I can so relate to this thinking. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to prove that I can do something that I don't believe to be possible - like levitating an object or something. You nor I are able to be great partners in our Ws' eyes because we can never succeed at being a part of them or completing them. It's in the comparison of our performance to their expectations of someone in the role of their partner that makes up come up short. Part of what sets us up to fail here are societies fault. Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on the romantic ideal, an experience in an immature relationship that is sustainable for only so long. A mature relationship takes a lot of self knowledge, discipline, caring and attention - all things that a well lived life demand as well. This desire to be perfectly accomodated is in a sense the lazy way out. It's passing the buck for their lack of effort in these areas. A lack of problem solving for a variety of reasons.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there really is no way to "win" at their game - so don't play it! Focus on being a complete person and excelling personal skills YOU see as necessary to a good relationship (in an abstract general sense), and don't worry if you're criticized or don't get any positive feedback from your W. She's likely unhappy with the fact that you're not playing into her power play - you're not scrambling to fit into her mold just so you can keep her (which is her way of bolstering her ego and self esteem through external means) - rather you're standing on your own two feet, successful in what you set out to be (not get). The real benefit to being where we are while doing this is to see reflected in the mirrors that are our mates the faults in the relationship paradigms that we believe in. The flaws in our preconceptions about how things should work. Because inevitably it is the deviation of the reality of dynamics in our relationship from our expectations that cause us pain and lead us to believe that things are not working. Our expectations are fully within our control - seize the moment and really be happy and positive about the fact that you have this great opportunity.
You talk about how painful it is that your needs are not being met. That your W doesn't care about them. This pain stems from your expectation that because you exert effort to meet her needs she should reciprocate. I think you may want to choose to look at this a little differently. Since it's the season and all, I think it's worth talking about giving. If you have no wealth you have nothing to give, right? You can only give if you have a surplus. The same is true of our emotional energy. If you can reframe your thoughts about giving to always focus on celebrating the fact that you have so much love and warmth within you that you are able to give - and to truly give without any expectation - you will experience more of a sense of pleasure. Accept that your W can't afford it right now. She's mismanaging her emotional resources and is coming up short at the end of the month. Accept it. The other part of the expectation issue is the sense of justice that you're implying. It's not fair that you aren't getting anything from her. Life's not fair, and continuing to believe in this sort of justice is simply a way to build resentment and poison relationships with people who don't do exactly as you expect (or operate under your control, if you take this argument a little further). So in the end, what you have is what you have. You can choose to compare it to fantasy (either positive or negative) or see it for what it is. Cause what is is, right? Well, it is, but it's a bit more complicated than that. What you project onto the situation is, for you, and for her the same is true. Focus on you, your projections and all that you can control. Keep your eyes open and stay positive. Look for opportunities to be wrong. Change sincerely. You're doing great. Manage your desires and keep yourself busy in a proactive way. Don't get through anything, rather treasure each moment you have as precious. Sooner or later your W will realize that this realtionship paradigm she believes in currently (because it's functional for her - and your buy in by seemingly trying to prove that you can fit into it makes it moreso) is not realistic and it's a functional escape for her preventing her from living a full life.
Don't make the same mistake. Live your life.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
