I have been trying to see who I am and find where I need to be,, I think I was lost for awhile and I needed to find myself again,,,,,
I have been very busy lately and I have also been busy finding out more about me and my H too, he is very complex,,,
He has been opening up to me more and I have been pleasantly suprised this past week.
I have been letting my guard down more and at the same time becoming stronger and alot ,alot ,alot, more assertive,,,and I can say that it does feel good.
I still feel some of the pain that was so RAW just a few months ago but I am beginning to se ethe light at the end of the tunnel,,
.....no I will never, ever forget what he did to me and what I did to make him leave,,, ..... but I will forgive myself and I have forgiven him and I will soon be able to have the pain be a distant memory.
I am working very hard on getting to know my H of 10 years better and to allow myself to grow too.It is amazing to find out something new and see who he is more.
In my H I found the person I want to grow old with and that is why it hurt so much when he was ready to walk away.
Now that he is back,,,,
I see that we have to continue to grow and discover every little facet of eachother and really understand what the other needs from us and try our best to give them what they really need, I know that I am the one my H wants to grow old with too,
but I was so distant,,,
that I was not giving him what he truly needed from me( how could I when I was just trying to make it thru the day and not be present ,,,,he was married to a hollow version of me,,,,, I was lost in the pain and I hoped that love and time would carry us thru the bad and magically everything would be better one day without one ounce of hard work,,, WOW did I get a wake up call and my H too) and it caused him soo much pain that he would rather walk away from me he said than to endure more pain,,, that he tried to tell me but I never realy heard him,, we have had alot of talks this week and I can see who he is much better now.
I still feel a little fear that he will just decide he wants to change his mind and not stay but all in all he is not acting in a way that makes me feel this way it is a fear that I have and I need to work on.
To make this work we cannot rely alone on the love we feel for one another and he is getting stronger I can feel it.
....but he still needs me to hold him up more than he would normally need.
I see his vulnerabilty more now ....
underneath all the anger ( THE ANGER IS A FRONT) is a very vulnerable man who just wants me to love him like no other and to help him become a better man.
Lately when I tell him I love him he will say I know you do and just beam like it makes him so happy,, and just a few months ago there ws alot of doubt when I said I love you to him,,,,
Funny how I used to wait for him to change and just hope ....... and now I make the change ( and keep making more changes and keep improving ME) and he seems to get better and follow me,,,,
he is becoming who I need him to be a real genuine Man who loves me and respects me and lets me in his heart,,,,he is becoming who I always needed and I am feeling very optimistic and hope that if I always remeMber he needs me and I need him and to always remeMber that he is real and he is not as "tough" as he looks ,,,he needs love too.
.... and not wait for him to put the ball in motion that then maybe just maybe we will have the M and R that we have always wanted,, the love is there and now we just need to keep working at all the other stuff in between.
It is amazing to me that thru all this pain and suffering I would come out stronger and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined,,, every time I fell down I got back up and against all odds I kept walking thru h*ll and came out the other end a better more grounded human being.
Thank you all so much for always helping me see who I needed to be and letting me know when I needed to go back to the drawing board and fix what was wrong with me, within me I had the power all along to change myself and in turn make my R better than it has been in a very, very , long time. I am so truly grateful to you all here. God bless....
You are so sweet guys, and yeah I myself was begining to worry that I had not posted in awhile, LOL...
I would start and then I had to run and do something and I would get sidetracked. Plus my H was sick and the kids and now I have a toothache from h*ll and almost next to no time to go to the dentist,,, hopefully I will go tomorrow. I have been really busy helping my H run his business and now he wants to branch out on his own and it involves so much more of my time plus everything else I need to do,, sheesh I need help.....Ugh
It is 11 pm and I just finished typing up a Proposal for his meeting tomorrow with a homeowner.
My computer scanning to file is not working, went to Kinkos their machine was down. Tried to install my printer on my sons Apple computer and still no luck..... so I had to do this by myself and it took me no less than 2 hours ,,, And I am so proud of me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....lets see if when H gets up tomorrow he is also proud of me if he is not well then he can draw up his own Proposal sheet next time.
He STILL thinks I am Wonder Woman,, didnt she get to go on vacation too or get her nails done or something anything? LMAO or was she always Wonder Woman,, that which does not kill you will only make you stronger ..... Yeah right LOL,,, I know, I know I wil be stronger tomorrow .(((and also extremely tired,,,,, )))
No big plans for Thanksgiving,, just our Family and me cooking ALOT,, I love to make Thanksgiving Dinner,, and of course I love to eat it even more,,, but the Pumpkin Pie that I will buy at Sams Club, I only bake cookies not pies,,, Also just so you know how hard it is to please me ,, just kidding of course. My h and I ran to his bank on Saturday Morning and it is located in our local Grocery store and he actually went Grocery shopping with me, I was in heaven he NEVER,,,, EVER does that with me,,, WOW the simple things that make me happy.
Geez and other girls want diamonds and pearls and a Lexus and all I want is for MY H to love me and take me to the park once in awhile,,, go for a walk, or go to the Grocery store with me ,,,, He is coming along ...
I just have to keep working on me and keep detached from what he does or does not do for me, or to me,,,,and I seem to be so much better now than I have been in weeks...
I am starting to ramble I think that means I need to go to bed,,,,, Thanks GH and Santhony for checking in on me your support means so much. God bless....
Geez and other girls want diamonds and pearls and a Lexus and all I want is for MY H to love me and take me to the park once in awhile,,, go for a walk, or go to the Grocery store with me ,,,,
That's because you now recognize what's truly valuable.
I'm so glad to read that things are going well for you. Keep up the PMA!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Alimari, This is aidandylan... I changed my screen name becuase I was paranoid H would see it and figure it out.
Anyway, sorry fro the hijack, but I have a question for you so I'm stopping by for some advice. Did your H have trouble ending contact with OW? My H says he told her no contact, yet she keeps texting and calling him. He says he doesn't call her back, but I don't believe him. ANd the only reason I knw about the texts is becuase i look at his phone. Is this part of the process? I usually post on the MLC board. you stopped by once or twice, but that was when I had my old screen name.
Geez and other girls want diamonds and pearls and a Lexus and all I want is for MY H to love me and take me to the park once in awhile,,, go for a walk, or go to the Grocery store with me
Funny... I am a girl who doesn't need those things and always say NO... But I am learning to say YES when H wants to buy me stuff... Think he is a gift-giver kind of lover...
(Note to Aid:, I think it's very hard for the people involved to stop their affairs even when they want to. I think it's part of the biochemical response. Like someone having difficulty stopping alcohol or drug addiction. My husband's correspondence with OW went on much longer than I realized and he was still doing it while slowly "coming back" to me).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
)))
My h and I ran to his bank on Saturday Morning and it is located in our local Grocery store and he actually went Grocery shopping with me, I was in heaven he NEVER,,,, EVER does that with me,,, 
