Let her go on the trip, then after the first of the year, call Michele's line and ask if they can recommend a SBT in your locale...they will do that for you.
Wow, 1210, I thought you were going to give me a whipping I know of an SF Marriage Counsellor here and will contact in the New Year. I do intend to let W go on her weekend. Priority will be for me to keep my big mouth shut and not provoke a big blowout. So its time to take care of myself right now and she can do what she wants. Anniversary? What anniversary? A big 180 for me would actually be to ignore the whole thing. Leave the whole thing to her right now. I'm leaning towards my poem "How do I hate thee, let me count the ways", naw, just kidding!
Btw, Tom are you a Canadian too? A transplant maybe? You keep popping that "eh" in at the end of sentences
In looking back on my sitch I notice that the more I GAL the more she seems to hunker down and guard her emotional self. She is reserving that for OP and while I have made myself a far more interesting and accomplished person, she won’t let me near the emotional side. That was a major part of why she stepped out on me, according to her. She needed someone to “read her”, someone who would know what she needed, someone who would be her “re-charger” and OP was that. I, of course, could never be those things because a healthy R does not entail one party being “the keeper” of the others mental health and well being. I believe her and OP have a very sick R and I have made that clear to my W in the not too distant past. She, in turn, has told me that she is a “selfish, self-centered person who has great difficulty in meeting others needs”, then tells me OP is Ok with that. I quite bluntly said “then you two are a pair of F’ing sick bitches”, not one of my finer moments! I have to accept that I cannot do anything about this kind of defeatist attitude she carries towards herself and her ability to be a fuller, nurturing being who can be there for herself. It’s not in my hands, it’s in hers. I know part of my problem the past few days is definitely in knowing she is going away with OP, but I also feel angry that despite my being ill, my W shows no basic human courtesy. Not once has she said “How are you feeling” or “hope you feel better”, not once has she volunteered to take over a task to help me out in the past few days (of course, in hindsight, I can ask for her assistance. She’s not a mind reader either!). This is a longstanding issue in our R and I have brought it up with her in the past. She says she has little tolerance for illness and resents me asking to be cared for in this way! Wow, she’s a gem!!! This is one of the bugaboos that I just accepted as part of the package when I was getting some good stuff to offset it. So once again, I am reminded of how insignificant my needs are to her, even the smallest ones. It hurts. But it also makes little sense to dwell on something that is longstanding and has no solution, at least at this point. I must also recognize that here are ways she shows her caring, this just isn’t one of them. So, for now, I must care for myself physically and mentally. When I’m ill the PMA is pretty low. DETACHMENT is called for here! If anybody can tell me how it works for them and how they manage it, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
I can so relate to this thinking. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to prove that I can do something that I don't believe to be possible - like levitating an object or something. You nor I are able to be great partners in our Ws' eyes because we can never succeed at being a part of them or completing them. It's in the comparison of our performance to their expectations of someone in the role of their partner that makes up come up short. Part of what sets us up to fail here are societies fault. Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on the romantic ideal, an experience in an immature relationship that is sustainable for only so long. A mature relationship takes a lot of self knowledge, discipline, caring and attention - all things that a well lived life demand as well. This desire to be perfectly accomodated is in a sense the lazy way out. It's passing the buck for their lack of effort in these areas. A lack of problem solving for a variety of reasons.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there really is no way to "win" at their game - so don't play it! Focus on being a complete person and excelling personal skills YOU see as necessary to a good relationship (in an abstract general sense), and don't worry if you're criticized or don't get any positive feedback from your W. She's likely unhappy with the fact that you're not playing into her power play - you're not scrambling to fit into her mold just so you can keep her (which is her way of bolstering her ego and self esteem through external means) - rather you're standing on your own two feet, successful in what you set out to be (not get). The real benefit to being where we are while doing this is to see reflected in the mirrors that are our mates the faults in the relationship paradigms that we believe in. The flaws in our preconceptions about how things should work. Because inevitably it is the deviation of the reality of dynamics in our relationship from our expectations that cause us pain and lead us to believe that things are not working. Our expectations are fully within our control - seize the moment and really be happy and positive about the fact that you have this great opportunity.
