It's been a week since I've posted; so hard to get thru all this stuff (and the thought of rehashing it in my tee-tiny spare time just depressed me)...
H has quit MC, and now our MC has turned into my IC. I knew H would chew on that 'grief work' stuff and consider it irrelevant. I kind of did too, as we have both worked thru our parental/childhood crap ad nauseum, and I wanted more SBT this go-round (which, up to now, I thought we were getting in MC for the most part).
Yet I mentioned my reluctance in the MC session, and H always agrees to everything in MC and then realizes later he doesn't agree (other example: the Action Plan of several months ago that went nowhere).
The grief work he hadn't done was his anger toward ME, and that started to come out on the eve before our MC session scheduled for this week. He called me while he was out and told me to cancel the MC -that he was not going to be subjected to more finger-pointing, especially this week (anniversary of the affair and firing), and that no one realizes that our M was in a bad place pre-A, and that everyone only looks at him and sees the A and me as its victim.
He ended up yelling in his frustration, and I sat on the other end of the phone nodding my head b/c I really have been waiting (in the back of my mind) for this outburst. And I do feel it is righteous anger, not malicious or uncalled for anger. He's been so shamed over his A, that I think he didn't feel he was ALLOWED to be mad at me for turning him in to his boss and losing his job. Yes, he had the A, which is why he lost his job, and he cops to that, but I also betrayed him by turning him in before it even became physical and not going to him first.
And our financial situation is HORRIBLE (more in a minute). So he vented on the phone as he was driving home, and when he got home, we stayed up and talked about it some more. He is done with MC, until such a time as he deems it something he wants to work on.
He cannot trust that, although I have been 'fine' for 2 weeks, that when a sticky, threatening-to-me situation arises at some point that I will not revert to my vicious-to-him self in another 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. He doesn't trust that I can change, as this cycle has been ongoing for many years. He is right. I do NOT disagree with where he's coming from. Had he treated me like I have him, I would have left long ago.
I validated him, and agreed that there are no words that I could possibly say that would change his mind, as I've said words before and nothing changed. That I would not be making any excuses or justifications for my past behaviors, and that if he could not stay in this M, I understood but did want to stay M to him.
So the next day, I go to C alone and even our C agreed that I had to get okay with my stuff with or without my H/M. So we're starting the process, and talked mostly about me. I was very careful not to make it a H-bashing session, which I could have easily done. It was about me and my stuff, my R with my kids, my parallels to my mother that frighten me, etc.
I came home from C, and H was there and asked me about it. I told him, and he seemed quite pleased about the content of the session and thanked me several times for going and he knows it's going to be hard, etc. I go back on Tuesday for the last C before Christmas.
Fast forward to last night. Our finances, I have alluded to several times, are in the toilet due to our sudden loss of income last year. I returned to work, but the lag time between jobs and the lesser income I make has forced us to charge up the CC's and go thru our retirement money.
Creditors are calling non-stop, and to make a long story short, we were going to do a debt-settlement thing, where a company settles your debt with each company and you pay them for years at a lesser payment, and your credit is screwed for a long time. Well, we didn't sign the agreement (found out some things that made us uncomfortable, and found a different company we wanted to go with) and sent them a certified letter that we wanted to back out, and put a stop payment on our bank account so they couldn't draw the first large up-front payment out. Well, long story short, they took the money out of our account - our stop-payment apparently didn't work/wasn't instituted in time, and we are dead broke and auto-payments are going to come out of our already negative account and completely screw us more. Plus, none of our creditors have been paid and we're a month+ behind b/c of this process. Whee!
SO.
I come home from a verrrry hard 12-hour day at work to a completely despondent H who just found out all that stuff yesterday while I was gone. He is on the sofa with a stone face, saying we're screwed, we will never recover financially, we're going to have to file bkrptcy and sell the house eventually, God is punishing him for his wrong decisions just like his parents always punished him for them, he has ruined our lives, our children's lives, he can't look them in the face, etc etc.
I vainly attempted to comfort, knowing that he didn't maliciously make any wrong decisions, I would have done the same thing, it seemed like a good idea. The children are so much happier this year having him home with them, etc. I went over and hugged him, just to give him some physical reassurance but it was like hugging a mannequin. I expected that, and kept my arms around him anyway.
He left for a drive b/c he was so upset and had been looking at the children's faces all day and couldn't take it. Came back not long after and said: ironically, we don't have enough gas for a drive and no money to get more.
It gets worse.
He comes to bed around 3am and has BROKEN HIS NOSE. He tripped going down the basement stairs and fell face first on the concrete (unfinished bsmnt). Blood everywhere, cut on his nose, he re-aligned the nose, in a lot of pain, OMGosh how much worse could it get? (plus, our two kids are sick) I want to get him seen medically but we CAN'T AFFORD IT. ugh.
