Hi everyone. I need some help and not sure where to go. I'll keep my questions kind of short.
I need help dealing with suppress intimate feelings for my wife. We have been in counceling for about 3 months now and it turns out that my wife has shut down with me. Not because she doesn't love me, but from her past. At this point she has been dealing with issues all the way from her chieldhood. She also tells me and the MD agrees that the reason she has shut down with me is because she feels safest with me and that I will be here for her.
I want to be here, however I'm finding it hard to suppress my feelings and when I move tourds my wife, it pushes her away. So, what am I to do? I know this may sound selfish to somke of you, however I do want to be here for my wife, I do want to support her, but what about my needs???
Welcome aboard, hube. Don't worry about making your posts short. We love long posts here , and we love-- and need-- DETAILS.
Who verbally abused your wife?
You wrote
Quote: when I move towards my wife, it pushes her away. So, what am I to do? I know this may sound selfish to some of you
If you've read this board at all (and I urge you to browse the sex-starved forum a lot) you will know that no one here would EVER accuse you of being selfish because you want your sexual needs to be acknowledged by your wife. I'm curious as to where you got the idea that you're being selfish... from your W? From the therapist? This is perfectly normal, healthy, and not selfish at all. Who is telling you it is?
Sorry for the delay. It’s been a bit crazy with Thanksgiving coming up so fast.
As far as the abuse, it came from her entire family. Along with that, for the past 7 years it’s been hard also. She broke her back at work, was bed ridden for 6 years, had 4 spinal surgeries. I had to work 3 jobs to keep up with the meds, and bills, she had to go into detox, we got into financial trouble, almost lost everything and while all of this was going on, we had a young daughter to take care of. Oh, another thing, her father is also on death’s door. We think we’ll have him move in with us and take care of him. However is this going to set us back???
As far as feeling selfish, I’m not sure why I feel that way. Maybe it’s because I get pushed away???? All I know is if I push, she thinks about leaving. It just kills me that when she shuts down, I have to be the one to get place on the back burner.
Now I see us getting better, however as long as there is no intimacy involved….
Quote: She broke her back at work, was bed ridden for 6 years, had 4 spinal surgeries. I had to work 3 jobs to keep up with the meds, and bills, she had to go into detox, we got into financial trouble, almost lost everything and while all of this was going on, we had a young daughter to take care of. Oh, another thing, her father is also on death’s door.
SIX YEARS! FOUR SURGERIES! THREE JOBS! Ohmigod...
Oh, honey... this is so much to be dealing with (((major hugs)))... I'm hurting for both of you. Sometimes life's adversities bring a couple closer together... but not always. My husband faced many health issues during our marriage and at first it did seem to bring us closer-- sort of an "us against the world" "we're gonna beat this thing." I remember one year when he was home recovering from a major surgery that left an incision all down the inside of his leg. We were home all day together for a couple of weeks and spent the whole time watching movies, eating, and having sex in a rotating cycle. I always had to re-bandage his incision after one of those bouts. Even with the medical problems, those were some sweet days.
But eventually, after 20 hospitalizations in 10 years, I know I started to pull back. The strain on both of us was enormous-- and we didn't have a child to take care of, or financial problems, or an ailing parent. You two have a lot on your plate and you're going to need to take very tiny bites.
Baby, be easy on both of you. I know that the sexual rejection feels like personal rejection... but keep in mind how betrayed she must feel by her body. I know my husband felt that his body had become the enemy... kidney transplant, heart attacks (2), leg amputation, hip replacement... he felt himself just slipping away.
You both have been through huge trauma and have much grieving, sadness, disappointment, broken dreams, and not least: anger to deal with.
I suggest some kind of counseling for you to start... to help you express some of your feelings in a neutral caring atmosphere. I'm not suggesting you first because it's YOUR fault or YOUR problem or that YOU'RE broken or defective in some way. Ultimately a really compassionate therapist would help her, too, but since your W has been through so many medical traumas already, to suggest to her that she go to yet another "medical" practitioner would not be well-received. You go first, then ask her later.
These are huge issues you're dealing with. Your W is probably experiencing some kind of Post Traumatic Stress... just a guess. You might google on that term and see what you get.
You might search for some recent threads by StevenNSF. There was some conversation there about the impact of serious health issues on intimacy.
It's not selfish of you to have "needs," but I think in your heart you know that there is a Big Picture to consider... from your pov it probably looks like "we got through it all, now it's time for us to come together and celebrate our survival," but she may not have processed the terror, anger, betrayal of her body, grief, sadness yet.
Edited to add: I just reread your original post and I see that she is in counseling. Three months is not very long, so be patient. I feel that she has shut down with you because it is safe to do so. That shows a lot of trust on her part. You have to trust someone a lot to show that much hurt-- and she has a LOT to be hurting over (that isn't about you). Are you in counseling? You need someone to be there for YOU. You need someplace to go and talk where YOUR well being is the highest priority. Your W cannot handle that responsibility at the moment. Just keep the connection open between you and her. This will take time.
First off Hube, you guys have a load of things that would sink many couples. I admire what you have done.
About the her father, Hospice organizations will help most people with emotional, financial, and people support in many locations. Give them a call and see what they have to say.
Thanks for the major hugs! I do understand what you are saying and I agree. We started off seeing in counseling separately and now we are going together. We do in fact spend a lot of time talking about the past and it does help both of us. I also know that by my wife shutting down on me shows a lot and the therapist even says so. In fact, my wife said that there is no one else that she loves more or trusts more then me.
Having said all of that, I do love her and it’s just hard. I too have feelings, wants and needs. How long do I have to be the one to be kept on the side line before my needs and at least started to be meet? Another 3 months, 6 months, a year???? When I married her, I meant forever and through the good times and bad, however I need to have some kind of intimacy with my wife……
As far as her father goes, I don’t believe that someone should die alone. My wife is an RN and I’m a Firefighter/paramedic. Between the two of us, we can take care of him until it becomes too much. Lou, I think at that time we would use hospice. I just fear that this will put yet another wedge between us. My wife says it will not and that we will have that side of our relationship back again. I just don’t know when……
I understand the trauma that she has been through, it just doesn’t make it any easier. I have to do something, however I just don’t know what…..
Another thing I just can't understand is why won't she even try to make love or at least be intimate with me? At some point in time we need to start...
Quote: How long do I have to be the one to be kept on the side line before my needs and at least started to be meet? Another 3 months, 6 months, a year????
Maybe it will be that long...
Look for a book called Peace Between the Sheets, which talks about getting closer in a physically erotic way that may feel less threatening to your wife. There was a big thread on it here on this board started by Corri. Don't have time to search for it now. If you have a fast computer, you might search on this site for that title and look for a long thread by Corri.
Look for this book on amazon and read the reviews. It's a place to start.
, and we love-- and need-- DETAILS. 
Even with the medical problems, those were some sweet days.