You talk about how painful it is that your needs are not being met. That your W doesn't care about them. This pain stems from your expectation that because you exert effort to meet her needs she should reciprocate. I think you may want to choose to look at this a little differently. Since it's the season and all, I think it's worth talking about giving. If you have no wealth you have nothing to give, right? You can only give if you have a surplus. The same is true of our emotional energy. If you can reframe your thoughts about giving to always focus on celebrating the fact that you have so much love and warmth within you that you are able to give - and to truly give without any expectation - you will experience more of a sense of pleasure. Accept that your W can't afford it right now. She's mismanaging her emotional resources and is coming up short at the end of the month. Accept it. The other part of the expectation issue is the sense of justice that you're implying. It's not fair that you aren't getting anything from her. Life's not fair, and continuing to believe in this sort of justice is simply a way to build resentment and poison relationships with people who don't do exactly as you expect (or operate under your control, if you take this argument a little further). So in the end, what you have is what you have. You can choose to compare it to fantasy (either positive or negative) or see it for what it is. Cause what is is, right? Well, it is, but it's a bit more complicated than that. What you project onto the situation is, for you, and for her the same is true. Focus on you, your projections and all that you can control. Keep your eyes open and stay positive. Look for opportunities to be wrong. Change sincerely. You're doing great. Manage your desires and keep yourself busy in a proactive way. Don't get through anything, rather treasure each moment you have as precious. Sooner or later your W will realize that this realtionship paradigm she believes in currently (because it's functional for her - and your buy in by seemingly trying to prove that you can fit into it makes it moreso) is not realistic and it's a functional escape for her preventing her from living a full life.
Don't make the same mistake. Live your life.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, you make sense Oh Wise One! You and I have commonalities in our sitch’s. Both our W’s are unwilling to take any responsibility for their choices and feelings. Your W is in your face about it where mine tends to show it in underlying ways, although she thinks she’s just accepting of my “defecits”. I believe I have always approached my sitch in the way you suggested. I have always chosen to treat her, and will continue to, in a way that shows consideration and respect. I will not be someone I do not want to be. That said, I think there are times when a person must evaluate the actions that one is taking. Is what I’m doing working for me? Yes and NO. I feel much better about myself as a person but progress in the sitch seems to be nowhere. So, am I in this to just become a better person? NO. I think we all have to be honest, ultimately we want our M’s. So are there things I can be doing that would make a greater impact on making that goal happen (and I know I can’t MAKE anything happen)? Beats me! Maybe, you are right, the way to live in these situations in the long term is to live for yourself and be the person you want to be. Good advice for any situation in life. But it doesn’t preclude looking at actions that may be appropriate e.g. Last Resort etc. Lastly, you are right, my W has nothing to give to me and I need to accept that is where she is at, then let it go. It’s so sad to see someone CHOOSING to live such an unhappy existence. Yes, she might feel she’s in the drivers seat (correct or not) but who wants to be the driver in a car that’s heading for a cliff? Not me!!!! So what I can do is, be the best me I can be and let her be whatever she chooses to be. Hard to do but it’s what has to be done. Also, on the plus side, I am with my children every night of the week, that's hell of a lot to be thankful for. Thanks for your thoughts Muddle.
Quick clarification: I'm suggesting that maybe there are things that need to be done for the good of the sitch that don't FEEL good but need to be done. I may WANT to act in a very caring, attentive way but what is needed may be distance (just an example). I (we) need to be open to these things. I don't want to be a martyr!I want to be effective
Quote: Yes, she might feel she’s in the drivers seat (correct or not) but who wants to be the driver in a car that’s heading for a cliff? Not me!!!!
I don't want to be a martyr!I want to be effective
Whatis - I agree that you have approached your sitch from a very healthy place emotionally and mentally. I think you're right about needing to find a different approach, but I also tend to agree with OT that you need to find some sort of middle ground. It almost comes across as a reactionary step you are taking in escalating things to a last resort technique. I wonder if there's a more constructive way to approach this rather than force change through an approach with seemingly destructive qualities. After all, that's counter to your goals - however, you do need to break a few eggs to make an omelette!
I like your analogy about the car - because it's the control that's the issue here, in my opinion. It doesn't matter what it's control over. It's an attempt to exert control over herself by controlling things around her. Yet it seems that you are doing your best to vacuum out the car and paint it and keep it running great while she heads towards the edge of the cliff. Maybe the ultimate paradox here is that we have to truly let go of the relationship in order to save it. Get out of the car. Your being in the car is a reason for her to drive it off of the cliff. She has put the blame for her issues onto you and is trying to escape them, so if she's rid of you, she's rid off her problems. If you get out of the car, eventually she has to realize that the baggage is still in the trunk and she has to address is directly if she's to be rid of it. By sitting in the car with her you allow her denial to continue. Don't be a martyr and sacrifice yourself for her to find out she's wrong about her problems.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, this car stuff sure is fun Please don't be concerned about the Last Resort example. I'm open to any alternatives, except the car crash one! I think I have to face the fact that my R is over. I no longer have to worry about how what I do affects the R, the R is toast! Finito. I can choose to attempt to build a new car, from the ground up, or move on with my life. The old is done, time to emotionally move on to another level. If this makes sense. Walking on eggshells wondering how moving my little finger is going to impact is a waste of energy and time. It is not empowering. Although it is not consciously done, I know it is there. So, onwards and upwards! Thanks again.
