"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
OK guys, I've been off sick today and feeling kind of weak. So I've been working my butt off on the BB! I hope I've been able to help some people. There's always so many you want to be there for but...you do what you can, I guess. Tonight, I will muster some energy and attempt BR dance. If you miss a class you're kind of screwed for the next class. So, I'll go, do what I can and sit out if I have to. My W is the Iron Lady and when she's sick, it doesn't matter, she is there. So I don't imagine there would be much room for empathy if I didn't go! It'll be good to move around I think. I'm still not sure what to do re the poem. I've got time. Maybe I'll write a couple more and see which fits best. She actually has a collection of my poetry which I gave her as a birthday gift, so I know she keeps any little addition I give her. She never comments on them so I stopped really giving her many. She did tell the girls once that "Daddy was a good poet", so the girls tell me. We'll see. I keep having to push that weekend with OP out of my head, especially when I'm ill. It really brings up alot of feeling. I start thinking about the old ultimatum again. Part of me wants to say "If you go, don't come back" boy, that would be helpful I think in the new year I will contact a Solution Focused Counsellor I know of. It's time to get outside help. I've gone as far as I feel confident on my own. Maybe there is stuff I should be doing (or not doing) that I'm avoiding. I don't know. There have been some good changes in the past few months and I shouldn't downplay them. I mean, my W is taking BR dance lessons with me, she asked me to a work banquet, we ML twice in the late summer. Her contacts with OP seem to be relatively few and not growing. Her going away, of course, is a real kick in the nuts but...what is is! Thanks for checking in on me fellow DBers.
This is rather a random post as I'm not at all up on your sitch, but I read your poem. It would be a lovely anniversary present to give to your W in the context of a passionate, committed, monogomous R.
Outside of that context, all you will be doing is reminding W that she is causing you pain and not giving you what you want. In such a case, the poem is very pressuring, smothering, and appears needy and desparate. Don't deny the reality of your R not being one of H and W if that is not where it is emotionally right now. It is always better to err on giving the WAS too much space rather than too little. Indeed, I don't believe I've ever seen a LBS who managed to give too much space....
Quote: Thanks OT, the fact that she's going away with OP also makes this poem a little much! I love it and I love her but I'll try for something a little less smothering...like a pillow over her face OK, that wasn't funny, I know. Maybe next year ( the poem not the pillow)? It's really tough trying to figure out what would be meaningful and not too overwhelming. Hey, maybe I could go away for the weekend and give her a break from me, that might be the perfect Anniversary gift
While I think perhaps you were being sarcastic, I think that is a great idea.
"W, I want to give us both the space we need right now to find happiness. With that in mind, my anniversary gift to you is to give us both some space on what will be a hard day for both of us. I give this out of love. I don't want to make it harder on either of us than it needs to be. So, to be very direct, let us try to relax about it and take the pressure off. I sincerely hope that you will enjoy the day and find it restorative. I'll be spending the weekend doing things that bring joy to me (hiking, going to museums, whatever floats your boat...)."
Best,
Oldtimer
[EDITED to remove unhelpful reminder that you want different things...]