Please pray for H's fracture to be uncomplicated; I keep checking him this a.m. to make sure he's still breathing okay (worried about a posterior bleed), and that God would stop the emotional bleeding here. I still have my peace, for some odd reason (am I just in denial?), no matter what. I know God doesn't want this for us, I just keep wondering what we're supposed to learn here exactly. And poor H. What kind of additional brokenness does the Lord require before we see the end of the tunnel?
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I found this post on a blog I stumbled across, and thought it was really well-written:
I cannot deny that I have yet to be honest about the demons that rage inside of my mind, but it is difficult.
My mind is like a giant white wall that has been vandalized with all sorts of gross graffiti, and God has given me more than enough paintbrushes and paint to restore it. I paint, and paint, but then I get tired... and weep to my friends: "this wall is dirty, and it used to be white!" They tell me: "take those paintbrushes and fix it then." I know that they are right, and I know how to do it... it just takes a lot of time and labor. I like to go visit my friends with white walls and pretend that I've finished cleaning mine, and that I'm just like them. But it's a lie, and every time I go back to look at it, I want to weep again.
So, here I am... called to take up the brush once more. Wretched, but not yet rendered useless.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi BI, Thanks for checking in on me. Just so you know you are not alone... Last year I used to watch kids out of our house. Once I found out about H's A I was completely crushed and became sad and despondent. I was worthless to my own kids yet alone the kids I was paid to take care of so I quit. All the while my H was charging up the cards with all his going out. Then I started charging things like groceries, etc. because we had no cash. Fast forward to now and we have one hell of a mountain of debt. We have been trying to do a debt consolidation since Oct. and have been getting the royal run around from this company. Discover calls about every 30 minutes, ugh....
All this adds to the pressure of trying to rebuild our marriage. Strangley I am ok too, maybe in denial as well, but I trust that everything will eventually work out.
sweetheart, I'm so sorry this is happening now)))))))))))) you will be in my prayers at every change I get to pray. I'm also w/a few cc loaded with stuff, I even used the ccs I cut! I pray God provides for you to pay, and if not, even if you have to sell your house, that in the long run you get back on your feet. My cousin had to sell her place too, after her H got them deep in debt thought his A, and after 2yrs of living in an appartment they got a nicer place than before, it happened on God's timing, not hers, hang in there my friend))))
I know we women rely so much on physical touch, and we would like to be held when we feel bad, remember that men don't think that way, that isn't the way they feel comforted, so don't feel bad when he doesn't respond to your hugs.
One day at a time BI, one day at a time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Haven't been here in several days, and thought I'd copy yesterday's blog post here to update you a little. I got some really insightful comments on this post, I was impressed and encouraged by it.
The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. Romans 13:12 (Msg)
...so I got that going for me...
I've been running too hard on my hamster wheel, of work and to-do lists, to take the time to compose a thorough post about what's up over here in Stepford. I have missed having that 'mulling over' time, which is now reserved for the 10 minutes listening to my iPod plugged into my car radio on the way to work and back. Lots of overtime the last few weeks, so lots of 10-minute mulling sessioins.
It's 50-50 (or more?) that we will be separating after the holidays, but that discussion won't be finalized until we're done making merry here at Christmas. I hope we do not, but I don't have a leg to stand on anymore. Just call me Stumpy. I've just been trusting God to work it out however He sees fit. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but it does mean He will work it all for good. It's what He says that He will do. His words are true. I trust in that (sometimes reluctantly) when I get sad or concerned.
One of my co-workers got engaged over the weekend, and her fiance planned the setup for more than 4 weeks with a whole resort staff. She had photos at work today, and another coworker was looking through them, and commented "Nobody's ever loved me that much", and I felt a catch in my chest when she said it.
I was sad to hear that hidden truth slide out of her, and I thought, "I was loved once..." -even if it was not sustainable love for the long haul, it was once such a blessing. And I am grateful for what was, way back when. Even if it was not who we really were for the next 10 years, the way we started was fun, silly, and beautiful - so perhaps I'll tell that story here to remember what was good and precious before we trashed it.
B_I...sad to say I can so relate to your feelings...my H has always said I let fear rule my life....I always defended myself and denied that fear did rule my life.... he was my polar opposite....no fear....not a good combination...
The good news is I am finding my way....putting my fear on hold....something you said about your job putting things in perspective for you....I work with special kids....school bus driver so I spend about 5 hours a day with them.....I have learned to look at things differently....I have learned that things are not as bad for me as I think....that my fears really aren't that fearful....that I really need to rely on God more...and be more patient...
I could also relate and actually had my first conversation with H about MY feelings....and how I didn't want him to grovel but I did want him to "make things up to me"....I felt like he just moved back in and wanted to pick up and move forward without acknowledging all that he had put me through and how lucky he is that I am still here!!!!sound familiar???
Anyway....we talked....I listened and he listened and for the first time I think I really heard what H was saying....
