Something has triggered my anxiety. Well, there are a few things that have.
H is not working right now. (His contract ended and he has to find new work)
This is always anxiety producing because: number one: We have no income. number two: He is not at a "job" every day and could be anywhere when he goes out.
He is not answering his cell phone.
All this triggers what happened in October of 1998 thru at least half of 2000.
I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown today. Really. I will not go through this again. I need to find a way to calm myself.
Another reason I am anxious is because H was upset after he spoke with the guy from Retrouvaille. H feels that I misrepresented the purpose of the weekend to him. I told him I had never spoken with anyone from Retrouvaille and had only spoken to many people who have actually done the weekend and that is where I got my information. I did not purposely mislead him.
H talked about this last night in front of S9 so it was hard to get much clarity on what was at issue. But, this only feeds my thinking that I have done an incredibly stupid thing by moving into this house with H.
So, I know I have to focus on the reasons I've decided to hang in there in the first place. They have really not changed. They are: #1: I want a stable home life for my kids.
#2: I don't want my kids to be exposed to whomever H might choose to be in a relationship with.
#3. I will never NOT have to deal with my H because of the kids.
#4 I want the benefits of moving into a mature marriage that has worked through all the issues. Borrowing from Blair who spoke about true marriage on the MLC forum(I think): I want the "Agape" that comes from sticking with a marriage that has "moved through" That feeling of "eros" and into something lasting.
Okay, I know I can't do anything about my H's choices. It's just that WHAT are my H's choices?
I am rambling. If I make it to Retrouvaille it just might well be a miracle.
I told H that I certainly didn't want him to feel "tricked" into doing Retrouvaille. I said then let's not do it. But then that presents a problem. He said hold on there I didn't say I wasn't going to do it.
I said I just am never sure what you decide or what your stand is on things. It makes me very uneasy.
H said: "Look, we'll do the weekend okay?"
H got up this AM, took a shower. When I was ready to leave, I went and knocked on his door, I didn't hear anything so I opened to find he had gone back to bed. These things make me anxious.
H is on antibiotics and they make him spacy and confused.
Okay, still rambling.
I can't do this again folks, no way, no how!!!!!
H just returned, said he was at Barnes and Noble and that he had left his cell phone at home. Doesn't sound promising does it folks.
I then asked him If I could talk to him? I said that I needed some clarity, other wise I have all this stuff going on in my head that keeps me from functioning.
I spoke using "I" messages.
He did not decline but put it off. Well, got to go get dinner.
