You are sounding pretty good, I know this is a very hard time.
You won't be helping yourself or your R by trying to keep H from getting mad at you over the S stuff. He will be mad at you anyway, and you will put yourself at a distinct disadvantage. He wants it to be as if you and all the responsibilities you represent are *poof* magically gone. ANY thing other than total freedom from all responsibilities is going to piss him off. Too bad.
Quote: but I think I'm going to propose that we try 3 months of him staying w/his friend and me staying in the house, with him paying $500/mo or so to help cover the yard care, MC, any house repairs, etc. (and split any major house repairs that might come up). I'll pay the mortgage and other bills. At the 3 month point we can revisit, and possibly renegotiate. That gives him space and hopefully avoids costing us a fortune in case we do reconcile in that time, and it gives me time to figure out what I really want to do and whether staying in the house is realistic. I can also go through all my stuff, sort, and downsize in case I want to move later. Oh and we did agree that no matter what he'd have full access to the garage as long as he tells me first when he's going to be there, so I can decide to be there or not. The garage/driveway was pretty non-negotiable for him and I think it's fair.
(1) If he puts $500 into the household, will that pretty much mean the household combined income is equally split? If not, you should probably be asking for more. Your MC's advice to try to divide assets as you would in a D is a good one. Don't put yourself at a disadvantage financially and legally by trying to keep H happy.
(2) Your H is not going to get MORE generous over time, but less. In 3 months, if you renegotiate, he will want to contribute less, at D, even less. He will start complaining bitterly about having to "pay" you, etc... This will happen no matter how reasonable you try to be.
(3) Giving H unlimited access to the garage is simply not healthy. What part of H's new private life are you going to have unlimited access to? He is LEAVING YOU, he is giving up his home. You need a safe space that is yours. I really urge you to put a more reasonable boundary in place. For instance, he should give your a reasonable amount of notice ahead of time. And, you should be able to say "no" and offer an alternate date/time within a week of the original request. It is really too bad that he will need to use the garage. I would also suggest a basic regular schedule so that you don't have to be negotiating this on a day to day basis. You might think it is a bright spot, but it will be an ordeal everytime, one that he will resent.
(4) How he spends his money isn't going to be any of your business when you are S. How you spend your money shouldn't be any of his. Decide on a division of the monthly income, then YOU make YOUR budget and let H make his own budget. Unmingle things as much as possible. For instance, don't try to get H to pay the lawn man. Instead, decide on a division of money that will let you pay the lawn man. If you decide to then start mowing to work out some of the stress in your life and spend the money on pedicures, it isn't any of H's business. If he decides to keep mooching off friends and spend all his money on strippers, it isn't any of your business. As few business ties as possible made to be as simple as possible is the best route to avoid having his resentment on these issues totally poison your R and destroy chances of reconciliation. (No, you can't avoid this by rolling over and asking for nothing but the dog and a box of crackers. It really will not help, short-term or long-term.)
(5) With the false hope crap, probably the best thing to do is to tell him: "H, I am an adult and I am responsible for my own emotional welfare. I will be happy one way or another. If we both at some point decide reconciling is something we want to take a look at, that is great. But we are BOTH free to change our minds without blame any step of the way. It is really OK if we wind up trying things out and then one of us decides not to continue. I'm not psychic and I don't think you are -- we can't tell what we will want in various scenarios until we are actually in them at that moment."
(6) QUIT trying to take care of H. It is his responsibility to try to make things work for himself. He is a big boy. When I was getting S, we only had one car. (We lived in a city and used the subway a lot.) Our MC suggested that he should explore rental cars or zip cars for those times he needed a car. *I* totally rejected this because I wanted the tie to him of having to share a car (HUGELY BAD IDEA), and also because I was trying to take care of him and was worried about him being able to manage if he had to rent a car (ANOTHER hugely bad idea). WAH's DO NOT WANT MOMMIES. And, they don't want partners in figuring out their lives. So, don't do it.
