EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[S_O_T_S]

Hi NikkiB. Sorry for your state here, but I wanted to chime in w/ my own experience.

First off, I think oldtimer is right on the money w/ the response. The only thing I'd add to what she wrote pertains to the comment about you having the house as a private space w/ boundaries. I certainly agree with that, but in my own situation I waffled a bit about whether 'my own safe place' included changing the locks on the house (not necessarily legal in all states, OK here). In the end I decided not to, as I didn't like the message it sent to W (i.e. possibly sending a message that she wasn't welcome back) and in the end, what did I have to hide, anyway.

That said, your situation may be different, with different concerns, so don't take my words as the be all and end all.

Now on to the real reason I popped in (quoting you in bold):

but I think I'm going to propose that we try 3 months of him staying w/his friend and me staying in the house, with him paying $500/mo or so to help cover the yard care, MC, any house repairs, etc. (and split any major house repairs that might come up). I'll pay the mortgage and other bills. At the 3 month point we can revisit, and possibly renegotiate.

So, I pretty much agreed to something similar w/ my WAW. She moved out, needing her space, blah, blah, blah. Never could have afforded it if I'd insisted she pay for her 1/2 of the house. I, of course, did this for the reasons I'm guessing you would. Namely, that you feared that by not agreeing, WAS would get angry and it would ruin all chances of reconciliation? (My other, maybe more important reason was that I wanted to let her have what she wanted. If she needed space, it was better to let her have it than to have her trapped in the house getting more bitter and resentful.)

Anyway, in our verbal agreement, she kicks in a tiny fraction of our mortgage, but here I am, X months down the road and she now wants a D.

So, if the D goes forward, there are two issues.

Will she now pay for her half from now until the time we settle the house?

What happens to all the interest/taxes/insurance that I paid solely out of my own pocket, but was really her obligation? She won't have enough to repay me, and I could really use that ~$10K to start a new life with some security. If I can't get that back, I could very well be penniless at the time of D.

So, I'm somewhat in agreement w/ ot about this point as well. But I have the experience of what might happen in the future if you agree to it.

Take care and good luck. I'll be checking in.