And he is wayyyyyy in debt....we had to sell our home when he left....actually we were selling it because he had lost his job and had already gone through all the money we had saved....he used credit cards like gift cards...he had a good time....even had a BMW with seat warmers for a while till it got repo'd....now he is back with over $120,000 in debt....and $15,000 on me ( I was stupid and transfered it to my name to "help" him out).....so now he will file bankruptcy on HIS debt and eventually pay-off the debt he put on me....I have my half of the home sales money in the bank....he has used that against me a few times....but I stand my ground....that is so I can get another home someday....not to bail him out....he had his money....he had his fun....he told me not to spend it on living and I didn't....I got a job when he left me....with my kids we got an apartment....we built a life that we could live within....and now he is fitting in to that life...
We are making the changes....slowly....he still is afraid of me....afraid of feeling love for me.....trust for me... which like you seemes ironic to me since I am the one that remained faithful while he had an affair that totally broke my heart and almost caused me to loose my mind...it is long and ugly to say the least...
We were separated for 18 months....it has been 2 years since the A ended....and I think we are really going to make it....it really is a struggle to piece things back together....it is a hard thing to do....forgiveness was easy for me....easier then I thought....what is proving a challenge right now is letting go of the feeling that "he owes me".....
I_B....I do hope that things will work out for you and H... the biggest part of any problem is recognizing it....if H is willing....get a code word for him to say that will alert you when you start "going off"....we have a few and so far it works well...it is a gentle shake back to the real reality...not my perceived reality...
I will keep checking in....keeping you in my thoughts....hang in there
Lin, thank you for posting your story, it is always a comfort to hear from others who are further along, but have walked a similar road (A and debt). Good for you for all that you did for yourself during your S, and for keeping that money safe and not bailing your H out so he has to 'fix' his mess mostly on his own. You should be proud of yourself and I hope you have a great Christmas!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I should just merge my thread with Mamabear's in Piecing, b/c I'm constantly copying something I posted to her over here. Here's another summary of last night here in BI43-Land. ::sigh::
Quote: We had 2 friends over for dinner last night, kids put to bed early, 2 bottles of wine consumed, lots of good conversation, etc. A nice time in the midst of uncertainty.
SO.
I'm all wined-up and watching my H from across the room, wildly attracted to him as always, but not sober enough to tuck it away like normal. I was just wanting a really fab kiss from him, b/c he used to just take my breath away when he kissed me, you know? Back when he used to try to.
After friends leave and we clean up, I go to kiss him (to check the waters) and he recoiled, laughed nervously and left to do last minute shopping. I cried and went to bed.
I feel your pain, Mama. I DO. Hang on, sweetie. God does not have this for us. What He does have, I don't know, but this isn't it. We just have to grow thru it, and wait for the blessing on the other side. Easier said than lived through, I know.
Fcuking recoiled, ya'll. OMGosh, I can't even think about it long or I will come undone again. Ugh.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
This is from Whatisis' thread, and I couldn't have said it any better:
Quote: Christmas is about giving and I think that if there is anywhere that can be said to exemplify the spirit of Christmas it is right here on this BB. When people who are hurting take the time to put aside their own pain and to reach out and give to others in similar or worse situations, well, that is the spirit of Christmas!
I am so thankful for everyone here, and I pray a merry Christmas to you.
I know most of us cannot wait to see 2006 in our rearview mirrors. May God richly bless us in the new year.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Can I add a little encouragement???....*thinks she heard the go-ahead*
Well...I can't tell you how many times I longed for that kiss...I even asked one night after he brought me home from a psuedo-date (I say that because unlike our pre-marital dating it was basically "just friends")....and I will admit I had a little to drink....not over the limit though....and I flat out asked if I could have a kiss...goodnight???....anything....he made that disgusted sound....you know the one when you have just finished mopping the floor and one of the kids runs in and drips their fudgesicle all over along with a few muddy footprints just to tell you that the mail man is coming???....ok so now you know the sound he made....that was followed with a quick and very abrupt "No!"....needless to say I didn't ask again...
Now for the encouragment because I know your all reading this and thinking "Wellllll?"....well, one night we were out on another psuedo-date....of course this time I made sure he had a bit to drink....and he probably had more then he should have....but I wasn't trying to get him drunk....I think he was trying to get himself drunk...but as we stood listening to the music I said "Excuse me a minute I need to use the ladies room."....he looked me in the eyes and gave me the most passionate kiss....I almost wet my pants!!!
The interesting part is this happened not too long after my major disappointment of asking him for a kiss....and this was the opening of the door to him coming home....
I still remember THAT kiss....it was February 3rd of this year....almost 9 pm....at the Hardrock Cafe in La Jolla...Listening to a private concert with KT Tunstall...and I have just found out that one of her songs from THAT exact concert was recorded to a local radio stations new CD....so I guess you know who has to get one of those!!!....btw, KT has been nominated a Grammy this year!....
So I do hope this gives some of you who are piecing some hope....believe me when I say my husband was the King of ICE when he left me....and until pretty much that night...
