Pushing it to the limit (or Perfection 3)

[MuddleThrough]

Yes, she might feel she’s in the drivers seat (correct or not) but who wants to be the driver in a car that’s heading for a cliff? Not me!!!!

I don't want to be a martyr!I want to be effective

Whatis - I agree that you have approached your sitch from a very healthy place emotionally and mentally. I think you're right about needing to find a different approach, but I also tend to agree with OT that you need to find some sort of middle ground. It almost comes across as a reactionary step you are taking in escalating things to a last resort technique. I wonder if there's a more constructive way to approach this rather than force change through an approach with seemingly destructive qualities. After all, that's counter to your goals - however, you do need to break a few eggs to make an omelette!

I like your analogy about the car - because it's the control that's the issue here, in my opinion. It doesn't matter what it's control over. It's an attempt to exert control over herself by controlling things around her. Yet it seems that you are doing your best to vacuum out the car and paint it and keep it running great while she heads towards the edge of the cliff. Maybe the ultimate paradox here is that we have to truly let go of the relationship in order to save it. Get out of the car. Your being in the car is a reason for her to drive it off of the cliff. She has put the blame for her issues onto you and is trying to escape them, so if she's rid of you, she's rid off her problems. If you get out of the car, eventually she has to realize that the baggage is still in the trunk and she has to address is directly if she's to be rid of it. By sitting in the car with her you allow her denial to continue. Don't be a martyr and sacrifice yourself for her to find out she's wrong about her problems.