It's been a week since I've posted; so hard to get thru all this stuff (and the thought of rehashing it in my tee-tiny spare time just depressed me)...
H has quit MC, and now our MC has turned into my IC. I knew H would chew on that 'grief work' stuff and consider it irrelevant. I kind of did too, as we have both worked thru our parental/childhood crap ad nauseum, and I wanted more SBT this go-round (which, up to now, I thought we were getting in MC for the most part).
Yet I mentioned my reluctance in the MC session, and H always agrees to everything in MC and then realizes later he doesn't agree (other example: the Action Plan of several months ago that went nowhere).
The grief work he hadn't done was his anger toward ME, and that started to come out on the eve before our MC session scheduled for this week. He called me while he was out and told me to cancel the MC -that he was not going to be subjected to more finger-pointing, especially this week (anniversary of the affair and firing), and that no one realizes that our M was in a bad place pre-A, and that everyone only looks at him and sees the A and me as its victim.
He ended up yelling in his frustration, and I sat on the other end of the phone nodding my head b/c I really have been waiting (in the back of my mind) for this outburst. And I do feel it is righteous anger, not malicious or uncalled for anger. He's been so shamed over his A, that I think he didn't feel he was ALLOWED to be mad at me for turning him in to his boss and losing his job. Yes, he had the A, which is why he lost his job, and he cops to that, but I also betrayed him by turning him in before it even became physical and not going to him first.
And our financial situation is HORRIBLE (more in a minute). So he vented on the phone as he was driving home, and when he got home, we stayed up and talked about it some more. He is done with MC, until such a time as he deems it something he wants to work on.
He cannot trust that, although I have been 'fine' for 2 weeks, that when a sticky, threatening-to-me situation arises at some point that I will not revert to my vicious-to-him self in another 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. He doesn't trust that I can change, as this cycle has been ongoing for many years. He is right. I do NOT disagree with where he's coming from. Had he treated me like I have him, I would have left long ago.
I validated him, and agreed that there are no words that I could possibly say that would change his mind, as I've said words before and nothing changed. That I would not be making any excuses or justifications for my past behaviors, and that if he could not stay in this M, I understood but did want to stay M to him.
So the next day, I go to C alone and even our C agreed that I had to get okay with my stuff with or without my H/M. So we're starting the process, and talked mostly about me. I was very careful not to make it a H-bashing session, which I could have easily done. It was about me and my stuff, my R with my kids, my parallels to my mother that frighten me, etc.
I came home from C, and H was there and asked me about it. I told him, and he seemed quite pleased about the content of the session and thanked me several times for going and he knows it's going to be hard, etc. I go back on Tuesday for the last C before Christmas.
Fast forward to last night. Our finances, I have alluded to several times, are in the toilet due to our sudden loss of income last year. I returned to work, but the lag time between jobs and the lesser income I make has forced us to charge up the CC's and go thru our retirement money.
Creditors are calling non-stop, and to make a long story short, we were going to do a debt-settlement thing, where a company settles your debt with each company and you pay them for years at a lesser payment, and your credit is screwed for a long time. Well, we didn't sign the agreement (found out some things that made us uncomfortable, and found a different company we wanted to go with) and sent them a certified letter that we wanted to back out, and put a stop payment on our bank account so they couldn't draw the first large up-front payment out. Well, long story short, they took the money out of our account - our stop-payment apparently didn't work/wasn't instituted in time, and we are dead broke and auto-payments are going to come out of our already negative account and completely screw us more. Plus, none of our creditors have been paid and we're a month+ behind b/c of this process. Whee!
SO.
I come home from a verrrry hard 12-hour day at work to a completely despondent H who just found out all that stuff yesterday while I was gone. He is on the sofa with a stone face, saying we're screwed, we will never recover financially, we're going to have to file bkrptcy and sell the house eventually, God is punishing him for his wrong decisions just like his parents always punished him for them, he has ruined our lives, our children's lives, he can't look them in the face, etc etc.
I vainly attempted to comfort, knowing that he didn't maliciously make any wrong decisions, I would have done the same thing, it seemed like a good idea. The children are so much happier this year having him home with them, etc. I went over and hugged him, just to give him some physical reassurance but it was like hugging a mannequin. I expected that, and kept my arms around him anyway.
He left for a drive b/c he was so upset and had been looking at the children's faces all day and couldn't take it. Came back not long after and said: ironically, we don't have enough gas for a drive and no money to get more.
It gets worse.
He comes to bed around 3am and has BROKEN HIS NOSE. He tripped going down the basement stairs and fell face first on the concrete (unfinished bsmnt). Blood everywhere, cut on his nose, he re-aligned the nose, in a lot of pain, OMGosh how much worse could it get? (plus, our two kids are sick) I want to get him seen medically but we CAN'T AFFORD IT. ugh.
Please pray for H's fracture to be uncomplicated; I keep checking him this a.m. to make sure he's still breathing okay (worried about a posterior bleed), and that God would stop the emotional bleeding here. I still have my peace, for some odd reason (am I just in denial?), no matter what. I know God doesn't want this for us, I just keep wondering what we're supposed to learn here exactly. And poor H. What kind of additional brokenness does the Lord require before we see the end of the tunnel?
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
