Muddle, you make sense Oh Wise One! You and I have commonalities in our sitch’s. Both our W’s are unwilling to take any responsibility for their choices and feelings. Your W is in your face about it where mine tends to show it in underlying ways, although she thinks she’s just accepting of my “defecits”. I believe I have always approached my sitch in the way you suggested. I have always chosen to treat her, and will continue to, in a way that shows consideration and respect. I will not be someone I do not want to be. That said, I think there are times when a person must evaluate the actions that one is taking. Is what I’m doing working for me? Yes and NO. I feel much better about myself as a person but progress in the sitch seems to be nowhere. So, am I in this to just become a better person? NO. I think we all have to be honest, ultimately we want our M’s. So are there things I can be doing that would make a greater impact on making that goal happen (and I know I can’t MAKE anything happen)? Beats me! Maybe, you are right, the way to live in these situations in the long term is to live for yourself and be the person you want to be. Good advice for any situation in life. But it doesn’t preclude looking at actions that may be appropriate e.g. Last Resort etc. Lastly, you are right, my W has nothing to give to me and I need to accept that is where she is at, then let it go. It’s so sad to see someone CHOOSING to live such an unhappy existence. Yes, she might feel she’s in the drivers seat (correct or not) but who wants to be the driver in a car that’s heading for a cliff? Not me!!!! So what I can do is, be the best me I can be and let her be whatever she chooses to be. Hard to do but it’s what has to be done. Also, on the plus side, I am with my children every night of the week, that's hell of a lot to be thankful for. Thanks for your thoughts Muddle.
Quick clarification: I'm suggesting that maybe there are things that need to be done for the good of the sitch that don't FEEL good but need to be done. I may WANT to act in a very caring, attentive way but what is needed may be distance (just an example). I (we) need to be open to these things. I don't want to be a martyr!I want to be effective
