Are they twins, Muddle? We just came back from Dance Lesson #9. She was quite peeved during the class because I suggested that she was doing the Waltz instead of the Foxtrot. We discussed the difference and I said I would ask the teacher to find out which was which cuz it was confusing me. Teacher said I was correct. W was not impressed. "So, what is your point in telling me this? We get to the same point in the room either way". She felt I was CRITICIZING her when all I was doing was clarifying the correct dance steps. It's funny she can criticize the sh!t out of me on the floor but when I bring up (nicely) that maybe she is doing something incorrect, well look out! I just stated that I was clarifying the dance steps for myself and sharing that info with her, that was it. I really felt like saying "F*** off" but held that one back. Again it's kind of a microcosm of our R, any time I "criticize" her by correcting any minor thing she gets all huffy. So I just pushed on and did my best tonite. No brain freeze at least. W has agreed to continue lessons in the new year so that's good news (or is it? )
I've continued to think more about what I wrote in my last post. More about the idea that the dance classes are a microcosm of our R. I believe they truly are! Everything I am experiencing there is just a repeat of our R. I wanted to do this in part because it would be something we would have to work at together. In order for this type of dancing to work both parties must make compromises and deal with each others strengths and needs. My W resents having to work with my "needs" in both dance and life. She gets easily frustrated when I'm not keeping up to her and her method for pushing me forward is criticism, not encouragement. Again, this is just like our M!!!! I am an object that just gets in the way of what she wants and when she wants it. She has unrealistic ideas of what I should be capable of. I "should know" when a certain dance step is called for because we've done it before! There's no room for individuality or differing learning styles. If I correct her, she becomes sensitive and angry at times (not always), only she can point out her own errors, not me (and trust me, I only do so if there is a point to doing so). I am much more able to bend and accept her needs and abilities. It's interesting because she has always said that she was unable to meet others needs (yes, sadly she said it. My reply was "so your answer to that is to go out and start another R?"). I think part of me was believing that if I could make this BR dance stuff work then maybe it might cross over to our R. I'm starting to think that just a little pipe dream. She won't work at it but continues to interact in all the old ways. During our previous R talks I once said that I believed M worked when two people compromised. You enjoy the good, work on the bad and sometimes you just accept that certain things are not going to change. Her response was "that is not good enough for me", WTF! So, anyway, these are just some of my rambling thoughts for the evening. I hope they make sense to somebody out there besides me! Just an aside here, I am not depressed, just kind of thinking about things a bit tonite. I'm glad that she has agreed to continue our classes in the new year. As bizarre as this sounds, it really is nice to get out and do something together. It's becoming OUR night (which may be part of the problem)and she always wanted an OUR night, so now we have it. Thanks for reading all this gobbly gook
Hi Whatisis: I just know that good dance partners and life partners adjust and readjust for the sitch's of the other. (?) You become one that way. I guess... We learn to take care of each other or atleast try really hard.
It sounds like she is too proud, to admit her mistakes. She definitely is a perfectionist. She's probably very hard on herself...let it roll off your back...she likes that kind of interaction with you...know it and learn that is what it is...aggravating as it is...just let it roll down your back.
Her pride is really quite large...it means nothing, she's a critical person...she'll probably always be that way...but she never left, likes what you cook and still goes out with you to learn to ballroom dance...even took you to a company dinner...that says alot. That's compromising...
So true! And yes she is a perfectionist and is damn hard on herself, too. It makes me sad because she is such an amazing woman in so many ways but just won't allow herself to see it. She's always looking at what is lacking versus what is there, always looking to what's next rather than enjoying what is. I wish she could see the person that I love and have always loved. Thanks for reminding me, 1210 (but, man, she pisses me off sometimes ! )
I know...it seems so unnatural, but she pushes herself. Look at it this way...would you rather have OSU's wife? I didn't think so...
Thanks btw for backing me up with OSU...he needs to take his stand with his wife...did you like the part about if he gets D - we will approve his next choice?
1210, I've known a few people with arranged marriages and they seem pretty darn content. Maybe there's something to be said for growing love from scratch rather than starting with a full basket of juicy ripe "love" apples and then watching them slowly rot.
Hey, let's get OSU a Wolverine fan, he'd want it that way
Here's a question to throw out on my sitch. Our 17th wedding anniversary is coming up soon, what the heck do I do? Maybe I should invite OW, she can do all the planning, pick the place etc. and I could then accidentally run her over in the parking lot. I might as well use this to my advantage But, really, what the heck do I do? Last year, before the A bomb was dropped, we went out as a family versus as a couple. This was during the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phase. We joked with the kids about how they were the only kids around who go out with mom and dad for their anniversary. It became a family celebration versus a couple celebration. It was actually quite nice, my W picked the restaurant and away we all went. Now, post bomb, is it even appropriate anymore? I'm thinking that because I'm still committed to my M that it makes sense to show that committment by suggesting an outing, maybe at least the family thing again. Any thoughts?
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