Kansha, Have you considered moving the master bedroom to the studio? Or just moving your self to the studio? waiting for him in bed? joining him in bed?
Dress appropriately - check victoria secret - don't ask him about any of it.
He said you would move into this new house as a couple. This is your house. What have you got to lose? You move forward as contracted. Seems sto me it would be a 180 at this point! LSL
Kansha: I'm so sorry to hear that things are a mess with you right now. I was so glad to meet you - it went so quickly. I have a photo of us that I will share with you as soon as I get it on disc. It is really good.
I have a little bit of advice for what its worth. Stop asking questions or being concerned. You've been at this for 4 years, so you are a master. He has agreed to go to Retrouaville. Leave it at that. Don't analyze, don't ask. Don't react when he says something about it he doesn't like. You just need to get him to go as he promised. Don't make it happen for him. Let them do their job & see how it turns out. That's all I can say. You have done everything humanly possible to work this out. Take care, I'm praying for you. Barb
Just wanted to check in and say how much I admire your resolve. At times, I feel I'm regarded as an old timer, and I still feel a newby. When I look at your date, it is clear that this takes time.
Thanks for stopping by my place with wise words. I wish I had some to offer to you. Mostly, I'm eager to learn of your "report" on Retrouvaille.
Sorry I checked out. I haven’t had much time to post or even to read.
I look at my previous posts and since I have tried to be thinking, introspective, self improving being throughout this ordeal (fast lane to self-enlightenment) I remind myself that most of my problems are because of how I choose to interpret, or view, what is going on at any given minute.
Yes, my problems don’t live in a vacuum and H was/is the star player. One day something H does, will not even register a blip on my radar screen, I don’t get anxious because I have found a way to interrupt those anxious thoughts and yet another day, the same thing can cause havoc to my PMA. It’s all about MY perspective. If I stick to my goals, everything I do or say is in line with them. If I forget my goals, my over-active imagination can take over and way-lay me. Not to the degree that it used to but still it does have power.
I see that my anxiety this past week or so was allowed to grow because I couldn’t focus on myself. Once I wrote down MY reasons for Dbing and read all the thoughtful posts and Barb gave me a get a hold of yourself post, I was able to recover.
Glow: About my H’s passive aggressiveness, yes it can be labeled abuse, but how does my labeling it abuse help me with my goals? When I start to think of my H and how he fits the profile of a narsassistic, verbally abusive, selfish person. I want to head for the hills. It’s the same thing if I start to lable myself co-dependant and then use that lablel to stop doing nice things for people. Yes, what my H said was incredibly "anti-relationship". I just can’t focus on his behavior, only my own or else my PMA will plummet and I will feel victimized.
Yes, my H had put me in the role of the mother to be rebelled against. Especially lovely, when you have a teenage daughter feeling and acting the same way. One of my goals was to stop acting like his mother.
Yes, my first reaction, like yours, to H’s attitude IS to go dim. But somehow, I think it is not the right thing to do. I do think he is responding to my friendly approach and my being around him. My H doesn’t fall for that old adage, ”absence makes the heart grow fonder” I do think you are absolutely right that I need to focus on myself and I will take that to heart. As you know, it seems to always be, “back to the basics!” Thanks for your thoughtful post!
LSL: I actually have considered moving the master bedroom into the studio. I think this would back-fire big time. I think he would see this as pushy and resent me. Everything always has to be his idea. The trick is getting him to think all these things are his idea. Thanks for your thoughts and for posting on my thread.
Barb, I so enjoyed visiting with you. The time really went by fast, didn’t it? As it so happens, your “little bit of advice” was right on! Sometimes I just need someone to remind me of what I already know but have temporarily forgotten. As soon as I read your post, I blessed you and straightened right up. That was it for me. No more analyzing or asking about anything, just plain old watching what he does as opposed to what he says.
Thanks for coming over and visiting, I hope you keep coming over. I am praying for you too. Hugs!
Zebra, Yes, you are an old-timer and, yes, this does take soooooo much time for many of us. I have said it before but I’ll say it again: sometimes I think I’ll just be like one of those people that were in that study that says that most marriages that were unhappy, were five years later, described as happy. I’ve still got a year to go. I will let you know how Retrouvaille goes.
Take care Zebra and you do have lots of wise things to say; keep sharing with us!
Hi Kansha: I'm glad my words made a difference. Oh - if we could see ourselves as others see us - goes doubly for me, I'm sure. You are doing fine. Take care of you & the kids. Let it be. Thinking of you. Barb
Just checking in and seeing how things have been going with you.
