Thank you Muddle and Aud, so much for your kind words, and Muddle as always - your encouragement and 2x4. You are RIGHT, but wow, emotions have a stong pull when you are freaking out. Thanks. I do need to quit hovering, etc. I even started checking his email again b/c it SO freaked me out that he pulled back so fast. I quit TODAY, even though I was tempted to search to see if he started a new email acct I don't know about, etc. The snowball effect of snooping. Again, ya'll know. This does me NO good. I cannot manipulate the outcome of this in any way. I can only do what I can do for me, and be as authentic as I know how to be, while praying NONSTOP for a breakthrough.
I work night shift tonight for the first time in many, many weeks. I used to call H every night after the kids were in bed, but unless he mentions it as I leave (as before), I will not call tonight (sigh). Hate that detachment thing (on both sides of the M).
Thanks for hanging with me, guys. I sure appreciate you.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hey, watch what you say. The words you choose determine your emotions. You CHOSE to HATE back there. I know you're accepting that things aren't what they should be or what you'd like, but instead of looking to the positive in it you focused on the negative. You are SOOOOO articulate and have such a great vocabulary it's a shame you don't use it more to your benefit. Make it a two way street between your internal dialogue and your emotions rather than just describing your emotional state. It does more than that. Use it to your advantage.
Thank you, as always, for sharing with us and being receptive to our opinions. I know you're hurting and sometimes all you want is some understanding and to share the moment. Take your time, but maintain your focus. Give him his space and he'll get close again. Take care of, love and value yourself in the meantime.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks Muddle. You're so good to give me reality checks. I was put on call tonight, so I may or may not go to work after all. Sitting on the sofa with a head cold, trying to be strong in the face of no warmth. at. all. He's so cranky tonight. He's furious that I was called off work for the 3rd time this week. Long story, but the same old struggle for income, and a reminder of his 'failure'. I started to say something a minute ago and he said "don't try to make me feel better", so I said okay. and here i sit.
I just know this is not God's will, it can't be. I hope He will intervene in a big way here. For me. In me. Through me. In spite of me. That was my prayer all of last December/January, and it is now what I will pray again. for both of us. I also asked Him to be bold in my weakness. Funny how you forget all that after the enormity of the crisis wanes. Shame on me.
As H said a day or so ago, in the last R talk, it should not keep taking the End of the World to turn my head and make me want to change. I agree. Will probably do a blog post about that soon, since it stuck in my head.
I will continue to re-read your posts and good words to me. Thanks for the common sense.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
BI, I am so sorry for the sitch you find yourself in. I really don't have much advice to offer, I would just be repeating what you already know. You are in a panic right now, you need to relax, breathe deep and think about good things that happened to you today. DO NOT focus on the perceived negatives, they will just bring you down. Try to be happy (even if you are not). ((((((Cyber hugs to you)))))
Thanks Mama. Hope you'll learn from my actions to NOT act on impulse, it will backfire.
I was sleeping last night and H came to bed and although it was not monumental, he did put his hand on my leg above the covers. I'll take it. When I woke up this morning and was thinking about things, I have (temporarily) lost the panicked feeling that was debilitating me, and when I started to think of some little things I heard a voice strong in my head say "Trust Me" and I thought, okay, God. I will.
Will keep you posted. I emailed H last night about praying together again, and he agreed to, so that is nothing but good.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Still in a stable place today, thank GOD. H and I prayed together last night, and that was positive, plus he did give me a kiss goodnight before he went downstairs. All things that I previously would have whined for more, that I am now thankful for (not in a doormat kind of way, just thankful for what it is).
I posted on my blog last night and thought I'd share that here.
Quote: Saturday, December 02, 2006 It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel - - well, contrary to what Michael Stipe would have me sing, I do not feel "fine" about the end of the world as we know it.
The Husband mentioned something the other day that kept prodding me into thought. Why, he asked, does it always take the End of the World for you to realize you need to change?
Good question. Just one year ago this week he said in a long distance phone call, "I think we need to separate" and completely rocked my world and all I that knew to be solid. I realized then, at the End of the World, many of my faults in this marriage and my focus narrowed to my family; every other peripheral thing fell away. I flew across the country to fight for my husband, but I lost that battle. Partly because I wasn't entirely forthcoming, and neither was The Husband. He was physically unfaithful two days after I left, but had been emotionally unfaithful long enough. I discovered this relationship pre-sex but didn't tell him, just tried to get him to fess up on his own. He denied anything else influencing his decision to end the marriage. We both lied. We both lost. Long story, that I still hope The Husband will tell you himself. But if not, we'll go there eventually.
Yet. I still handled things poorly in many areas. Blah, blah. You've heard it all before from me, I know. My world fell to bits. Then my husband decided suddenly to stay in the marriage and broke off the affair after being knee-deep for over a month while back at home. It happened so quickly I was astounded, and sadly, unconvinced that he was truly choosing me. I wondered, is he staying because I am the one with the income now? Is he here just for the children? I could not simply rest in the fact that, number one: he made a godly decision, and number 2: I was worthy of choosing. The comparison/contrast to an invisible-to-me "perfect" woman, coupled with the all-too-many emails I had read between them (fcuking torture), on top of my basic "protect thyself" default mode from childhood...recipe for disaster. Could not see the Big Picture because I was so freaked out over the whole situation.
So, I go behind my Protect Thyself wall, and lob grenades at The Husband. For, oh, about a year. Every argument, disagreement, tough discussion, I throw something mean at him and likely bring up the affair, or something he said to her, or something he said about me to her, or - you get the idea. Never letting him crawl out of his hole, and be safe with me, because I was always verbally kicking his a$$. A walk-by knifing, he once described these verbal daggers. I completely lost perspective on how to work through this together. I kept my lifelong position of me-versus-you, rather than being a partner to him. I wonder now if I was ever one. Grenade lobbing continues, and then, oh, hello - it's the End of the World again.
The Husband is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and pretty much sick of being married to me. Again. And - again - I have a big fat revelation of my wrong-doing and want to change. See the pattern? We do, too. We're sick of it, too.
I have no good end to this post, I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head and :::splat::: them out here so they'll quit haunting me. Consider yourselves my receptacle today.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
BI, I know how bad you feel, but cut it out!!! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. So what, you f'cked up. Big deal, we all do every once in a while. We are human. Pick yourself up and start all over again, for the umpteenth time.
You want your marriage to work, I do too. Do not give up! You can do this, you are the smartest, most articulate person, come on....the pity party is over. Does your H want to be with a cry baby? No way, be the fantastic woman that you are, you are above this $hit!
Can you accept (and love) yourself as someone who made these mistakes? Can you distinguish between you and the actions you see as bad, or are you allowing your bad behavior to identify you as a whole person?
If you can accept and love you, then he can. If you can't, you can't love or accept him. No amount of self punishment will fix yourself or this. As long as you punish yourself, you are likely to punish your H when he doesn't meet your expectations. Start accepting yourself, stop punishing yourself, and your marriage WILL reflect these very positive changes.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I just reread my post from last night and I apologize for being so harsh on you. You are beating yourself up enough, you don't need me to add to it. Again, I'm sorry.
I guess I just don't like to see you feeling so defeated. I don't want you to give up. No one said this was going to be easy, it is anything but. You need to forgive yourself and start over. From what I can tell your H loves you, he is just tired and exhausted too. Maybe you both need to take a break from trying to fix things. Just enjoy each day for what it is; a blessing. Take care, Mama
