EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks, believing!!

I know what you mean about the first of the year. I wonder how many people are just hanging on through the holidays. A friend of ours is a drug and alcohol counselor and she said she's amazed how busy they are on January 2 every year. Not to make you worry more...sorry!! Just a thought that crossed my mind on the way to work today.

I feel some journaling or rambling coming on… apologies in advance.

I almost feel like it's a mistake to delay the S, but on the other hand it gives me time to get things together and there’s always that little chance that H might change his mind. He said he thought about it all weekend and was unsure about if he really wanted to go through with it, but it's "done" now. I made it really clear that changing his mind is OK, not to be stubborn just because he said he'd do it.

I am trying SO hard not to doubt myself but wondering about my decision on the house again. I think it's going to turn things from relatively amicable to pretty bitter. He was all excited to help me find a place, promised he'd help move me in, help me buy all new stuff, make it as easy on me as possible, etc. but his whole mood changed when I said I wanted to stay in the house. He said "Well I'm not going to kick you out or something." The MC said she wasn't taking sides but if she got a vote, the burden should be more on him.

I did tell the MC I figured out I could afford to live there on my own and H was not happy. Just as I expected he might, H said "Maybe we shouldn't refinance." I told him that based on our convo the other day I already started the process and paid the application fee. He said he thought we were still deciding what to do and I reminded him he told me to go ahead with it - thankfully he DID remember saying that.

Then she said that I shouldn't have to pay the whole mortgage since it's an asset in BOTH our names. He really balked at the idea that he should help pay the mortgage if he's the one to move. We got into this whole argument about who's paid for what over the years, how he’s “done nothing but try to take care of” me all this time, how long I've been putting the equivalent of the mortgage payment into the home improvement “fund” (he said 3 years, it’s been 6), blah blah blah. The MC at first asked me to find statements to show it but H said not to bother.

H was not so pleased when she explained “Community Property” either. She said "Well, try looking at it like the courts will if you D - add up all the assets and split it down the middle. It doesn't matter who paid for what." She subtlely asked how many cars he has (truck, classic Mustang, 2 racecars and another classic mustang he's about to buy, fix up, and sell...it's probably $75k in cars alone). He got pretty quiet after that.

I think he hopes I'll just go on my way as if we never married, and let him keep everything without expecting any money in return, since he seems to think nearly everything is “his” and acts like I trapped him into the M. He’s implying that he wants me to keep the dog, my car, and our $3000 boat that’s broken and I have no way to tow, and that’s it. I’d go so far as saying I don’t really feel I’m owed half of our assets, but I’m sure as heck owed more than the dog, car, and broken boat. I don’t want to take advantage of him but give me a break!!! I should just stop even thinking about it because most of this won’t need to be decided unless we D, but it made me mad and I think it’s important that he see I won't be walked all over.

He also “remembers” (untrue) that he was the one who saved the down payment and initiated the house buying. Well, I guess you could say he made the down payment - but the REASON was so we could use the money I had saved to fix up the house. It needed a lot of work. He did most of the actual work which I feel kind of guilty about, but the MC pointed out that I supported him (cooked for him and the other guys, hardware store runs, beer runs, whatever). None of which REALLY matters I guess but I just want to feel I'm being fair. And again, something I need to just put out of my head unless we get to the point of a D.

I'm sure I'll change my mind 20 more times between now and our first logistics meeting, but I think I'm going to propose that we try 3 months of him staying w/his friend and me staying in the house, with him paying $500/mo or so to help cover the yard care, MC, any house repairs, etc. (and split any major house repairs that might come up). I'll pay the mortgage and other bills. At the 3 month point we can revisit, and possibly renegotiate. That gives him space and hopefully avoids costing us a fortune in case we do reconcile in that time, and it gives me time to figure out what I really want to do and whether staying in the house is realistic. I can also go through all my stuff, sort, and downsize in case I want to move later. Oh and we did agree that no matter what he'd have full access to the garage as long as he tells me first when he's going to be there, so I can decide to be there or not. The garage/driveway was pretty non-negotiable for him and I think it's fair.

This all just sucks… but thanks for being there and letting me get it all out here.