Quote: She broke her back at work, was bed ridden for 6 years, had 4 spinal surgeries. I had to work 3 jobs to keep up with the meds, and bills, she had to go into detox, we got into financial trouble, almost lost everything and while all of this was going on, we had a young daughter to take care of. Oh, another thing, her father is also on death’s door.
SIX YEARS! FOUR SURGERIES! THREE JOBS! Ohmigod...
Oh, honey... this is so much to be dealing with (((major hugs)))... I'm hurting for both of you. Sometimes life's adversities bring a couple closer together... but not always. My husband faced many health issues during our marriage and at first it did seem to bring us closer-- sort of an "us against the world" "we're gonna beat this thing." I remember one year when he was home recovering from a major surgery that left an incision all down the inside of his leg. We were home all day together for a couple of weeks and spent the whole time watching movies, eating, and having sex in a rotating cycle. I always had to re-bandage his incision after one of those bouts. Even with the medical problems, those were some sweet days.
But eventually, after 20 hospitalizations in 10 years, I know I started to pull back. The strain on both of us was enormous-- and we didn't have a child to take care of, or financial problems, or an ailing parent. You two have a lot on your plate and you're going to need to take very tiny bites.
Baby, be easy on both of you. I know that the sexual rejection feels like personal rejection... but keep in mind how betrayed she must feel by her body. I know my husband felt that his body had become the enemy... kidney transplant, heart attacks (2), leg amputation, hip replacement... he felt himself just slipping away.
You both have been through huge trauma and have much grieving, sadness, disappointment, broken dreams, and not least: anger to deal with.
I suggest some kind of counseling for you to start... to help you express some of your feelings in a neutral caring atmosphere. I'm not suggesting you first because it's YOUR fault or YOUR problem or that YOU'RE broken or defective in some way. Ultimately a really compassionate therapist would help her, too, but since your W has been through so many medical traumas already, to suggest to her that she go to yet another "medical" practitioner would not be well-received. You go first, then ask her later.
These are huge issues you're dealing with. Your W is probably experiencing some kind of Post Traumatic Stress... just a guess. You might google on that term and see what you get.
You might search for some recent threads by StevenNSF. There was some conversation there about the impact of serious health issues on intimacy.
It's not selfish of you to have "needs," but I think in your heart you know that there is a Big Picture to consider... from your pov it probably looks like "we got through it all, now it's time for us to come together and celebrate our survival," but she may not have processed the terror, anger, betrayal of her body, grief, sadness yet.
Edited to add: I just reread your original post and I see that she is in counseling. Three months is not very long, so be patient. I feel that she has shut down with you because it is safe to do so. That shows a lot of trust on her part. You have to trust someone a lot to show that much hurt-- and she has a LOT to be hurting over (that isn't about you). Are you in counseling? You need someone to be there for YOU. You need someplace to go and talk where YOUR well being is the highest priority. Your W cannot handle that responsibility at the moment. Just keep the connection open between you and her. This will take time.
Even with the medical problems, those were some sweet days.
