Hi BI, I am so sorry that you are getting nothing from your H. I know how bad that sucks, how bad you just want to be held and told everything will be allright. I am doing that for you, even if it isn't physical touch, I feel your pain.
I'm going to share something that happened to me a couple of nights ago. H and I basically are getting along very well except for intimacy, which is in part due to lack of time and privacy from the kids. Sunday night he went up to bed and I kissed him goodnight and told him that I wished we had some alone time since we hadn't ML since October. He got a little cranky and said "instead of lecturing me and talking about it why don't you DO something." Well, it kind of pissed me off since in my mind I thought I was doing something. Unfortunately S5 had already crawled into our bed for the 2nd time so doing something at that minute didn't work out.
I know over Christmas you tried to get close to your H and he rejected you. Can you try again? Maybe reach out and touch his hand. If I were you, I wouldn't bring up the seperation. It is not what you want, is it?
Hey honey, sending hugs your way, I'm so glad you guys a financial break for now, it's so hard living paycheck by paycheck and checking your banck acct. every day (I 'd be dead w/out online banking, the overdraft fees I was able to reverse!). Even though my H hasn't said ILY but once and texted it once, I still work hard at giving love without expecting him to say ILY back, I'll say it' cause I feel it and not to expect anything out of him.
You WILL be stronger through this trial, believe it BI, you will hang on harder to the Lord and have Him fulfill the affection your H is unable to give, it seems like he still isnt' even able to love himself yet, so he can't give you much now honey.
Hugs)))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Working on VERY little sleep, OMGosh I am too old for this crap. Anyway, found this by AmyC and had to put it RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, in lieu of tattoo-ing the damned thing on my skin. I NEED to remember this daily (hourly).
Quote: Here's an exercise for you. Whenever ANY negative thoughts come into your head, start thanking God immediately that He is at work in your life RIGHT NOW and none of this is any surprise to Him. And even knowing all that would lead you here, He has provided a way. Ask Him to lead you to it. Just praise Him. Where you can't see a way, thank God He sent The Waymaker.
No great updates now but I lurk (and post a bit) on all your threads. Will be back in the groove here as soon as I can. Thanks Mama and Cat for resurrecting my thread from the archives today :::smooch:::
I can so relate (read your blog).....my husband stopped loving me...prayed for that to change...had an affair...left me....and is now home....he wants to love me...(when he has relapsed and gotten stinking drunk he admits he loves me, that I am the most wonderful woman in the world and he loves me with all his heart)...but he can't tell me that he loves me....he takes care of me because it is his husbandly obligation (that makes me feel so good )....he is here because he wants his family back together...because that is the right thing to do...
But it hurts to love someone so deeply and have them right there...and not get that feeling of love in return....he says be patient...so I am ....he has a lot of issues....so I keep trying to understand....
I understand the weight of the world...I am holding my own world in my hands right now...and it is getting very heavy...
BI--it sounds like you're hanging on. I am proud of you! I know it hurts so badly, but I also know that strength and blessings come even in our trials.
BI, I've just read through your whole thread. I can see now why you gave me the advice you did over in my thread. I think we're probably alot a like, and in similar situations. I'll pray for us both!
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Okay. I was going to post this on the blog, but it's just a whiny crying sobbing vent-type thing, probably of no use there. But I wanted to dump it somewhere since I just sobbed over the damned thing. So lucky ya'll, here's my crybaby post. Just had to get it out. No 2x4's please, I appreciate how self absorbed it is. ======= Silent Tears. Now Showing Nightly.
I am weary of crying myself to sleep alone. I'm tired of being at work so much. I miss my kids. I miss having a life. A real one, with laughter, and flirting, and silent smiling smiling eye contact, and touch. OMgosh, ya'll, I physically ache from Touch Withdrawl. It may be a true medical condition with me. I'm tired of hugging myself in bed at night so I don't fly apart. I'm so sad. I need to increase my meds. I want to be something more than someone's pain in the ass.
I know a lot of sh!t is my fault. I know it. But I'm tired of being so alone. Unloved. So, so tired. Just a bad night, long hours at work, not enough sleep. I'm sure people pay good money for the salty facials I give myself at night with my tears. I can't even see the fcuking monitor. A glance at his lower back in passing makes my heart hurt. I want to kiss the muscles in his arms. I want him to want my skin touching his. He does not. He may never want it again. I am blessed to get a foot touching mine in the late night when he returns to bed. I am not being facetious. I am blessed to have it. I love to feel his skin, and if that is all I get -so be it. I am just sad.
We live a life of halves. Our clean laundry barely touches in the basket. His side. My side. I want it all mixed up together. He separates it. So I do, too. I smell his shirts before they go in the washing machine. I cannot even imagine him doing something like that. I am relational; I need the connection. He is an island. How did we ever fall so madly in love years ago? Why am I the only one still madly in love with the smell and sight of him?
I see others light up when I walk in. He doesn't. Other people used to comment about how I would light up when I saw him. Did he ever notice that? Does it matter now?
Save a place for me Save a space for me In your heart In your heart -Tracy Chapman
You break me open -Jars of Clay
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. ~~ Thomas Jefferson
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
)....he is here because he wants his family back together...because that is the right thing to do...