The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[believing_isaiah43]

Ya'll, there's a post by COG in Piecing that is SO dead-on for me. I copied and emailed it to H a few days ago:

Last night driving down the road I had a bit of a revelation. It became very clear to me where I was a few years ago.

W and I were separated, or close to it. I was standing for the M. I was willing to do anything, try anything to make it work. I had the Bible, two C's, a priest, a couple of pastor's, my kid's, virtually all of my freinds, and most of the family her's and mine, all behind me. My W was basically on an the island of self absorption, and selfishness. Nobody understood what she was doing. She was sick, depressed, really screwed up; Or so I thought?

What came clear to me yesterday was that my REAL motivation back then was myself, not my M. I wanted things back the way they were. I wanted her to love me, to serve me, to give me sex, to be nice to me, to allow me to control her, to allow me to critisize her, to allow me to judge her, to allow me to change her, to allow me to make her feel insignificant, unimportant, and below me. I wanted her to come back under my control.

What came clear to me last night, was that my W was actually the one who was standing for the M. She was not willing to settle for a pretend M, it was the real thing or nothing for her. There was no inbetween.

I hid behind my support network under the guise of righteousness, and of God's word. But I was a wolf in sheeps clothing. I just wanted my selfish and needy demands met. I wanted a slave, and I did'nt think I needed to change very much.

My W stood for M, and she stood ALONE! She's the hero in my sitch. She had the ball's to say no to shallowness and yes only to truth, depth, and honor! She would'nt settle for anything less than the real deal. I am so glad she waited for me to wake up. Our M gets more and more beautiful and fulfilling every day.

Thank you God for clearing my vision.

And I woke up to an email from H:

I agree. I read it again and can see the similarities. The question is, what
do we do now?

We seem to "play nice" when it is surface stuff and deals with everyday things
and children, but once we go beneath the surface is when the real emotions
start to stir. And those emotions, from you, have been more or less directed
at me in an extremely negative and finger-pointing way.

I want the real stuff too, not just surface nice-nice. I won't be attacked
anymore. I just can't do that. You can either deal with me on a
personal/heart level, including taking responsibility for your actions, or, you
can't. It's pretty simple. I cannot be attacked anymore. Period. It is
making me weary and killing my soul.

I really hope we can work through this. I still have a lot of hope and care
about you a great deal. What you do in the next 6 weeks will tell us a lot.

No pressure.