The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[believing_isaiah43]

Oh, ya'll. You've been so great to me, thanks very much. It is sorely needed, your kind words.

I have felt H slipping away more each day, and I was right. We spoke briefly tonight before he went to the gym, and he's stressed, and p*ssed that he's put up with so much guilt this year. Yes, he had the A, yes, he lost his job and people turned away from him, and yes, I beat him up mercifully over it as well. He's more mad at himself, he says, but I did not treat him well after he turned away from the A and focused on our M, and he is correct. He has his own crap he takes blame for, including the A, but I have really dropped the ball in coming alongside him and making us a team instead of a me vs. you kind of R. I see all my mistakes in the rearview mirror; why can't I avoid them outright?

So. I made an appt with our MC next week and he -for the first time ever- didn't really see the point of going. We've not been to see her in several weeks. BIG red flag, but he was eventually convinced to go, although he seems quite reluctant. There is a big shift in his attitude, and he actually stated that he may be better alone for a while, (implying separating). I could feel it in my heart, as we all can, but to have it verbalized and confirmed is gut-punching.

I validated and agreed with his points, just asked him not to build a wall too soon. Dude. This is so hard. I had the gift of reconciliation in front of me and just p*ssed it away with my bad attitude of entitlement. I can feel him less and less 'engaged' each time I see him. It feels very much like the A-time, w/out the A. ouch.

Be careful what you think you want. Just b/c I rolled it around in my brain and on my tongue, I really did NOT want to end this M. but things look grim. Just waiting for my 11th-hour God to swoop in and save the day (well, praying toward that).

I have been reading Praying God's Word, and this jumped out at me tonight:
My Savior, Christ, before you healed the blind men who cried out for Your mercy, you asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" After they replied "Yes, Lord," you touched their eyes and said "According to your faith it will be done to you." (Matt 9:28-29) Father, clearly my faith impacts what You are willing to perform in my life. Please help me to believe that You are able.

Anyway, I edited the final part of my Monster blog post from Monday (yes, it actually could be longer, believe it or not) and thought I'd share the new ending with you. Thanks much for your prayers, they are so, so needed.

I pray it's God's will for us to walk boldly toward each other across our Ground Zero rubble and make a new foundation to build upon. But, again, it doesn't look good for our team.

The Lord doesn't fiddle around when he moves in a heart; He was quick and decisive each time He changed something within me. I am broken, but oddly steadfast. I know actions have consequences and, should this marriage be over, at least half of that is my fault by my actions. I thank God He forgives me and knows the end of the story. I hope it is the outcome that gives Him the most glory and is a testimony to the miracles He can do when we let Him.

Let us pray.