The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[Aud31]

No 2x4s tonight hon--just hugs and love.

[Ophelia]

*hugs* I know they're not the kind you crave, and I know I'm just a stranger on the other side of the world, but I hope you'll accept them anyway.

A couple of months back, I told H that I missed kissing him. He said that as far as he was concerned, our kisses were nothing more than handshakes, and he didn't miss them at all. I feel your pain, BI.

[MuddleThrough]

My god, BI, I can so relate to what you're feeling. Especially wanting touch. I continue to choose to focus on what I can do rather than what I want, but it's hard not to get despondent because of what I'm not getting (anything. at. all.) and spin downward into depression. I really feel for you. (((((((BI)))))))

Don't give up on yourself.

[Mamabear]

BI,
Does your H know how you feel? Has he read your last post?
What you wrote would melt anyone's heart, even if just a little.

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks friends. I am so glad you came by. Muddle, I would marry you in another life, you are so wise and encouraging - besides knowing how I feel.

Mama, H actually came upstairs while I was recovering from my sob-fest and surprised me. He was almost infuriated at my crying. That he walks around this house as a constant disappointment to me. That I'm 'playing the victim'. That I did a lot of damage to push him away, and he's protecting himself, and doesn't trust me to cycle back into crazymaking behavior at some unknown point in the future. That I have to quit focusing on what I'm not getting, and work on my issues of problems with authority, problems with men, problems with having to win every argument. There will be no improvement in our M until I get my own sh!t together, and 3 sessions alone with the C and I'm expecting him to jump back into the unknown and make all the effort. That I talk about what I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

All his words obviously. He has some points, but man, is he ever pissed when he starts talking about it. Lots of anger previously stuffed on his part now coming out. I have to ride it out, but sometimes (i.e. last night) I break emotionally. And I tried not to get pissy and defensive, but did a smidge. Baby steps to a new me. I did make the point that, hello, I was up here crying alone and not making a show of it and he never comes back upstairs and surprised me. As a side note, he had come upstairs to tell me he sent me a funny video and had I watched it yet? And after the discussion was in it's denoument, he said that I was the first person he thought of to send it to (making the counterpoint that he DID care about me, blah blah, just not like how I wanted him to), which was nice to hear, even in the midst of the bad convo. b/c I don't feel reassured/affirmed much at all on a regular basis. But again, it needs to stop being all about me and what I'm not getting, etc.

whatever. heavy sigh. i need to get myself back in some books about anger, and changing the 'dance' we do in communication b/c we seem to keep having the same @#$% arguments/discussions with the same unsatisfactory resolution for both of us. ugh.

Anyway, Mama, if you're asking if H read the weeping post I made last night, no. I didn't put it on the blog. I may take pieces of it and put it up in another context, but that whole sobbing, poor me post was a bit much to put on the blog, I decided.

Thank you again for stopping in. I read everyone's threads that I started with (and some new ones, but I just can't keep up with all the new people here) but don't post on my own as much as I used to. Just trying to digest my own situation and praying, and reading.

[MuddleThrough]

Muddle, I would marry you in another life, you are so wise and encouraging - besides knowing how I feel.

- A second pseudo-proposal from such an amazing woman!!! I'm so not worthy of your compliments - but rather your comments reflect these wonderful things about you.

Anyway, I think the latest with your H shows promise. My W is angry at me for the same things, it's kind of surprising. And I haven't been expressing any of how I feel regarding the affair to her. I think it's just how our position looks from the other side. It's like sitting on opposite banks of a river making assumptions about what's going on with the other. You don't know, and can't know. In fact, the only way to share is to both get in the water and share your experience. He feels bad. He sees you playing the victim - he's doing the same, it's just that he's victimizing himself over something different than you are. He doesn't trust himself anymore than he trusts you. It's not you, it's him. He's right though, you do have to look to yourself, but because you want to, because you know you'll be better off, not because you're afraid that if you don't, he'll walk. At least you're arguing - it shows you both care. I'm sure he's noticing your progress, even if he doesn't tell you. It's good that he's sharing his anger with you. He's connecting with you, choosing to jump into turbulent water, unsure how deep it is, or what's in there too. Don't leave him in there alone.

[cat03]

to begin with I don't think men handle tears very well, it's either a sign ( to lots of them) of manipulation or disatisfaction)

Hugs hon)))))

I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

And I just know you want to cry out "BUT I DO, and AM trying!!", and as much as I try to show my H I respected him he actually told him I still disrespect him, how? I dont' know. Guess we (men/women) have a different definition of what being respected means.

Anyways, came over to see how you were doing, you are in my prayers friend)))))

[Mamabear]

That I talk about what I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

Ok BI, this is huge. Let's focus on this, shall we? (BTW, I am to blame for this as well) Starting today the pity party is over. We could all play the victim role until we win an oscar but is that how we want to live?

I see your H as someone who is still trying, he is still there even though you both talked of seperating after X-Mas. Stop all of the descructive behavior so that he stays there. As far as his anger, well I think he is mostly angry at himself and he is projecting that onto you, just let him vent and don't argue back.

I'm not that good with advice so I would suggest that you send out an S.O.S. to people like Underdog (she advised me to read "The Dance of Anger"), Grasshopper and/or Oldtimer.

P.S. In your defense, the fact that you work so much - to the point of exhaustion - doesn't help your emotional state much. Take it easy on yourself

[imLIN]

I will chime in on this....my H told me I didn't respect him when I felt I did very much....also that I didn't care what he cared about....which in someways might be correct but that is a two-way street in all fairness...

But I want to share this with you from a friend/work mate of mine....she has never been to this site and knows nothing of it...

She told me that about 10 years ago her husband wanted to divorce her...he actually did file...she stayed and didn't fight him...she showed kindness all the time while he showed her how much he was hating her....

She continued to fix good dinners and offer them to him....he would decline saying he wasn't hungry...she would just say "That's okay because I am starving!"...at the end of the meal she would announce how stuft she was and how good the dinner was...

She prayed all the time because it was hard to go home to someone she felt hated her, to get into bed with someone she felt loathed her presence....yet she did....and she ignored his moods...and just kept acting happy...

One day...about a year later she had made dinner and was eating it after offering him some...he looked at it and said that it smelled good....she said he could have some if he wanted....then before long he would sit on the couch and put his legs on her lap....she would think "Oh God, he is touching me....maybe he is starting to LIKE me again?"

Now they have a wonderful marriage...there are always troubles but she takes them in stride...she allows him to be the man....the head of the house....and she shows her respect of him and love to him often....

So...even someone who doesn't know about DB....used the same techniques and busted her divorce!!!....BTW...he did stop the proceedings before the divorce was final!

So just remember when you really just want to KILL them...kill them with kindness instead and no matter what they do....be as kind as you possibly can....and pray, pray, pray

[Aud31]

That's great for all of us to hear ImLIN. Thanks. BI--hope you're hanging in there.