B_I...sad to say I can so relate to your feelings...my H has always said I let fear rule my life....I always defended myself and denied that fear did rule my life.... he was my polar opposite....no fear....not a good combination...
The good news is I am finding my way....putting my fear on hold....something you said about your job putting things in perspective for you....I work with special kids....school bus driver so I spend about 5 hours a day with them.....I have learned to look at things differently....I have learned that things are not as bad for me as I think....that my fears really aren't that fearful....that I really need to rely on God more...and be more patient...
I could also relate and actually had my first conversation with H about MY feelings....and how I didn't want him to grovel but I did want him to "make things up to me"....I felt like he just moved back in and wanted to pick up and move forward without acknowledging all that he had put me through and how lucky he is that I am still here!!!!sound familiar???
Anyway....we talked....I listened and he listened and for the first time I think I really heard what H was saying....
And he is wayyyyyy in debt....we had to sell our home when he left....actually we were selling it because he had lost his job and had already gone through all the money we had saved....he used credit cards like gift cards...he had a good time....even had a BMW with seat warmers for a while till it got repo'd....now he is back with over $120,000 in debt....and $15,000 on me ( I was stupid and transfered it to my name to "help" him out).....so now he will file bankruptcy on HIS debt and eventually pay-off the debt he put on me....I have my half of the home sales money in the bank....he has used that against me a few times....but I stand my ground....that is so I can get another home someday....not to bail him out....he had his money....he had his fun....he told me not to spend it on living and I didn't....I got a job when he left me....with my kids we got an apartment....we built a life that we could live within....and now he is fitting in to that life...
We are making the changes....slowly....he still is afraid of me....afraid of feeling love for me.....trust for me... which like you seemes ironic to me since I am the one that remained faithful while he had an affair that totally broke my heart and almost caused me to loose my mind...it is long and ugly to say the least...
We were separated for 18 months....it has been 2 years since the A ended....and I think we are really going to make it....it really is a struggle to piece things back together....it is a hard thing to do....forgiveness was easy for me....easier then I thought....what is proving a challenge right now is letting go of the feeling that "he owes me".....
I_B....I do hope that things will work out for you and H... the biggest part of any problem is recognizing it....if H is willing....get a code word for him to say that will alert you when you start "going off"....we have a few and so far it works well...it is a gentle shake back to the real reality...not my perceived reality...
I will keep checking in....keeping you in my thoughts....hang in there
