This, my friend, is where I'm at too. I think the only way to move beyond this codependancy stuff is to really stop looking for a response to your actions from your W or the R. I think it's truly about picking your own actions for your own sake (allowing for compromise resulting from direct and open communication) and moving on. Accepting the R is over doesn't preclude it from beginning anew - in fact I think it's your best bet for allowing this to happen.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
What 1210 ? You dont put gravy and/or malt vinegar on your fries ? Geez.. good to see you drop a joke though ! BTW..have you ever used the term.. "y'all" ?? I dont really care for grits .
Whatisis: I spend a good deal of time in Northern Ontario each year..and am the President of a small non profit corp. here that owns land there.. have enjoyed going to Ontario since I was a kid. That's why I asked you which Province you were from earlier. So.. in a way I am sort of transplanted or repotted,... eh ?
Guess what, W sits down and talks with me for two hours tonight about her issues at work. WTF. Oh, is the rollercoaster starting again Nope, cuz I'm not gettin on this time. Don't have to hit me upside the head (that's American talk, Tom). I listened, I validated and I made only one suggestion (remember, we're talking two hours here). I got a little heated when I felt she was being abused and said "You are a person with feelings, you deserve more respect than that" she said she was more concerned with the effect on her team, I said "I can certainly understand that, but my concern is for your feelings" Not bad, EH! Now, normally my heart would flutter and I'd start thinking about "Oh boy, maybe there's hope here" but not tonight. I'm thinking we had a nice talk, I think I was helpful and supportive and that's it. Nothing has changed. I will carry on taking care of myself, what is is!!! I'm not getting in that friggin car again Muddle LOL (at least not tonight anyway).
Well, said goodbye to W this morning and skipped the goodbye kiss. Normally, I kiss her on the cheek and wish her a good day. Today I wished her a good day and expressed my hopes that the situation we discussed re work would turn out well, then left. She stood near me appearing to be waiting for the kiss on the cheek, it never came. That was very difficult for me because one of the things I always wanted to do was carry on in a way that I felt showed affection, for us and for the kids. But, I’m thinking that I am just too darn available! She knows I’m there and waiting. In hindsight, I have noticed when I pull away or make myself less available she tends to seek me out. So I may follow this and just cut back on my “availability, not in a hostile “I’ll fix you” manner but just by spending more time with ME and worrying less about interacting with her. It’s dead so I might as well continue on with that in mind. It was funny, last night I went downstairs (to check in with you guys) and when I returned W was on the phone with OP going over the same sh!t she just went over with me! I noticed OP seems to ask more questions e.g. “why do you think that happened” and “what do you think you should do” rather than making comments about the situation. She doesn’t tell my W what to do but asks questions to get her to tease it out. That’s called SF Counselling. OP is using her skills wisely, I will take note of this and use those skills myself in future discussions with W. Live and learn. Have a great day fellow DBers.
P.S. Yes, Tom I am an Ontarian, Northern ON is so beautiful isn't it!
1210, fries and gravy!! mmmmmm mmmmmm. Don't forget the poutine! (that's more a French Canadian thing). If you're gonna wallpaper your arteries you might as well do it right!
Fries and gravy were a high school lunch staple, OSU!
Now, today I have been thinking (you're right,1210, I've been doing a lot of that this week) about this thing that masks as a R that I am in. I've been thinking that if I met my W today and discovered what I know about her now, would I want a R? NO WAY! When someone tells you that they are selfish, self centered, perfectionistic, uncompromising, and unable to meet others needs what would any sane guy do? Run like hell!!! My W has told me all these things, so why would I pursue this person as is? My point is that the person I am presently living with is not the person I would choose to explore a loving R with. Therefore, it makes sense to let go and allow that person to do what she will. Of course, if she ever wanted to work on her own issues and expressed a desire to work out a real adult R (you know, the give and take kind, of the real world) I would be more than willing to oblige. I think over the past year I have been bending over backwards trying too hard to make the sitch work, the results have been poor. Part of me has felt guilty that I was not the man she wanted me to be nor was I able to help her in her time of need. Of course, I now realize she didn't want me to help her and has pretty much shut me out emotionally for at least three years. As soon as she met the OP she was completely obsessed with her (and I mean obsessed!). I was trying to fill a cup with no bottom to it. Now is time for me to let go, allow the chips to fall where they may. I cannot hold on and survive anymore. If this sitch has any chance of success i must let go of her and not worry about her expectations anymore. I cannot meet them and nor does she want me to. This is all a very new feeling to me. I'm tired of analyzing my every word and action and guaging how it effects her feelings towards me and the sucessful completion of my goal, a renewed R. It's time to let go and grow up! Be me for me. Who I am is a worthy and good person, I change because I choose to change for me, NOT HER. I hope this is a new page. Time will tell.
Quote: I've been thinking that if I met my W today and discovered what I know about her now, would I want a R? NO WAY! When someone tells you that they are selfish, self centered, perfectionistic, uncompromising, and unable to meet others needs what would any sane guy do? Run like hell!!! My W has told me all these things, so why would I pursue this person as is? My point is that the person I am presently living with is not the person I would choose to explore a loving R with. Therefore, it makes sense to let go and allow that person to do what she will. Of course, if she ever wanted to work on her own issues and expressed a desire to work out a real adult R (you know, the give and take kind, of the real world) I would be more than willing to oblige.
Whatis~
This is some really good stuff that I think everyone on this forum should read. When I look at this and apply this to my sitch I think about how I don't want to go backwards. I only want to go forward. Especially now. This could do wonders for people as far as detaching and letting go is involved. You have posted something good here. At least in my opinion. THANK YOU!!!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Thanks, CM. I think sometimes the person we are enamoured with is the person we knew a long time ago, not the person who exists now. We are chasing a fantasy within the M just as our S's are chasing one outside the M. The person I loved is gone! The person my W loved is gone too. We're both at square one again. If my W is unwilling to even look at herself or commit to compromise in the R then there is no healthy R. So why drive myself nuts over someone I really don't want to be emotionally intimate with anyway. Those are my thoughts today, but tomorrow is a new day!
Quick addition: I should probably look at myself too. Understand how I let myself become so enmeshed with someone who gave less and less while I allowed that to go on. She isn't the only one with issues to address in order to make this or any future R successful.
BTW..have you ever used the term.. "y'all" ?? I dont really care for grits . 
Nope, cuz I'm not gettin on this time. Don't have to hit me upside the head (that's American talk, Tom). I listened, I validated and I made only one suggestion (remember, we're talking two hours here). I got a little heated when I felt she was being abused and said "You are a person with feelings, you deserve more respect than that" she said she was more concerned with the effect on her team, I said "I can certainly understand that, but my concern is for your feelings" Not bad, EH! Now, normally my heart would flutter and I'd start thinking about "Oh boy, maybe there's hope here" but not tonight. I'm thinking we had a nice talk, I think I was helpful and supportive and that's it. Nothing has changed. I will carry on taking care of myself, what is is!!! I'm not getting in that friggin car again Muddle LOL (at least not tonight anyway). 