I was just reading your last post and I think that you probably have the right attitude. Just hold onto that right attitude and don't go back to any questioning or self doubts. You are someone who could really benefit from the 'act as if' theory. Act as if your H is perfectly normal and that everything in time will work out. As soon as you stop believing that everything will be alright you go back to self doubting, and it spills over into how you deal with your H. I hope Retrouvaille really offers some help to you two as I think yours is one of the MLC marriages that will survive. I do feel however that your H has some other major issues to sort out for himself. Your marriage though shouldn't be one of them.
I am trying to keep myself busy while slowly moving forward on D. Luke is dealing with this as if this is just a business contract to be terminated. You know, I am in this contract, I don't want to be, and how much is it going to cost me to get out. Yet he still behaves as if we are the best of friends, he even brought me flowers last week again! I am trying to ignore it all and just get on with me life.
It has been raining here all day. So I have been confined to the house. I am researching areas to relocate to when I can hopefully move next summer.
BTW, What was the name of that soya bean dish we ate last March. I found some fresh soya beans at the market the other day and I want to cook them at home for the girls.
Picture me facing you with my hands up, palms out, saying, I swear I did not introduce ANY talks of any kind.
H comes in while I am reading to S9(seems like that is his favorite time to "talk") And says, "I feel bamboozled into this Retrouvaille thing." To which I say, I'm not going to talk about this in front of S9. S9 leaves and H says that based on Retrouvaille's confirmation letter, that "they" have an agenda.
I'm never good at relaying the details of our conversations, I usually so flabbergasted by what h says. But, I did say, AGAIN, that my understanding of the weekend is what I have conveyed to him based on several conversations from people who have attended. I told him, I thought he was smart enough not to be brainwashed and to make decisions on his own. I defended the "healing" aspect of the weekend by referring to our initial conversation, that defind the criteria for us to move in together. One of those aspects WAS healing.
He was furious that he had to go to 7 follow up sessions on HIS saturday night. I said, no one is forcing you to do the weekend. We agreed(in that first conversation) that we need something and this I believe, fits the bill AND has follow up sessions which should fit the bill as far as the therapy sessions we figured we needed. The price is right as we certainly can't afford $140.00 an hour sessions. If you can come up with an alternative, PLEEEEASE do. Some more highlights of our conversation: -H kept saying how he can never trust me and that after a conversation with me he ends up confused.
-I stated that I have never ever lied to him ever. Where as he on the other hand has lied to me continually.
-Here's the kicker: He said that, From day one he has had a problem with me.
Okay, perhaps he is scared. I think he is.
That's one thought, the other is he is still attached to the OW and has to still make me out to be the bad person, to justify his choices. You can't believe the things he says. I will try to make it to this weekend.
But, I don't hold out much hope. He's admitted that he really needs to work on his own issues.
Credo, Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I'm hanging on by a thread my friend and I don't think my marriage will survive. He is a selfish, self-serving man. After all this he continues to casts stones at me. I have been trying to "Act as if". But maybe I'm just in stone cold denial.
I have to admit, H's words have thrown me for a loop. After ALL this time he is still happy to lay our problems squarely in my lap.
Okay, already, enough is enough. Will he just Go, please go. I am soooooooooooo soooo tired of listening to him.
I'm not sure that I won't make it until these sessions are over before I hit the ground running. Is it fear on his part or is it ...? I just don't know. I have been affectively demantled. I wouldn't trust my instincts regarding him for anything.
I pray I make it to and through this weekend. I pray that the healing will begin.
Credo, you can boil or steam the soy beans and then salt them in the shells. I boil the frozen ones for about 7 minutes in salted water and then salt them after I have poured the water off.
Fresh should be yummy. In japanese they are called edamame.
I think you are doing great handling your H's insanity.
St.Kansha: I do pray that he will just get through the door. Then it is out of your hands. Once there, he will not leave - it would make him look less of a man. Let God & the counsellors do their job - you listen & learn too. & please sweetie, if he refuses to go, then go without him if it is a possibility. I so hope that doesn't happen, but don't set unrealistic expectations - you already know he is balking. Keep us posted. Barb
Kancha: i undrestand your situation because i still suffering something like that... only that i think they wants to justify their actions not only for an specific OW... no... they only wants to justify their need to return to teenager, to change everythinh on his life, because they find it bore, monotonous, they fear about age... So, dont let OW image low your self steem... it cab be this one, or another, or another, or a boat, or a motocycle....
