I have been trying to see who I am and find where I need to be,, I think I was lost for awhile and I needed to find myself again,,,,,

I have been very busy lately and I have also been busy finding out more about me and my H too, he is very complex,,,

He has been opening up to me more and I have been pleasantly suprised this past week.

I have been letting my guard down more and at the same time becoming stronger and alot ,alot ,alot, more assertive,,,and I can say that it does feel good.

I still feel some of the pain that was so RAW just a few months ago but I am beginning to se ethe light at the end of the tunnel,,

.....no I will never, ever forget what he did to me and what I did to make him leave,,,
..... but I will forgive myself and I have forgiven him and I will soon be able to have the pain be a distant memory.

I am working very hard on getting to know my H of 10 years better and to allow myself to grow too.It is amazing to find out something new and see who he is more.

In my H I found the person I want to grow old with and that is why it hurt so much when he was ready to walk away.


Now that he is back,,,,

I see that we have to continue to grow and discover every little facet of eachother and really understand what the other needs from us and try our best to give them what they really need, I know that I am the one my H wants to grow old with too,

but I was so distant,,,

that I was not giving him what he truly needed from me( how could I when I was just trying to make it thru the day and not be present ,,,,he was married to a hollow version of me,,,,, I was lost in the pain and I hoped that love and time would carry us thru the bad and magically everything would be better one day without one ounce of hard work,,, WOW did I get a wake up call and my H too) and it caused him soo much pain that he would rather walk away from me he said than to endure more pain,,, that he tried to tell me but I never realy heard him,, we have had alot of talks this week and I can see who he is much better now.

I still feel a little fear that he will just decide he wants to change his mind and not stay but all in all he is not acting in a way that makes me feel this way it is a fear that I have and I need to work on.

To make this work we cannot rely alone on the love we feel for one another and he is getting stronger I can feel it.

....but he still needs me to hold him up more than he would normally need.

I see his vulnerabilty more now ....

underneath all the anger ( THE ANGER IS A FRONT) is a very vulnerable man who just wants me to love him like no other and to help him become a better man.

Lately when I tell him I love him he will say I know you do and just beam like it makes him so happy,, and just a few months ago there ws alot of doubt when I said I love you to him,,,,

Funny how I used to wait for him to change and just hope .......

and now I make the change ( and keep making more changes and keep improving ME) and he seems to get better and follow me,,,,


he is becoming who I need him to be a real genuine Man who loves me and respects me and lets me in his heart,,,,he is becoming who I always needed and I am feeling very optimistic and hope that if I always remeMber he needs me and I need him and to always remeMber that he is real and he is not as "tough" as he looks ,,,he needs love too.

.... and not wait for him to put the ball in motion that then maybe just maybe we will have the M and R that we have always wanted,, the love is there and now we just need to keep working at all the other stuff in between.


It is amazing to me that thru all this pain and suffering I would come out stronger and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined,,, every time I fell down I got back up and against all odds I kept walking thru h*ll and came out the other end a better more grounded human being.

Thank you all so much for always helping me see who I needed to be and letting me know when I needed to go back to the drawing board and fix what was wrong with me, within me I had the power all along to change myself and in turn make my R better than it has been in a very, very , long time. I am so truly grateful to you all here.
God bless....