The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks everyone. Hope you had a good holiday. Ours was quite bad, and once again I slipped and fell (hard, and in front of his family) in my efforts to not be a complete a$$. We are now, on H's suggestion, to re-evaluate this M after the holidays (which, incidentally, is one year since this whole A exploded and ruined our lives). Suddenly the holidays are upon us, and I feel like I'm numb and it's moving so fast. Only God can change our hearts now, as well as our behavior.

H is civil, pleasant, and polite, and that's it. I at least have finally come to see this Piecing crap for the marathon that it is, ironically when it is perhaps too late. I am no longer jumping up and down like a petulant toddler demanding my needs be met. I don't expect much to be met for quite some time, as I've pushed this man to his limits and I honestly wonder if he has any warm feelings for me deep down at all.

I'm just hanging on to God's promises right now, b/c my own efforts have proved extremely hazardous to my world. Making decisions and acting based solely on my FEELINGS has been my downfall. Please learn from my mistakes (um...MamaBear...) It's impulsive and exhausting, and one of the main reasons I am staring the end of my M in the face. If I could turn back time to mid-May, and stop the slippery slope of demands, expectations, entitlements, and beating the emotional sh!t out of my H that I have done, we might be in a much better place right now. I can't believe it's been a year.

I'm just content to rest in the promises since I am crap on my own strength. The one thing I AM trying to do is exactly the OPPOSITE of most things that I want to do, i.e. my first reaction to things. H has stopped leaving me notes in the a.m. (which I loved) and stopped sending me emails at night. I made myself write him a nice, vanilla, have-a-nice-day note before I left for work.

And he went to the grocery store when I got home from work tonight; I was in the bed when he got home, and he likely wouldn't have cared if I stayed in the bed (which I wanted to do), in fact he likely expected it based on past behavior, but I made myself get up and go downstairs to help put away groceries. All with a pleasant voice/attitude, but NOT a look-at-me-give-me-brownie-points kind of expectation. I am waaaaay in the red on brownie points and don't expect my efforts to even REGISTER on his radar for some time. I just want to be consistent, and not crazy-making. And that's going to take MUCH TIME to erase my actions of the last year. I am praying for the ability to be consistent and step on my inner Drama Queen for a while.

That's a quickie update. Looking forward to reading about everyone's hopefully-better-than-mine holiday.