EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks Oldtimer.

Yeah, I guess I hoped we could do this with no one getting mad but it just isn’t gonna be possible. H and I both finally accepted that I’m going to be hurt no matter what, so I guess we have to also accept that he’s going to get mad too. You sure hit the nail on the head with wanting everything to magically disappear. I actually thought moving out might appeal to him for that reason, no more house responsibilities, but I guess not.

We’re by no means done figuring all this out so I am really thankful for all your thoughts. I want to go into this strong when we go back to it in January. Somehow I have a feeling we won’t make it that long before we talk again because it’s eating at both of us, but it’s the plan for now.

I am really struggling with protecting myself but still showing respect for my H and not turning things any uglier than they already have to be. By respect I don’t mean being a doormat, just trusting him to do the right thing and negotiate on this stuff fairly (going into it with the attitude that I don’t trust or respect him would be a big mistake I think). I will protect myself but try and treat him as the good man I know he can be in the process.

I need to clarify a couple of things (not posting all that clearly today!):

1. No, $500 isn’t even close to an equal split of the combined household income. $1500 is probably closer. We’ve never combined our money, intentionally, because we were both more comfortable with that arrangement. He spends a lot more than I do – expensive hobbies and such and he’s also always been generous about spending money on me (us going out to dinner and such). I think because of what happened with my parents I always wanted to feel like I had my money and he had his, even if mine was less. We’ve been pretty free to spend how we wanted as long as the bills were paid. I would feel like I was trying to spite him by suddenly asking to split our combined income in half (it would feel to me like “this was fine when we were married but if you’re walking out I’m taking you to the cleaners!” – it really would). But, I do think you’re right it’s too low. I think I’ll start by asking him what he feels is fair just so I have an idea. He may well say $0 but at least I’ll know where we’re starting from.

2. Absolutely – I didn’t actually mean renegotiate the money, I meant renegotiate or at least discuss where we were each living (I realize my post was totally unclear!). I may find that the house is just too much for me and I'm open to discussing it later, if so.

3. Good points on the garage. I like the scheduled day/time idea. I thought about proposing a weekly or every other week “business meeting” where we can talk through these things – anyone have thoughts on that? I think we’ll see each other semi-regularly because he says he wants to and I’d like that (for now), but I’d also like to avoid having every time we see each other turn into “business” stuff. I almost suggested changing the lock on the door from the garage into the house, so he could get into the garage but not the house, but that seems pretty un-trusting and for now I do trust him to keep his word on whatever we agree to. I’ll keep the idea in the back of my mind though if things go downhill.

4. Another badly worded post on my part! I meant that the money would help me cover those bills, not that H would be responsible for paying them. My goal is to figure out a fair amount and have it be a monthly check.

5. Excellent response – thank you! I am trying hard to convey that although I am hoping things will work out, we’re BOTH free to change our minds. H sometimes seems to forget that I have that right too.

6. I’m trying, but thanks for the reminder! Your one car situation sounds really hard, I’m glad we don’t have to deal with that. I’ve let go of most of them, but H keeps trying to find “connectors” like that. When I mentioned something about towing the boat he said “You know you can always borrow my truck! I’ll teach you how to back up the trailer.” Actually he seems more worried about me than I am about him, at this point. He said in MC that he’s planning to come by often to check on me. I managed to halfway squeak out that I’d be fine and didn’t NEED that but would like to see him sometimes. I am not entirely sure they heard me but we can always talk about it again later. I want him to call first and not just drop by too.

How can he care so much and still walk out???