The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[osu43130]

The scary truth is, we can do AS MUCH damage w/our attitudes as our Ss did w/their As.

I second that as well as understand the whole stupid emotion thing. I just leep telling me that they are just that emotions. Emotions come and go I just have to try and keep the negative ones to myself or vent on here if I feel them getting out of hand.

[mepicurus]

I'll chime in as well too. Every time I've gotten angry (or enraged, or terrified, or depressed, or whatever) and let it affect how I interacted with my wife, the proverbial you-know-what hit the fan.

The oddest thing is that she thinks I have "control" over my emotions. If she could see what goes on when she's not around...

Anyway, I've read somewhere that Taoists think of strong emotions as the "five theives" - they basically steal away what you need to live, whether you call it energy, equinimity, or whatever.

I'm not a Taoist by nature or inclination, nor do I think that I would want to be. But we're all learning that they have a point, aren't we? And if they thought they could get a handle on things, maybe we can too.

Good luck with it.

[toughlover]

Hey, bi, sorry to hear about the trouble but that email from your H is at least a ray of hope, eh?

I am a little concerned that you don't let him make it all about you being the problem.

Sounds like you know you need to detach, act as if, and do some serious 180s...and what a great time of year to do it in.

Now just do it and Godspeed!

[*KS*Chick*]

So BI - how're things going for you??

[believing_isaiah43]

Oh, ya'll. You've been so great to me, thanks very much. It is sorely needed, your kind words.

I have felt H slipping away more each day, and I was right. We spoke briefly tonight before he went to the gym, and he's stressed, and p*ssed that he's put up with so much guilt this year. Yes, he had the A, yes, he lost his job and people turned away from him, and yes, I beat him up mercifully over it as well. He's more mad at himself, he says, but I did not treat him well after he turned away from the A and focused on our M, and he is correct. He has his own crap he takes blame for, including the A, but I have really dropped the ball in coming alongside him and making us a team instead of a me vs. you kind of R. I see all my mistakes in the rearview mirror; why can't I avoid them outright?

So. I made an appt with our MC next week and he -for the first time ever- didn't really see the point of going. We've not been to see her in several weeks. BIG red flag, but he was eventually convinced to go, although he seems quite reluctant. There is a big shift in his attitude, and he actually stated that he may be better alone for a while, (implying separating). I could feel it in my heart, as we all can, but to have it verbalized and confirmed is gut-punching.

I validated and agreed with his points, just asked him not to build a wall too soon. Dude. This is so hard. I had the gift of reconciliation in front of me and just p*ssed it away with my bad attitude of entitlement. I can feel him less and less 'engaged' each time I see him. It feels very much like the A-time, w/out the A. ouch.

Be careful what you think you want. Just b/c I rolled it around in my brain and on my tongue, I really did NOT want to end this M. but things look grim. Just waiting for my 11th-hour God to swoop in and save the day (well, praying toward that).

I have been reading Praying God's Word, and this jumped out at me tonight:
My Savior, Christ, before you healed the blind men who cried out for Your mercy, you asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" After they replied "Yes, Lord," you touched their eyes and said "According to your faith it will be done to you." (Matt 9:28-29) Father, clearly my faith impacts what You are willing to perform in my life. Please help me to believe that You are able.

Anyway, I edited the final part of my Monster blog post from Monday (yes, it actually could be longer, believe it or not) and thought I'd share the new ending with you. Thanks much for your prayers, they are so, so needed.

I pray it's God's will for us to walk boldly toward each other across our Ground Zero rubble and make a new foundation to build upon. But, again, it doesn't look good for our team.

The Lord doesn't fiddle around when he moves in a heart; He was quick and decisive each time He changed something within me. I am broken, but oddly steadfast. I know actions have consequences and, should this marriage be over, at least half of that is my fault by my actions. I thank God He forgives me and knows the end of the story. I hope it is the outcome that gives Him the most glory and is a testimony to the miracles He can do when we let Him.

Let us pray.

[believing_isaiah43]

Oh, forgot to mention that H will be reading the Monster blog post tonight so if anyone is around now, and wants to comment on the blog anonymously and rah-rah us working it out, the URL is http://instepford.blogspot.com

[cat03]

oh honey, I do hope this is just a roadblock in your way to piecing, i will for both of you hon, hang in there, please take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.

[believing_isaiah43]

I hope so too, but I am just desperately sad. Each day he is less "there', you know? Stopped even the little goodbye/goodnight kisses, and doesn't face me in bed. OMGosh, I had forgotten just how awful this hurts. I was jumping up and down about not having stuff from him, well, now it's been stripped completely bare and I would give anything to have the little bit that was there.

I am so frustrated with myself, so stunned that I am once again here in this scary-as-hell place. We don't see MC for another week, and all I can do here is pray and try not to cry in front of him. Ya'll know.

I do have other friends praying for us, I am just so, embarrassed, almost - to be back in this place a whole year later. One year ago next week, I flew across the country to try to stop him from talking D and stop the A from happening. It happened 2 days after I left. My God, that was a horrible time. I am ashamed that I am no further in my personal journey ONE FREAKING YEAR LATER. I feel like such a Loser for that, you know? So much has changed, but not where it matters. Just taking another lap around my personal Mt. Sinai. I pray I don't have 40 more years in the desert, the first 40 should have been enough. Shame on me.

Oh, I'm rambling. sorry. just coming apart at the seams, and stunned that I put myself here again.

[MuddleThrough]

Now, more than ever before, it's time to turn your attention toward yourself, your own behavior. STOP looking to him for anything. You can do this. You're letting your fear control you, and it's freezing you in place.

I'm sorry things are painful now - but I'm going to pull out the 2x4 here. You're wallowing in it, you're making it painful for yourself. Control your expectations, pull yourself together and let him pull away without you clinging to him. Let him be who he is, and he may decide that he is someone who wants to give you want you want and need. He never will decide to do this while you try and coerce it from him. You don't know what is to come, but if you continue to try and predict it you will determine it. If you believe you can do it, or you believe you can't, you're right, either way.

[Aud31]

Oh BI, I am so sorry you’re in this terrible place. I too traveled across the country to finally know for sure, and that was an experience I will never forget. Forgive, I’m working on but forget, never.

My counselor way back when I had no idea what was going on in my M once said it to me this way (and it makes much more sense now): So if he’s not available to give you what you need, how can you take care of yourself?

You have to ask this of yourself and truly dig deep for the answer. Remember the faith step? Find that courage in yourself. You can do it. You are worthy. You are loved.