OK guys, here’s what I’m thinking. This is why I need a Solution Focused Counsellor. Apologies for the length ahead of time! I’m wondering whether it is Last Resort time. My thinking is that I have tried many things for a long time. As I said previously, they aren’t completely unsuccessful but, to be honest, none of the indicators I look to are positive in outcome. Things that would show movement on my W’s part are 1) She would talk to me consistently about more than just the kids e.g. about work, life 2) She would initiate or take active part in physical affection e.g. kissing me, hugging me 3) She would show an interest or initiate times together. Now, #1 is a complete zero! Any attempt on my part to “talk” about my life or her work is met with disinterest and even insulting comments like “I don’t need counselling” when I inquire. 2) Forget this one, I kiss her on the cheek and hug her in bed sometimes. Sometimes the hugging is met with tolerance and sometimes annoyance (so I stop) I don’t hug her on a regular basis, just once in a while . 3) She invited me to work banquet, on the suggestion of her boss, she agreed to BR dance lessons but that never results in any feeling of togetherness, is not interested in a day together to go Xmas shopping for the kids. My 180’s lately have been in the past 6 months 1) initiating BR dance 2) learning her culture’s cooking (I can cook 40 dishes now!) 3) Xmas shopping as a team versus it being my job 4) registering for work related courses 5) declined to go on trip to to her homeland in the summer (told her we needed time away from each other) 6) took on a backyard makeover this summer. So far, not going on the trip resulted in two incidents of “physical intimacy” upon return, that’s about it and I see those as a pity. My GAL activities 1) Running 2) aerobics class 3) Vegetarianism 4) Church attendance (she won’t come) 5) poetry reading and writing 7) signing up for work related courses. She says “don’t think I don’t notice all the changes that you’ve made, I do, I just don’t comment on them. You are an amazing person.”. Her relationship with me is basically either tolerance or annoyance. Rarely anything more unless it’s to do with the kids. Has any of this resulted in the affair ending? NO. The frequency of her interactions with OP have not increased (to my knowledge) nor can I say they have decreased. She appears to be perfectly happy by maintaining control over both R’s by holding back her affection (to me) and together time (to OP). Is the next step Last Resort time? But how would that work? I can move into the basement, withdraw any affection, tell her she is responsible for her own lunches, no time together outside of family time e.g. sitting in living room together, dance class. But, living as a family makes it very difficult. Do we split up finances? Make her responsible for some of the bills? Do I decline to make her dinner? It sounds like declaring friggin war! Do I NOT invite her to my family gatherings? She is part of the family and loved by my family. What do we tell the kids? Do I make her shop for her own groceries? Do we take turns feeding the kids? Do we not eat together? THIS IDEA SUCKS SO BAD! That’s not a family. Do I add stress to a woman who seems ready to slip over the edge much of the time? Is that going to be helpful? Will this create suffering for my kids?.Yukkk!!!, I hate this idea, but maybe that’s a good reason to follow through with it. I mean how many years is this nonsense supposed to continue? It’s been two years since she informed me of her loss of love for me. I think this is why I need a SF Counsellor, to make sure I’m thinking straight here. I have one in mind and plan to make contact in the new year. Any thoughts on my looooooooong post?
