In looking back on my sitch I notice that the more I GAL the more she seems to hunker down and guard her emotional self. She is reserving that for OP and while I have made myself a far more interesting and accomplished person, she won’t let me near the emotional side. That was a major part of why she stepped out on me, according to her. She needed someone to “read her”, someone who would know what she needed, someone who would be her “re-charger” and OP was that. I, of course, could never be those things because a healthy R does not entail one party being “the keeper” of the others mental health and well being. I believe her and OP have a very sick R and I have made that clear to my W in the not too distant past. She, in turn, has told me that she is a “selfish, self-centered person who has great difficulty in meeting others needs”, then tells me OP is Ok with that. I quite bluntly said “then you two are a pair of F’ing sick bitches”, not one of my finer moments! I have to accept that I cannot do anything about this kind of defeatist attitude she carries towards herself and her ability to be a fuller, nurturing being who can be there for herself. It’s not in my hands, it’s in hers. I know part of my problem the past few days is definitely in knowing she is going away with OP, but I also feel angry that despite my being ill, my W shows no basic human courtesy. Not once has she said “How are you feeling” or “hope you feel better”, not once has she volunteered to take over a task to help me out in the past few days (of course, in hindsight, I can ask for her assistance. She’s not a mind reader either!). This is a longstanding issue in our R and I have brought it up with her in the past. She says she has little tolerance for illness and resents me asking to be cared for in this way! Wow, she’s a gem!!! This is one of the bugaboos that I just accepted as part of the package when I was getting some good stuff to offset it. So once again, I am reminded of how insignificant my needs are to her, even the smallest ones. It hurts. But it also makes little sense to dwell on something that is longstanding and has no solution, at least at this point. I must also recognize that here are ways she shows her caring, this just isn’t one of them. So, for now, I must care for myself physically and mentally. When I’m ill the PMA is pretty low. DETACHMENT is called for here! If anybody can tell me how it works for them and how they manage it, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
