H was gone an hour. He said he was driving around the neighborhood looking for a mailbox. (He had left with stamped, addressed envelopes in his hand)
I said, you drove around for an hour looking for a mailbox? He said no, he had hung out in the grocery store. He had gone to get a specific item. When he came back his hands were empty. I asked him if he was able to find the item he was looking for. He said yes. I said, where is it? He said, in the car. When I re-tell it here it sounds accusatory. But, I swear, I asked him in a very kind tone and as part of the conversation. I accepted his answers. I did not register any anxiety at that time. But you can imagine that I had a hard time believing that he had taken an hour to find a mailbox(said he never found one) and that the item he went to get at the grocery store, he left in the car? Before ow, I would not have thought twice about it.
I accepted his answers. I went to sleep and around midnight I was awakened by our dog barking like crazy. I couldn't go back to sleep. I started to imagine that ow had snuck into H's studio. I opened my door to the backyard. H's studio door closed.
I told H about it this morning. I said that someone had come through the gate last night around midnight. He appeared concerned and surprised. He said that he was up until about 2:00Am and had hadn't heard a thing. I asked him if he had had a visitor at that time. He said no and that if he was going to have a visitor he wouldn't have them come through that gate, it is full of mud and weeds. He seemed surprised, concerned and truthful.
I let it go. He told me to get a padlock for that gate.
It's all about my attitude. I couldn't stop the flashbacks that were triggered by his "secretive"(strange) behavior. I hardly slept because my mind was obsessing like it did the first year. I managed to get my thoughts under control but it was a challenge. I did not let on to my H that his behavior and the dog barking had triggered my "paranoia" or sixth sense.
I have no control over what my H chooses to do. I know this. I cannot even allow myself to question anything my H does, otherwise I can plummet my PMA.
I made it through. This afternoon, H called me with some good news and shared his happiness about a success he had today. I shared his happiness and wished him luck on his next meeting. I thanked him for letting me know as soon as he was done with the meeting because I was thinking of and cheering for him.
I sometimes believe my H has duped me into living in this situation. Why does he sleep in the studio?
Well, 2 and a half weeks until Retrouvaille. I hope I can get some reassurance then.
