Sorry to hear your D is giving you such a time. It sounds like she inherited your H's personality! It is tough on them, though, and 17 is a difficult age anyway. I'm glad to hear your H is backing you up, even if not exactly as you'd like. She may well be acting out some of the disappointment, anger or whatever over her last 3 birthdays. My oldest (17 when he left, 19 when he returned) was not too readily accepting of him when he returned (though by then she was away at college, and it didn't make too much difference)--she thought I should have dumped him and not waited. Maybe when she's older she'll understand it differently, as hopefully so will your D. For now, I think you need to continue to be firm with her. Difficult, but after all you've been through, I'm sure you can do it. It's just hard to have the energy to keep it up sometimes, isn't it?
We're doing fine for the most part. You're right about my H never really being that mean, though he said some awfully hurtful things, that I doubt I'll ever forget. Including that OW would always have a special place in his heart. Even though I knew it had been over between them for months before he returned, it was at least another 6 months before I could believe she was actually out of his heart. And I'll probably always wonder if there isn't still some little soft spot for her somewhere, if he gets a twinge of nostalgia or longing when he happens to run into her (though they will not speak to eachother). It does take time for the A to end and to really "get over" the other person, but I do think men, with their "compartmentalized" minds, move on more quickly than women do. I am sure I thought of XOW far more during the first year my H was home than he did.
I'm praying that the Retrouvaille weekend will bring you two physically closer, as well as emotionally/spiritually. Hang in there!