OK guys, here’s what I’m thinking. This is why I need a Solution Focused Counsellor. Apologies for the length ahead of time! I’m wondering whether it is Last Resort time. My thinking is that I have tried many things for a long time. As I said previously, they aren’t completely unsuccessful but, to be honest, none of the indicators I look to are positive in outcome. Things that would show movement on my W’s part are 1) She would talk to me consistently about more than just the kids e.g. about work, life 2) She would initiate or take active part in physical affection e.g. kissing me, hugging me 3) She would show an interest or initiate times together. Now, #1 is a complete zero! Any attempt on my part to “talk” about my life or her work is met with disinterest and even insulting comments like “I don’t need counselling” when I inquire. 2) Forget this one, I kiss her on the cheek and hug her in bed sometimes. Sometimes the hugging is met with tolerance and sometimes annoyance (so I stop) I don’t hug her on a regular basis, just once in a while . 3) She invited me to work banquet, on the suggestion of her boss, she agreed to BR dance lessons but that never results in any feeling of togetherness, is not interested in a day together to go Xmas shopping for the kids. My 180’s lately have been in the past 6 months 1) initiating BR dance 2) learning her culture’s cooking (I can cook 40 dishes now!) 3) Xmas shopping as a team versus it being my job 4) registering for work related courses 5) declined to go on trip to to her homeland in the summer (told her we needed time away from each other) 6) took on a backyard makeover this summer. So far, not going on the trip resulted in two incidents of “physical intimacy” upon return, that’s about it and I see those as a pity. My GAL activities 1) Running 2) aerobics class 3) Vegetarianism 4) Church attendance (she won’t come) 5) poetry reading and writing 7) signing up for work related courses. She says “don’t think I don’t notice all the changes that you’ve made, I do, I just don’t comment on them. You are an amazing person.”. Her relationship with me is basically either tolerance or annoyance. Rarely anything more unless it’s to do with the kids. Has any of this resulted in the affair ending? NO. The frequency of her interactions with OP have not increased (to my knowledge) nor can I say they have decreased. She appears to be perfectly happy by maintaining control over both R’s by holding back her affection (to me) and together time (to OP). Is the next step Last Resort time? But how would that work? I can move into the basement, withdraw any affection, tell her she is responsible for her own lunches, no time together outside of family time e.g. sitting in living room together, dance class. But, living as a family makes it very difficult. Do we split up finances? Make her responsible for some of the bills? Do I decline to make her dinner? It sounds like declaring friggin war! Do I NOT invite her to my family gatherings? She is part of the family and loved by my family. What do we tell the kids? Do I make her shop for her own groceries? Do we take turns feeding the kids? Do we not eat together? THIS IDEA SUCKS SO BAD! That’s not a family. Do I add stress to a woman who seems ready to slip over the edge much of the time? Is that going to be helpful? Will this create suffering for my kids?.Yukkk!!!, I hate this idea, but maybe that’s a good reason to follow through with it. I mean how many years is this nonsense supposed to continue? It’s been two years since she informed me of her loss of love for me. I think this is why I need a SF Counsellor, to make sure I’m thinking straight here. I have one in mind and plan to make contact in the new year. Any thoughts on my looooooooong post?
You are going from one extreme to another -- from sending inaproppriate love poems to cutting off contact. Can you find no middle ground? (For instance, something along the lines I suggested?)
In any case, you are very much all over the place. Don't make any decisions until you get a firm grip on yourself.
Good point, OT. I'm certainly not going to do anything before thinking it through very thoroughly. Thanks for taking the time to read that and getting back to me. Your idea is worthy of consideration!
Just a quick note to anyone reading my lengthy post! Please be assured I am not having an emotional meltdown here, my cheese has not slipped off my cracker I'm basically thinking out loud. I guess, I'm not seeing anywhere else to go besides what I have been doing. This is why I think it would be wise to see a SF Counsellor. What the heck is this middle ground? I know that my W's choice to go away for a weekend with OP has certainly had an emotional impact and it does bring up thoughts of "how long can I go on like this"? It makes sense to give something a certain amount of time to work its way out but now its become an embedded lifestyle! I'm thinking maybe the detachment idea is one I have great difficulty with. Most of the time I do my thing, enjoy my life but every few months there is a bump on the road, this is it! So, any thoughts are greatly appreciated here.
I think in the new year I will contact a Solution Focused Counsellor I know of. It's time to get outside help. I've gone as far as I feel confident on my own. Maybe there is stuff I should be doing (or not doing) that I'm avoiding. I don't know. There have been some good changes in the past few months and I shouldn't downplay them. I mean, my W is taking BR dance lessons with me, she asked me to a work banquet, we ML twice in the late summer. Her contacts with OP seem to be relatively few and not growing. Her going away, of course, is a real kick in the nuts but...what is is! Thanks for checking in on me fellow DBers. 
I'm basically thinking out loud. I guess, I'm not seeing anywhere else to go besides what I have been doing. This is why I think it would be wise to see a SF Counsellor. What the heck is this middle ground? I know that my W's choice to go away for a weekend with OP has certainly had an emotional impact and it does bring up thoughts of "how long can I go on like this"? It makes sense to give something a certain amount of time to work its way out but now its become an embedded lifestyle! I'm thinking maybe the detachment idea is one I have great difficulty with. Most of the time I do my thing, enjoy my life but every few months there is a bump on the road, this is it! So, any thoughts are greatly appreciated here.