than 2 minutes but I had time and $ for a Hotel and shopping at GNC cause I was trying to get fit for her and also giving her over 1200 dollars,,, 2.I put her before my kids. 3.I would talk to her while I was here and talked to her instead of puting the kids to bed one nite and I could not wait to talk to her. 4. I would pretend to need to go to the Gas Station to talk to her. 5. I made you ride your bike to the Pro se D office cause you had no car and file the D for me cause she was pressuring me. 6. I told her she would soon be my Wife. 7. I had hours of time to speak to her but none for my own kids,, I made you help me with my Business every day and even yelled at you like we were stil Married while she sat there looking pretty and enjoying me w/o having to do a damn thing..... 8.I asked you My soon to be XW what my email addy for my phone was for her to send me photos of her and told you it was so my Employees could contact me and I lied right to your face....
yes I could go on , AND I WILL STOP.. AND YES IT IS MY OWN H*LL I AM MAKING FOR MYSELF
I NEED TO LET IT GO ,, SO WHY IN GODS name am I holdIng on to her? SOMEBODY SLAP ME,,,, I AM FINE I AM NOT CRYING OR SAD I AM JUST SO ANGRY I DO NOT LIKE THIS AND I ALONE AM CREATING THIS ,,, HELP... God bless....
