The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks friends. I am so glad you came by. Muddle, I would marry you in another life, you are so wise and encouraging - besides knowing how I feel.

Mama, H actually came upstairs while I was recovering from my sob-fest and surprised me. He was almost infuriated at my crying. That he walks around this house as a constant disappointment to me. That I'm 'playing the victim'. That I did a lot of damage to push him away, and he's protecting himself, and doesn't trust me to cycle back into crazymaking behavior at some unknown point in the future. That I have to quit focusing on what I'm not getting, and work on my issues of problems with authority, problems with men, problems with having to win every argument. There will be no improvement in our M until I get my own sh!t together, and 3 sessions alone with the C and I'm expecting him to jump back into the unknown and make all the effort. That I talk about what I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

All his words obviously. He has some points, but man, is he ever pissed when he starts talking about it. Lots of anger previously stuffed on his part now coming out. I have to ride it out, but sometimes (i.e. last night) I break emotionally. And I tried not to get pissy and defensive, but did a smidge. Baby steps to a new me. I did make the point that, hello, I was up here crying alone and not making a show of it and he never comes back upstairs and surprised me. As a side note, he had come upstairs to tell me he sent me a funny video and had I watched it yet? And after the discussion was in it's denoument, he said that I was the first person he thought of to send it to (making the counterpoint that he DID care about me, blah blah, just not like how I wanted him to), which was nice to hear, even in the midst of the bad convo. b/c I don't feel reassured/affirmed much at all on a regular basis. But again, it needs to stop being all about me and what I'm not getting, etc.

whatever. heavy sigh. i need to get myself back in some books about anger, and changing the 'dance' we do in communication b/c we seem to keep having the same @#$% arguments/discussions with the same unsatisfactory resolution for both of us. ugh.

Anyway, Mama, if you're asking if H read the weeping post I made last night, no. I didn't put it on the blog. I may take pieces of it and put it up in another context, but that whole sobbing, poor me post was a bit much to put on the blog, I decided.

Thank you again for stopping in. I read everyone's threads that I started with (and some new ones, but I just can't keep up with all the new people here) but don't post on my own as much as I used to. Just trying to digest my own situation and praying, and reading.