OK, I'm crawling out of the foxhole now. W returned and is on speaking terms with all of us. Seems a bit down but I think that's understandable. It's so strange, it's like being in an abusive or addicted family situation. You know, know one ever talks about Dad's drinking or Mom's beatings etc. Everyone just carries on "as if". My W came from a family where explosions were not uncommon. Her father was abusive to some degree and carried on a 20 year affair with another woman. MIL knew about it, stayed and worked hard at turning the kids against Dad. W was the adult in the family, looking after Mom and resenting the hell out of it (understandably). So, in reality when I look at where she came from the number of outbursts she has is rather minimal, not to dismiss the impact they have. She can say the most horrible things when in the midst of one of these tantrums. So, I am just going to carry on, knowing that I stood up to her for the sake of our children and also knowing the guilt she now carries. Can it be talked about? Not a chance! Been there, done that. She may bring it up, most likely not. What a bizarre way to live!
AT, just for the record, our family is not abusive or addictive. I used that as an example of families where this kind of "tuck things under the carpet" mentality exists. Hope I didn't confuse you, EH! W's background is certainly from an abusive family and dad did slap mom around in the early years of the M. It's a shame my W hasn't tried to come to terms with all that sh!t instead, she just sees it all as too overwhelming and carries on burying it until it rears its ugly head. Hmm, Dad had an A and Mom was poor helpless victim, guess my W is determined to be Dad not Mom!
Well, W moved back into our room last night. Nothing was said about anything. She was pleasant and attentive to the kids. That’s about all I can hope for. I have to recognize here on out that I am dealing with a child. This is a person who, as my T said, was very emotionally deprived as a child and that upbringing interferes with every R in her life. She has a job where people “need” her, she has children who “need” her and there is no room for a H to “need” her. OP has reached in and stroked that neglected child creating a dependence for both of them. W needs someone who doesn’t need but is only willing to give, OP needs someone to care for, someone to control. I can’t do anything about turning on the light in W’s head, she is in total control over this part of her life. She calls herself selfish, self-centred, unable to meet others needs, resentful yet chooses to do nothing to change it. OP accepts her as is so she’s taking that easy route. No one can ever heal the child that was damaged except herself. She must choose to make that happen. At this time, she won’t. Therefore I must continue on caring for myself and my children. I really have to try NOT to have expectations of her caring for me in any way. That is damn hard to do. But, hey, isn’t it silly to continue doing the same thing over and over and then expect different results? It’s dead and I can’t bring it back to life. I can leave the door open and continue with my life. That’s really it. She has left me but in reality she left me years ago. I will survive!
Wow, Whatis, I have to chime in again and mention that what you're talking about now resonates with me, yet again. My W's mother suffered abuse by her father, lost her mother when she was very young, was put in an orphanage, etc. My W used to talk about how she had to mother her mother - about how their roles seemed to be reversed. When W's mother divorced W's father, she looked to my W to provide support for her, not showing any concern for the young adult whose family was just ripped apart. Even now, her mother is extremely immature (drinking with "the kids" - her step children and son - to the point of throwing up fairly regularly, smoking pot, etc). I guess some of this is attributable to not having a role model to learn the role of mother (or even adult) from. She did, however, become very involved in the church, to the point of becoming a missionary and moving her family to the mission field for several years - so she has these very opposed ideas of what the role of mother should be: the good-girl church lady, and the woman who has given up her life in service and now wants to live it (it does often seem that she's trying to re-live her youth).
I think in a lot of ways this struggle between becoming good at being in a productive role in family or social situations vs. doing (or more accurately, getting) what she wants - what makes her feel good - is alive in her. And she's seen her mother do the same, sees her position in life now as something somewhat successful, yet also sees through it to some degree. She never used to look up to her mother - I know she blames her for the breakup of the family which was especially traumatic for my W -but it seems now that her agenda is supported by the choices her mother made in her life that she's not so critical anymore. Funny how beliefs change to accomodate someone's agenda.
W has often stated that she is tired of doing for everyone else - that she's tired of coming last. She feels she's been serving everyone and she has, because of her perspective, been sacrificing herself to do what's "right". With this overwhelming sense of deprivation and neglect, how could she possibly do for others? She can't even do for herself.
I can really relate to you about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But I think the important thing to remember is that it's often the details that make the biggest changes. If you focus on changing just one thing at a time you can keep the changes going. In the end, however, it's a relationship. The sum of two wholes. If one of those wholes doesn't take responsibility for their health, there's nothing the other can do to make them. You're trying your best, but there may be nothing you can do. You have a life to live too, and I think if there's one thing that we should learn through this process is that a great relationship is possible and that we shouldn't settle for less. The other part of this is that we must take responsibility for making it great - not blame the other party for it not being what it should. I think there comes a point, though, where we've tried our best, improved ourselves, and the obstacle really is our spouse. What then?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Yes, I know or knew your family was not an abusive/addicted one.. sorry about the misinterp.. I just did not recall reading about the W's past history before.
