hey toots, sending hugs))))) I second your idea of putting this horrible year behind us !!!
I'm also thankful for everyone who's shared their pain and wisdom, thus allowing others to heal and learn, God bless you all, you were all in my prayers))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Bab Girl....sending you LOTS of hugs. Reading your last, long post was so overwhelming. I hope things have eased a little. One thing at a time.
I am so sorry. This too shall pass.
You are wonderful, I admire you so much.
My best for a wonderful 2007 for you and your family.....no matter the dynamic. Perhaps a separation is best....the very thing you resist most ends up being the door to open it.
Thank you my friends. Long holiday, some at the inlaws (not the horror show of Thanksgiving, thank God), and working overtime, so not a lot of time for lengthy pontificating. No lyrics in a while, so here's a song courtesy of my H. He sent me this email a few nights ago:
Quote: The lyrics to the Adam Again song "River on Fire." While not completely relevant to you and I, it is the saddest song I have ever heard.
NOTE: the Cuyahoga River runs through Cleveland and, at one time, was so polluted that it caught on fire. In this song, its just an image of the impossible coming true. I think Gene Eugene (the songwriter) was drawing a parallel to the pollution in a marriage which leads to irreconcilable differences; the point at which it's just too volitile to do anything but catch fire and burn.
what would you say if you knew what i was thinking? maybe you do but you know not to dig too deep what if i knew what you needed for sure? i've seen in your eyes you need more, much more
and i could be happy, and you could be miserable i'll grab a metaphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
what can you say, the impossible happens what can you settle for? what can you live without? i remember the night i first darkened your door and i swore that i loved you my heart was pure
you could be happy and i could be miserable i'll grab a metphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
my open window, a dream in the dark my fingers, your face a spark, a trace i could be happy and you could be miserable i'll grab a metaphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
i know a lot about the history of cleveland, ohio disasters that have happened there like the cuyahoga river on fire
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I just read your posts on your blog and though I have no idea how things are going for you right now, I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the deep emotions expressed by your H. Even if it's just through email, he's giving you some real glimpses into his soul.
Hi Aud, thanks for dropping in. I really appreciate a kind word right now so smooches to all who pop in to say 'hi'.
I'm working too many night shifts to compose a good post here, although I have notes I'm working on so I don't forget anything.
Did want to copy part of a GREAT post by Lights to AmyC in the Separated forum. So insightful, and relevant to me as well:
Quote: I think that while curbing our selfishness in actions (and venting here first) is an important first step in this very critical step of growing up, that the next big quantum leap is to never (or at least rarely) feel bratty feelings in the first place. This is hard work- and I am hardly there either. But the more I focus on it and try, I can see good results. For example, while I never have been an "angry" hot-tempered person- I did get far angrier at other drivers than the occasions warranted. I always thought it was very unattractive when others did so, and yet I still behaved similarly myself. Somehow, I have stamped that out. I first try to see their side of it, and realize that many times I was being almost as "jerky" as they were. Or I just calmly swerve to avoid a collision (still use the horn, but only rarely, and only to avoid a collision, not as a way to communicate to them: "ya big A-hole!") and then just let it go/don't really think about it. Another example- I was bitten badly by a dog while running in the park by my house soon after my P left. I love animals and dogs, but after that, I would get so full of rage when owners let their dogs run free despite the leash law and let them come bounding, sometimes growling, up to me. I now realize that was a rare incident, and most dogs are sweet. I also know dogs need to run around free and love it so much. I also see a need for a leash law, and realize I only have so much energy for life's battles- and this is not one I choose to engage in. Now, when dogs come bounding up to me, I smile at them and say "Hey pup" and their owners smile back. So much more pleasant and peaceful than scowling at the pup and the owner, or worse, snapping at them about the leash law.
I'm not sure how much value there is to realizing WHY I sometimes behave badly- such as interrupting people more than I should (which is almost never) because my family of origin does this to a maddening degree. I think it is far more important to just identify the bad behaviors (which you have done beautifully) and then work hard (somehow? by soulful introspection? reading? praying? practicing?) to eliminate them. I believe that by gradually eliminating angry and selfish, nonlistening, defensive, and other bad behaviors, that eventually those demons will be eradicated from our being altogether. And this is "growing up" at its ultimate finest.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: So, I'm driving the kids to school the other morning.
The way to school is a through a national park highway (part of it seen in this photo here), and early on some mornings it is very foggy, like smoke soup. It's a winding road, no street lights or signs; just woods, mountains, and occasional deer.
This particular morning it's a "fog storm," as my son calls it. Very whitish-gray and almost zero visibility in some areas, but I haven't noticed because I'm used to these occasions and keep my focus on the double-yellow line in the center of the road.
Then from the backseat, my daughter announces, "I can't see a thing!" and I look up and realize, dude. It's pretty scary when you look up at the fog. The road is invisible, has no edges, I can't see jack, I can't even see the space in front of the car. But my focus has been on the center line which guides me just fine until the turnoff exit toward school.
And right in that moment I realized: this morning was a microcosm for my life. I can't see a thing, man, and if I look around I will start to panic that I may drive off a cliff. But if I stay focused on trusting God (my center line), I don't even notice the scary stuff and I can drive well in an otherwise precarious situation.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Very interesting... In a way, everyone's life is like that, even if their marriage isn't in crisis. No one knows what the future holds for them but if they following the line, with integrity, self-respect and unconditional love things will be ok.
Also wanted to share a nice tidbit from my quarterly booklet. About how "God was with him" meaning Joseph, when he was in jail for about 3 years. IN JAIL, meaning that in this live we have to go through so much, but we can still have God's peace with us, the only kind of peace that matters.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm at work right now, slow this minute (knocking wood). This is my 4th night in a row, and after 2 in a row I get exhausted and emotional. Not a good combination. I took my eyes off the center line and I'm looking around tonight at my scary fog, and it makes me unbelievably untethered. I've been fighting tears since about 10pm. Sucks.
Talked to H from work tonight, and during the regular conversation I just said, "I miss you a little bit" while talking about how I'm missing the kids b/c I'm sleeping all day and working so many in a row. And he said, "thank you" and nothing back. Nothing. More nothing. And can I have another helping of NOTHING, please? I didn't say anything about it, but it just sent me over the sleep-deprived, emotional EDGE tonight.
We're going to talk in another few nights, when I'm finally off for a day, and see where we are, and if we're going to go anywhere. Our money situation is going to get a temporary boost from one of H's clients for the next 4 months, so I'm curious to see if that's enough for him to feel okay about separating - if that's what he wants, etc. that we may actually have the $ for a studio apt. that we would split time in, while the kids stay here in the house. Obviously a temporary solution while the kids transition, but one we spoke of a few months ago.
And, I may be putting my cart before my horse, but I'm getting ZERO from this man where I need it most. Haven't heard ILY in...over a year, maybe? ... not ML since July.... WTF am I doing here, working myself to death?
Just venting. I am SO tired. I am so weary. I am so hungry for someone to touch me in a loving manner. So sad today.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
