Okay. I was going to post this on the blog, but it's just a whiny crying sobbing vent-type thing, probably of no use there. But I wanted to dump it somewhere since I just sobbed over the damned thing. So lucky ya'll, here's my crybaby post. Just had to get it out. No 2x4's please, I appreciate how self absorbed it is. ======= Silent Tears. Now Showing Nightly.
I am weary of crying myself to sleep alone. I'm tired of being at work so much. I miss my kids. I miss having a life. A real one, with laughter, and flirting, and silent smiling smiling eye contact, and touch. OMgosh, ya'll, I physically ache from Touch Withdrawl. It may be a true medical condition with me. I'm tired of hugging myself in bed at night so I don't fly apart. I'm so sad. I need to increase my meds. I want to be something more than someone's pain in the ass.
I know a lot of sh!t is my fault. I know it. But I'm tired of being so alone. Unloved. So, so tired. Just a bad night, long hours at work, not enough sleep. I'm sure people pay good money for the salty facials I give myself at night with my tears. I can't even see the fcuking monitor. A glance at his lower back in passing makes my heart hurt. I want to kiss the muscles in his arms. I want him to want my skin touching his. He does not. He may never want it again. I am blessed to get a foot touching mine in the late night when he returns to bed. I am not being facetious. I am blessed to have it. I love to feel his skin, and if that is all I get -so be it. I am just sad.
We live a life of halves. Our clean laundry barely touches in the basket. His side. My side. I want it all mixed up together. He separates it. So I do, too. I smell his shirts before they go in the washing machine. I cannot even imagine him doing something like that. I am relational; I need the connection. He is an island. How did we ever fall so madly in love years ago? Why am I the only one still madly in love with the smell and sight of him?
I see others light up when I walk in. He doesn't. Other people used to comment about how I would light up when I saw him. Did he ever notice that? Does it matter now?
Save a place for me Save a space for me In your heart In your heart -Tracy Chapman
You break me open -Jars of Clay
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. ~~ Thomas Jefferson
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
