I had my little talk with H. After that I'm thinking that I got the "booby" prize. Yes, my marriage has not ended in divorce, after 4 years of this, I can say that. But, I did not get the prize when God was handing out husbands.
Some of the highlights of our conversation: "I don't deserve to be in a relationship. I'm not good at working at them. I like being by myself. I don't have the drive to make a relationship work. I'm not any good at it.I need to thrive, and then everyone around me thrives."
He controlled the entire conversation from beginning to end. I even mentioned that to him and he said that's the way it has to be.
I asked him if perhaps we could have some ground rules. I then mentioned that, in the past four years, he had stood before me countless of times and just bold-faced lied. He then cut me off and said he thinks that is something we need to talk about at Retrouvaille.
I can't relay all that he said, but afterwards, I was furious.
Sometimes, I just need to ignore what he says. He probably always will speak from a fearful, anti-commitment stance. You can't pin him down. He also pointed out how in our early years, I had to take a vacation from him. That he has always been self-involved.
Yes, actually this is so.
Why did I marry him? Because I had no idea, how to choose a man to be married to.
I thought those things just worked themselves out.
After all, he was the love of my life. I loved him, he loved me.
I'm referring to him at the moment as my "so-called husband".
Well, perhaps it is just his extreme fear that is rearing it's ugly head in anticipation of Retrouvaille.
He had a real problem when the Retrouvaille interviewer told him that the purpose of the weekend is for couples to re-commit to their marriage. He does not want to be "brain-washed".
Well, I'm counting down, now 2 weeks from tonight until Retrouvaille.
You know what really bothers me? He doesn't appear to have any remorse. Now my H wouldn't show me if he did feel remorse so, it doesn't really mean that he isn't remorseful. It's just so infuriating!
sleep well (as my H says)
Thanks for checkin' up on me Andrea. I hope you are doing well.
