The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[believing_isaiah43]

Hey guys,
been posting on your threads, just don't have the energy to post on mine.

To not_giving_up: this was an MC we've been seeing since springtime, not a new one, but had slacked off in the last month-ish due to me being a tantrum-throwing teenager during the month of November. sigh.

MC was okay, but not terribly revealing. I did 'fess up to all my horrible behavior (which H did not think I would do, he calls me the "beauty queen" b/c I can gloss over stuff for others, yet be a bi-otch at home with him).

H did say (as he always has) that God can intervene here, but at this point H believes it would have to be a true miracle-type of intervention.

H and MC discussed how (we're all Christians) that God esteems M, but M is not eternal, we will not be M in heaven. What's most important is our individual R's with God. That was a bit discouraging, b/c it somewhat (in my mind) reinforced that M is not the most important thing to save. But the MC than said, if there was abuse, etc. she always tells the S to get out, but that wasn't the case with us. That she has seen a lot of love and respect between us, but that each of us is walking around with unmet needs. And not that we are "holding out" on each other on purpose, we're just (so far) unable to meet those needs, but we would if we could. I reach out (turns to pursuing and nagging and b*tching and ugliness) and he builds walls around him self (turns into avoiding).

I explained my "trust me" message from God, and the peace it has given me (the 2 times since when I didn't have it, I had neglected reading the Bible, or something related, for a day or two. Scary!). H said he knew about it, but ya'll, I NEVER told him that. I haven't posted about it on the blog yet or anything. Made me wonder briefly if he'd been here reading, but he's not like me that way, so I dismissed that thought. Perhaps God told him

Anyway, I'm not terribly excited about our assignment, b/c it doesn't seem solution-based to me, and her previous ones were more current-based. BUT, she wants us to individually do "grief work" - i.e. go back and think about those who hurt us (even each other, but back to childhood, etc) and journal about it - get the primitive feelings out. H agreed to do it. I also agreed, but told her that I've been in more C sessions thru my life than I care to count and have done lots of this stuff and have a BTDT attitude about it, frankly. But that I was willing to do it.(Have I done it yet? no. Ms. Procrastination here. I doubt H has either. But our next session is this Thursday again, so we'll see)

So that was the upshot of MC. We have not discussed it ourselves since. Even when H was complaining about stuff, he would caveat it by saying "Not in the last 2 weeks, but..." b/c I have been different in the last 2 weeks thankyouverymuch. But we keep looking at the other junk. And granted, I was quite junky/downright cruel to him before the latest bomb. So he can dwell for a while. I understand.

But during the session, I didn't cry (my usual MO during difficult stuff) except teared up when I described what happened with the Trust Me message, and was calm the entire time. At peace. I even said that if H could not stay M to me, I completely understood it, and accepted my part in bringing us here. Totally owned and took responsibility for what I had done. Big 180 for Ms. Deflection. Day late, dollar short perhaps, but still a good thing.

SO.

In other news, H is out of town for the first time in, oh, a YEAR, at a contractor's seminar (he's going to take the licensure test to expand his abilities). He's only a few hours away and staying with his parents but it did give me some anxiety to have him gone (and perhaps relieved to be so) for the first time in a looooooooong time. Remember, he used to travel 4 mos. out of the year with his old job. This being-home-full-time thing is new to all of us. I was actually looking forward to the projects I would do this weekend, but the night he left I was so despondent I just laid around. Yesterday was much better, got a lot done and had fun with the kids. Today he comes home in the afternoon, and I have to clean up the mess from my 'projects' and go to the grocery store (a 180 so he won't have to) before 2pm.

Also, on Friday night (the mopey night) I was in my email and got completely sidetracked by all the emails I found between H and I in the last year. I put them all in order and read thru them. They start out quite ugly on his part (for obvious reasons )and get much better as the year progresses - although with some backtracking. Just really interesting to read, and get a Big Picture perspective on the year between us from this tiny microcosm.

I made snippets of them (a montage, if you will) and emailed them to H. Have no idea if he'll see them before he's back, but WTH. I will probably post them on the blog too, it was fun for me to grab all the positive phrases and compile them into a little 'conversation'

Okay, so there's the rambling update from moi. Thanks for those of you who follow along on this wayward journey